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Despite his original excitement about getting a “true college experience,” this TV show celebrity has decided that one year at Penn was just about enough for him.
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. That is, a parking lot for a Wawa. Which in some cases could be considered an even better paradise.
SUNDAY, PHL – In an effort to make incoming students feel more acquainted with their future campus, this year’s Quaker Day included a new activity: showing families the locations that their child will be MERTed next semester.
This past Monday, thousands of Penn students gathered on College Green to watch the once-in-a-trillion-years solar eclipse. Although Philadelpha was not in the path of totality, the event still managed to edge the excitement of students thanks to the ever so erotic and kinky clouds.
Big night. I’m backstage with Jen O’side and she is sweating under the lights. Or is it the pressure? A big night like this takes balls to put together, tucked or not. Her makeup is caked and her boobs are fake, and woah is she melting. I don’t know how legitimate her claim is to be here. In this setting of false pretenses, I began my interview.
An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!
Every year, I look forward to the month of Ramadan. Iftars, suhoors, and melodramatic Arab TV shows. Ah, what a joyous time of the year! Coincidentally, and in our contemporary moment, it also aligns with the release of UTB’s Joke Issue.
There are many reasons for one to begin their fitness journey. I, for one, started because I wanted to join my high school’s basketball team despite being 5,3. Guess what, it worked! But enough about me. The elephant in the room is the Penn Barbell Club — ranked the second most exclusive club at Penn after UTB. I’d like to know each of their individual reasons behind starting in the gym: Fame? Fortune? Forinication? Perhaps there was nothing to do but that.
As students come together on the anonymous social media platform Sidechat to wish each other well, look after one another, and provide tips on navigating college life, many students are wondering when they can go back to bullying each other again.
As a professional Sidechat poster, you got to know how to read a room. That’s why amid the growing campus unity, I posted “love eachother” on Sidechat.
Spring is here. My eyes are swollen. My nose is running. I have no roster, again. I took a friend to my date night, again.
Wharton Undergraduate Consulting Club (WUCC) is now opening its sought-after services up to a different population: all you lonely little nerds out there.
You’re an older freshman and everything seems perfect: you just matched with a girl on Tinder, you both have your ages listed at 19 or 20, everything is in order. Then she hits you with a dreaded question.
As date nights come and go, darty interactions fade from memory, and situationships ghost you, Penn can seem like the antithesis of love. However, cheer up! Remember that true love DOES in fact exist: this senior in a top frat is emotionally manipulating a young freshman girl!
Fresh off the tropics of spring break, I was riding the high of my lasting spray tan. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and I had just witnessed the heroism of frat boys saving the Casamigos from a burning Costa Rican villa. But as soon as I stepped through my home front door, my moment was ruined.
In the past week, the University of Pennsylvania has imposed a series of restrictions and penalties on social gatherings and events organized by on- and off-campus social organizations, as mandated by the Office for Fraternity and Sorority Life (OFSL). OFSL and the University’s administration introduced these sanctions following the implementation of the University-wide Action Plan to combat Patty’s darties.
Photo by Sophie Courtney
I. Am. Shaking. I am enchained within my tower (studio room with my cat) due to the horrific events of Monday, February 26th 2024. A fever of 38.7c —sorry idk what it is in fahrenheit-– plagues me, my chest tightens with every breath, and this curse grows stronger with each passing step that Amy Wax takes in Penn Carey Law. I fell victim to her, for I was the one who took this picture of her strolling through the building casually with her protection charms all around her neck.
UPPER QUAD, FLOOR 2, 8:04 AM ET – When Ben the bathroom guy stumbled into the boys’ bathroom this morning, lukewarm Wawa coffee in hand, he had no reason to expect his daily inspection and cleaning to be any different than it always was. Check the toilets, yup, covered in shit and piss. The trash can, uh-huh, shit and piss. The faucet was covered in blood, which was a little out-of-the-ordinary, but not unheard of. And, of course, the showers: also covered in shit and piss.