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Breaking: The Weather is Beautiful and Nothing Could Go Wrong This Week

(05/06/24 2:00pm)

PHILADELPHIA — As the sun rose upon the sleepy campus of the University of Pennsylvania, with birds chirping mellifluously amidst the backdrop of a marvelously azure sky, the Penn community reported a eudaimonic feeling of peace. Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be. Spontaneous cheers could be heard after the University decided to cancel finals week, inviting undergraduates and professors alike to “enjoy the weather” and “take a well-deserved break.”

I Interviewed The Drag Queen Who Planned Tel Aviv Night at Smokes

(04/17/24 11:37pm)

Big night. I’m backstage with Jen O’side and she is sweating under the lights. Or is it the pressure? A big night like this takes balls to put together, tucked or not. Her makeup is caked and her boobs are fake, and woah is she melting. I don’t know how legitimate her claim is to be here. In this setting of false pretenses, I began my interview. 

Faking Interest

(04/18/24 1:00pm)

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome! 

I Feel The Rush: Penn Barbell Club Replaces Ammonia Sniffing Salts with Poppers

(04/02/24 4:42pm)

There are many reasons for one to begin their fitness journey. I, for one, started because I wanted to join my high school’s basketball team despite being 5,3. Guess what, it worked! But enough about me. The elephant in the room is the Penn Barbell Club — ranked the second most exclusive club at Penn after UTB. I’d like to know each of their individual reasons behind starting in the gym: Fame? Fortune? Forinication? Perhaps there was nothing to do but that.