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Not Again! Uncle’s Newest Girlfriend Qualifies for Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving

Not Again! Uncle’s Newest Girlfriend Qualifies for Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving

What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely. 

Thanks Guys! Penn Shortens Thanksgiving Break

“This makes things so much easier! My family is going to eat Thanksgiving dinner at the LAX P.F. Chang’s with me, then I’ll get right back on the plane and head back to Philly that night. Convenient!”

Well-Written! This Study Shows, But Doesn't Tell

Well-Written! This Study Shows, But Doesn't Tell

“It’s like, that’s for you to decide. We’re not gonna sit here and say ‘binge drinking unequivocally has a negative impact on your health.’ Nope, that’s just not our style. We’ll show you the scans of the liver, and then it's up to you, the reader, to find meaning."

Oh You Can’t Name Five Brothers? Take a Lap

Oh You Can’t Name Five Brothers? Take a Lap

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.

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ESCANDALO: Penn to Replace Penn In-Touch With a Fax Machine

Your subjects will be out to you in five to eight business weeks. 


OP-ED: Thanksgiving Is for Family, Which Is Why It’s the One Day They’re Allowed Out of the Basement

During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!


Greek Lady and Yiro Yiro Call Upon Zeus and Poseidon in Battle for Gyro Supremacy

Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.


Guest Lecturer Droning On About Same Bullshit As Regular Lecturer

Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.


OP-ED: All Lectures Should Be Asynchronous and Our Eyes Should Be Replaced with Cybernetic Implants

Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?


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