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At some point between now and some time that isn’t now, Punxsutawney Pritchett will emerge from his hallowed home and determine whether or not he is able to see his shadow. The ruling could not come at a more critical time, as it will decide whether Penn students will receive vaccinations this spring.
Shy salivaters, fear no more! Under the Button can finally confirm that perpetually spitting into a tiny vial, surrounded by 50 other students you’ve never seen in your life is not at all uncomfortable. In fact, the experience overall is quite moving, thrilling, and engaging.
Yesterday’s news cycle was packed to the brim with news stories, and one that we at UTB feel didn’t get enough recognition is the shenanigans that went down at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Yesterday morning, President Trump tweeted that his team would be holding an event at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia. Half an hour later, he clarified that it would actually be held at Four Seasons Total Landscaping instead, a garden service center sandwiched between and adult bookshop and a crematorium.
It has just been confirmed that a shopper recently completed a visit to Heirloom Market, during which they spent less than $6,000 on all of their items combined.
Last night, the President of the United States announced in a tweet that he has come down with the latest democratic hoax, a tweet which UTB has included word for word below:
Did you use the word smart?
Hey, I’m so sorry can you resend me the Zoom link for today? Ugh, I know, I don’t know why I keep losing it.
These uncertain™® times™® have been hard on many of us, especially those of us who are still waiting on the University's announcement about re-assigned housing. While rising seniors are struggling with the uncertainty, Penn’s star-studded squad of super super seniors is taking it even harder.
After a long few months of grueling, exhausting, emotional, and intellectual stress, Josh Rosenbaum (W '22) is really looking forward to the start of summer for well, pretty much more of the same.
During these uncertain™® times™®, many have taken to journaling as a way of marking the passage of the calendar. But me? No. Why write down real, accurate, historical things that have actually happened when you can record the funny things your brain makes up at night? Below are excerpts from those documentations — phrases that I have genuinely written down after emerging from slumber, presented to you now with absolutely no context:
Ugh! After just two short hours of chatting with Ben from ZBT over House Party, Beverley McDaniel’s Airpods are already out of battery.
Message from Provost Wendell Pritchett
Hey you, reading this article! If you happen to not only be in possession of a towel, but also most often use that towel after cleansing yourself with water, this is for you. I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but the time has come for you to take that towel and put it on the floor to be washed a month from now when you get to it.
Caution, bus is turning.
In all honesty, I would not be where I am today without Handshake. From being taught at a young age to make eye contact while utilizing Handshake, to finding the perfect amount of squeeze in my grip, Handshake has provided me with so many opportunities.
Penn's campus has got just so many cool and funky buildings, and I wanted to honor each one in a way that is meaningful and impactful. See if you can identify each of these campus structures based on my fine arts degree worthy drawing of it. Slide the slider back and forth over each picture to reveal the answer!
Engineering senior Steve Charnin’s summer application apparently didn’t have that genuine human angle he was hoping for. His internship search has not proved too successful as of late, with the most recent bad news arriving from artificial intelligence company “SmRtRDenU.”
Well, well, well, would you look at that: it’s syllabus policy revenge time. Professor Thornton has yet to submit his students’ final grades to Penn InTouch, but the deadline was last Thursday. And if we look at page two of his syllabus, paragraph three, line five, it clearly states that “Late assignments will result in a penalty of half a letter grade per day outstanding submission.” So ha ha— see how it feels! Good luck with your GPA now!
Eliana Glax (W ’21) always considered herself to be pretty popular. A solid group of friends, a great set of clubs that she’s involved in, and at least four nights at Smokes in the past three years.