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UPPER QUAD, FLOOR 2, 8:04 AM ET – When Ben the bathroom guy stumbled into the boys’ bathroom this morning, lukewarm Wawa coffee in hand, he had no reason to expect his daily inspection and cleaning to be any different than it always was. Check the toilets, yup, covered in shit and piss. The trash can, uh-huh, shit and piss. The faucet was covered in blood, which was a little out-of-the-ordinary, but not unheard of. And, of course, the showers: also covered in shit and piss.
If you haven’t heard about it in the news recently, the Wharton Graduate Association is in a little bit of hot water. Our mishandling of charity funds have strained our relationship with the greater Philadelphia community. My peers are losing confidence in our ability to serve as an effective student government, and several of our members have already resigned in protest. The Penn community’s shaken trust in our leadership threatens our ability to hold successful Fight Nights in the future. The Boys & Girls Clubs of Philadelphia have even gone so far as to plead with us, telling us that “[the] kids really need this money.” And even if no one’s saying it, the question’s looming large in everyone’s minds: Are we really doing this for the kids? Or are we just in it for the cash? As controversy brews, I realize we haven’t been transparent with the Penn student body; my guilty conscience implores me to speak out.
I’ve been thinking about how to make Big-Little Week more about me, and I finally realized my very close personal connection to the various sisterhoods across campus.
I, a student at the University of Pennsylvania, walked past a campus tour yesterday. As I maneuvered my way through the little packs of judgemental Asian families comparing their own children to me, I felt something familiar come over me, something that I just couldn’t control.
If you’ve ever worked with kids in your life, you’ll know that they’re quick to dub every social interaction they don’t like “bullying” — anything from a glancing side-eye to hushed whispers in the back of a classroom to a well-timed swirly against an unsuspecting nerd. But this wasn’t always the case. In fact, what we now jump to call “bullying” and “ostracisation” used to be considered valid and even necessary forms of social correction. Indeed, schoolyard bullies perform a socially valuable form of public service as we aim to raise a diverse, well-socialized population that takes out its repressed childhood traumas against its peers in the boardroom.
Charlotte, a stingray in an aquarium in North Carolina, has fast become a celebrity. One might say she is the Virgin Mary of aquariums. She is the only stingray in the aquarium, accompanied by two sharks. One of these sharks is actually named Gabriel… seemingly pointing to the anticipated arrival of the marine environment's lord and savior.
Here are 7 ways to stop being coquette, because why the fuck would you want to look sweet, cute, and aesthetic, when you could look depressed, unhinged, and carefree?
LOCUST WALK, PENN CAMPUS – Fed up with Israel’s genocide and feeling helpless within the establishment resistance movement, the brothers of Phi Gamma Delta this week decided to direct their frustration towards a noble cause of their own. This Friday around noon, they plan to post up out front their crib and race. Race for a solution. Race for peace. Race for, of course, a ceasefire.
As many of you have heard from your primary news source (Sidechat), there is currently war abroad in the Middle East. While you have heard compelling arguments supporting Israel and Palestine from experts at the top of their fields (socialist girls and frat guys who have taken one poly sci class), breaking news shows that there is new information regarding the conflict. Although these experts love to use buzz words and information they learned from reliable news organizations (TikTok), the information has been proven incorrect.
Community Service? No thanks, I prefer community disservice. Next time you offer me a flier or ask me to buy from your bake sale, please don’t! I don’t need your handouts, I’m not a charity. You are! Let’s break it down:
A Computer Science Student was reported to be the first Penn student to purchase the Apple Vision Pro after staying up all night before launch day, wet with anticipation. After posting “Purchased this bad boi ✌️” on his Instagram story, the student was overwhelmed with a flurry of messages from friends asking him why he bought it. The inbound soon turned from curious to accusatory as the student faced a barrage of texts wondering if he had bought the Apple Vision Pro primarily for sexual intentions.
Students were flabbergasted today at the sight of a huge golden cube filled with cash and diamonds on Locust Walk. Loud screams, shattered glass, and ripped napkins were witnessed from outside of Pret. Bright lights, expensive film cameras, and trailers lined the entrance of Huntsman Hall. This sounds like the set of a dystopian horror movie, but students were surprised to hear that it was all for a controversial new video soon to be released by viral Youtuber Mr Beast.
OFSL has done it again! Staying true to their legacy of empowering students to catalyze change at home and beyond, OFSL has found yet another way to promote community service on campus. Starting Fall 2024, all sisters and brothers who visit a “third-world country” will earn philanthropy credit for their respective Greek organization.
Described as their ‘most coherent’ album by Rolling Stone, Vultures I is Ye’s and Ty Dolla $ign’s newest collaboration. Indeed, it is the most coherent, in the sense that you hear a toddler playing with a broken synthesizer in every single song. Critics have talked about the polarizing lyrics and persona that Ye demonstrates. But they’re missing the point: they're mad only because he’s a nazi, we're mad because that shit was ass.
Trying to pick up a Philly girl and don't know what to say to her? Lucky for you, we here at Under the Button have conducted hundreds of peer-reviewed clinical studies on what Philadelphia women want to hear:
Have your eyes been opened to the truth?
As the national debate around the merit of legacy students at elite universities swirls, Penn has answered cries for equality by restricting its qualifications for legacy status. Now, to qualify as a legacy applicant, potential Quakers must be conceived at SkiBT.
Following the initiation of blue-eyed dirty blond J. Larry Jameson as interim president, Jon Huntsman Jr. has declared a reinstatement of his donation following his October 2023 pull out. While he publicly stated this was due to Penn’s “silence in the face of reprehensible and historic Hamas evil against the people of Israel,” leaked documents have revealed that he had grown resentful of the Penn presidency's lack of diversity. Finally, Huntsman can see himself in(side) the Penn President again.
Hi Mathletes ^3^
There’s a myth, nay, a rumor, circulating around the office. A misconception that this publication needs to take itself seriously. What the fuck!