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“Oi Mate, I’m Also From Manchester” Says Freshman Rushing Castle From Cleveland

(12/08/23 3:06pm)

As students danced and sang along to Bad Habits [Meduza EDM Remix] last Saturday night, some took mimicking Sheeran’s accent too far. “Oi mate, I’m also from Manchester,” said Eric Trillo, a freshman actually from Cleveland. “I just love being an international student!” continued the Rust Belt student.

Health Inspectors "Take It All Back" Now That Commons Moved Dessert Section Four Feet Left

(10/01/23 7:22pm)

Literally licking the floor in glee, the same Philadelphia health inspectors that recorded 21 health violations in 1920 Commons last semester announced that they “take it all back” now that the dining hall moved the dessert section four feet to the left. “We were really disappointed with the state of Penn Dining last February,” stated health inspector Janice Janicsky. “But we were hopeful when Penn released a statement that they were ‘‘taking both immediate and long-term actions to ensure results like this do not occur again.’ Now, a whole semester later, I’m proud to see that they totally delivered by moving the dessert section just a mere four feet to the left.”

Sophomore Who Double Paid For On-Campus Dorm and Chestnut Apartment Still Really Passionate About UC Townhomes Crisis

(10/03/23 6:37pm)

 Stating they simply can’t bring themselves to live in an on-campus apartment, Sophomore Gabby Davis is still very passionate about the housing crisis in the UC Townhomes. “It’s just crazy how limited available housing is these days,” Davis said as she walked from her Chestnut apartment living room, past the guest bedroom, and into her master bedroom. “Greed and capitalism have taken over our empathy.”

New Student's Growing Imposter Syndrome Stupid And Lame Compared To Friends' More Valid and Better Imposter Syndrome

(09/14/23 3:27pm)

Last night, a semi-circle of freshmen shared their most vulnerable feelings of insecurity, doubt, homesickness, and imposter syndrome right outside McClelland Dining and Sushi. Yet, in the freshmen tradition of late-night trauma dumping on friends they had only met a week before, it became apparent that one student’s imposter syndrome was incredibly stupid and lame when compared to the others’ more valid and cool imposter syndrome. Like, why were they even in the circle? They literally don’t belong here.