Women Are Repulsed By Me: Here Are the Best Lunch Spots in West Philly
As someone who hasn’t had a girlfriend in 19 years, these are some of my favorites.
Breaking: Hummus Grill Owner Self-Immolates in Front of Wonder in Final Act of Defiance
Wonder is on track to be the first ever successful restaurant with inedible food
Marc Rowan Adopts New Name: "Galactus"
Please stop by Galactus’ Little Shop— which is actually a Sukkah this week— and say hello to your benevolent overlord’s wealthiest benevolent overlord.
Jane Goodall to be Rewarded 72 Chimpanzees in Heaven
Now, through the will of God, Jane can continue monkeying around at least 72 more times.
Cooked: Your Chem Midterm Grade in Epstein's Preferred Age Range
With a shiver, you realize you're doing numbers only child sex offenders are excited to hear.
Local Asian-American Genuinely Passionate About Consulting / Medicine / Founding a Startup
Zhangzhang (Tony) Zhang stated that “solving the world’s most complex problems/helping the world’s most vulnerable people/creating things that people all over the world want has been [his] singular interest during his one semester at Penn so far.”
Eager Freshman Confuses Penn Traditions: Throws Toast on Ben Franklin and Pisses on Franklin Field
University officials cite an honest mistake made by a freshman.
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Other News
Breaking: Wilcaf’s Missing Supply of Ice has Been Found in the Silfen Study Center's Vents
Climb into the vents and grab a handful.
Wharton Student Brings Basketball and Fresh Pair of Nikes to MBA Program
The postgrad Wharton student was left embarrassed and humiliated after realizing a critical misunderstanding of what the letters MBA stand for.
OFSL Enforces New Golden Ticket Entry Requirement for all Fraternity Parties
Students rejoiced upon finding tickets hidden in their chocolate bars: it read, "Janae's Golden Ticket: Valid for One Darty." However, one student wasn't so lucky. Instead of gold, his silver slip read: "Valid Only at Spades."
Breaking: Acme Shelves Empty After People Buy Groceries
Acme Supermarket’s University City location was left devastated after an average flow of grocery shoppers on Wednesday afternoon. District Manager Kristen Lewis condemned what she called “an appalling display of greed,” citing customers who dared to purchase eggs, cereal, and even a single bag of spinach.
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Local Student Attempts To Steal From Pret; Gets CHASED Over Bridge And Spanked
The student was found staggering across High Rise field, muttering "I must not steal, I must not steal."
Featured Articles
Penn Establishes Office of Inspection of the Office of Ethnic Inclusion of Non-Members of the Antisemitism Office that Aren’t in the Other Task Force
The Good News Is Here. Join the Task Forces.
Penn’s New Regulations Regarding On-Campus Protest: Scary Larry Given License to Kill
Interim President Jameson has announced he is done fucking around and is now strapped.
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