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REHOBOTH, DE — Approximately 30 minutes after President Joe Biden dropped out of the 2024 Presidential Election, aides close to the President reported that he promptly forgot his historic decision to withdraw and is now campaigning with even more energy.
This Passover, just as the Angel of Death passed over each Hebrew home, smiting the first-born sons of Egypt, these JVP members are being “passed over” in their grandparents’ will, smiting their inheritance.
PHILADELPHIA — As the sun rose upon the sleepy campus of the University of Pennsylvania, with birds chirping mellifluously amidst the backdrop of a marvelously azure sky, the Penn community reported a eudaimonic feeling of peace. Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be. Spontaneous cheers could be heard after the University decided to cancel finals week, inviting undergraduates and professors alike to “enjoy the weather” and “take a well-deserved break.”
I AM NOT AMERICAN!
Here's how to stay on track of your journey of becoming 'Penn sober:'
Despite his original excitement about getting a “true college experience,” this TV show celebrity has decided that one year at Penn was just about enough for him.
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. That is, a parking lot for a Wawa. Which in some cases could be considered an even better paradise.
SUNDAY, PHL – In an effort to make incoming students feel more acquainted with their future campus, this year’s Quaker Day included a new activity: showing families the locations that their child will be MERTed next semester.
This past Monday, thousands of Penn students gathered on College Green to watch the once-in-a-trillion-years solar eclipse. Although Philadelpha was not in the path of totality, the event still managed to edge the excitement of students thanks to the ever so erotic and kinky clouds.
Big night. I’m backstage with Jen O’side and she is sweating under the lights. Or is it the pressure? A big night like this takes balls to put together, tucked or not. Her makeup is caked and her boobs are fake, and woah is she melting. I don’t know how legitimate her claim is to be here. In this setting of false pretenses, I began my interview.
An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!
Every year, I look forward to the month of Ramadan. Iftars, suhoors, and melodramatic Arab TV shows. Ah, what a joyous time of the year! Coincidentally, and in our contemporary moment, it also aligns with the release of UTB’s Joke Issue.
There are many reasons for one to begin their fitness journey. I, for one, started because I wanted to join my high school’s basketball team despite being 5,3. Guess what, it worked! But enough about me. The elephant in the room is the Penn Barbell Club — ranked the second most exclusive club at Penn after UTB. I’d like to know each of their individual reasons behind starting in the gym: Fame? Fortune? Forinication? Perhaps there was nothing to do but that.
As students come together on the anonymous social media platform Sidechat to wish each other well, look after one another, and provide tips on navigating college life, many students are wondering when they can go back to bullying each other again.
As a professional Sidechat poster, you got to know how to read a room. That’s why amid the growing campus unity, I posted “love eachother” on Sidechat.
Spring is here. My eyes are swollen. My nose is running. I have no roster, again. I took a friend to my date night, again.
Wharton Undergraduate Consulting Club (WUCC) is now opening its sought-after services up to a different population: all you lonely little nerds out there.
You’re an older freshman and everything seems perfect: you just matched with a girl on Tinder, you both have your ages listed at 19 or 20, everything is in order. Then she hits you with a dreaded question.
As date nights come and go, darty interactions fade from memory, and situationships ghost you, Penn can seem like the antithesis of love. However, cheer up! Remember that true love DOES in fact exist: this senior in a top frat is emotionally manipulating a young freshman girl!