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I’m Ready and Willing to Admit I Have Flaws — I Just Can’t Think of Any!

(01/26/23 8:07pm)

The other day I was talking to my therapist about self-confidence. We’ve been working on this for a long time, and together we’ve done a great job. She’s entered my psyche, unraveled my problems, and knit them into a beautiful scarf of self-love and personal pride. That’s not to say that I haven’t also been working very hard on developing myself. 

Faking Interest, La Deuxième

(01/20/23 9:08pm)

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!

BREAKING: All Signs Say It's Just About Time for Break

(12/06/22 5:21pm)

Hey everyone, and welcome to the final stretch! You've made it this far, and there's not much more to go. I know you can do it, and deep down, you know it too. Here at Under the Button, we are all in your corner. And we agree! It really is time for break -- time to be free of finals, to be away from your failed situationship, to have a bedroom to yourself, and for the only thing that really matters: quality me-time. 

BREAKING: Campus A Cappella Group Ousts Musical Arranger After Botched Harmony at Family Showcase Night

(11/17/22 5:00am)

On November 16, 2022, a select few University of Pennsylvania performing arts groups held their annual Family Showcase Night in Irvine Auditorium. This is the event of the year for many empty-nesters who now have nothing better to look forward to than amateur standup comedy, a cappella, and interpretive dance. Unfortunately, a Penn A Cappella group (they wish to remain anonymous) encountered disaster after a practically life-threatening mistake was made. Thanks to in-depth and immensely involved research, Under The Button has compiled a comprehensive timeline of the tragedy.

Oh Shit! This Song Makes Me Want to Move My Body in Ways I’ve Never Moved Before

(11/28/22 2:50pm)

This past weekènd, we were at a social soirèe with some of our closest acquaintances. Upon entrance, we encountered a lackluster scene. No formidable music was present, nor were any good feelings to be had. They didn't even have champagne, only sparkling wine… from *gag* Milan *gag*. (P.s. There is NOTHING to do in Milan. It is DEVOID of activity.) How were we supposed to quench our dire thirst with this pedestrian imbibement? 

Big Spreadsheet Open on Laptop Next to Me — Now I Know All the Financial Secrets of America’s Largest Corporations!

(11/07/22 4:23pm)

I recently traveled to the Big Apple (New York City) to meet my father for the first time. The whole experience was rather stressful. Between 4:30pm and 5:19pm, I had to sprint from my CIS 1100 Recitation in Towne 315 to my one-bedroom double in Harrision College House, pack all of my belongings, travel to 30th Street Station, and board the Amtrak Acela. I’m no math major (and if you’re reading this… you probably aren’t either), but that seems to me to be a very limited time.

Penn Launches Campus-Wide Intercom System To Announce Commons Specials Every Morning

(11/02/22 11:27pm)

PHILADELPHIA, PA — University of Pennsylvania President Liz Magill went on NBC10 this morning to discuss recent issues plaguging the Class of 1920 Commons, breaking her tenure-long silence on the subject. For weeks, undergraduates and staff have been demanding clarity around the enigma that is the daily specials at Expo.

Photo Essay: Why Don't You Care That We're In The Poconos?

(10/07/22 11:44pm)

As young, bright, svelte college students, we naturally made the trek to the Poconos for fall break. You might be thinking to yourself, why did I click on this “article”? Well, mayhaps you have the urge to live vicariously through two of Penn’s youngest, brightest, and sveltest minds. Please, follow us through our journey to what we like to call The Alps of Eastern Pennsylvania… or… The Poconos. 

Your Decorations Are So Cute! And 7 Other Lies Guaranteed to Get You Friends in College

(10/19/22 2:18pm)

After a tumultuous day filled with family arguments, bickering, and long check-out lines, you’re finally settled into your shoebox of a Quad dorm room. Between sobs of bittersweet sentiments, your mom finally speaks her truth – she’s afraid you’ll never make any friends in college. And let’s be honest, she might be right! But need not fret, because you can flip the script with these 7 lies guaranteed to get you friends here at the University of Pennsylvania.