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(07/03/21 9:45pm)
Hear ye, hear ye! The time has come for the United States of Under the Button to declare independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian. Too long have we been taxed without representation. Too long has Great Daily Pennsylvanian forced us to remove our teeth and replace them with rotting wooden teeth. Too long have we been forced to wear horse costumes while DP editors in colonial garb flog us for galloping too slowly.
(07/03/21 9:14pm)
The 4th of July marks the day that we Americans celebrate our freedoms — while some hold their annual reading of the Declaration of Independence, others light up the sky with fireworks. But, according to a recent report, Little Timmy, aged 9, from Dayton, Ohio, celebrates his freedoms by refusing to clean his room, citing one of the United States' founding document.
(07/02/21 1:56pm)
In one of her final acts as Penn President, Amy Gutmann has managed to secure a return on the investment of Stouffer College House by selling it to an old wizard for a whopping seven rubles.
(07/02/21 3:53pm)
After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.
(06/30/21 5:03pm)
As summer classes comes to a close, one mensch stands out among the rest: President Gutmann believes she has finally fulfilled her language requirement, which means she has, at long last, announced her intention to take a semester abroad in Germany.
(07/03/21 9:06pm)
Whether it's barbecuing, swimming at the beach, or just throwing a frisbee around with Pop-Pop, the Fourth of July is a great holiday to spend with friends and family. However, it's essential to remember that this holiday is brought to us by the men and women who bravely fought to protect our country. Here are 8 Ways to exercise your freedoms this 4th, brought to you by HBO Max.
(06/29/21 2:13pm)
With so much still remote this summer, many people are lonely, spending hours in front of a screen while never really interacting with anyone. However, to one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool, new friend: Mom.
(06/25/21 7:41pm)
Since Penn freshman (now rising sophomore), Erika Smithson (W '24), didn't get a summer internship, she decided to go through last year's to-do list to find something productive to do. In her search, she found many things she had done but had forgotten to cross off including, "get into Penn," and others which she would have to erase because they could never happen, such as, "get into Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Princeton, or Colombia."
(06/28/21 3:37pm)
High school sweethearts Harold and Sue have been married for 47 long, long years.
(06/20/21 2:04pm)
The top 3 signs that you is Daddy
(07/07/21 5:30pm)
Craig Johnson, 14, from Moreheadville, Pennsylvania, is dedicated to the science of penile proliferation. Craig has been logging the growth of his penis on his family's living room door frame since he could hold a sharpie.
(06/20/21 2:29pm)
Do you have a hard time understanding your Dad's little quips and phrases? Are you confused every time your father opens his mouth? This Translation Guide for Understanding the Father Tongue is your key to a genuine conversation this Father's Day!
(06/22/21 2:42pm)
"Honey, speak English, please." "Mommy, why are you speaking funny?" "Bitch...are you speaking Portuguese?" These are just some of the outcries from the families of women over 45 who have fallen. These women are victims of the simulation glitch—the Portuglitch—that's trapping them in a state of miscommunication. Lonelier than ever, women over 45 worldwide are stranded in their new reality: Portuguese.
(06/18/21 3:58am)
In a new and noteworthy change up, Boston Dad, Frank Jackson (W '89), has announced he wants his kids, Sophie and Jackson Jackson (C '22, C '23) "permanently out of the house" in a press report on Friday. This announcement came as a shock to everyone since Frank has been known to frequently complain that "he never sees his kids anymore."
(06/17/21 1:41pm)
Get ready to gobble and slurp your Daddy's cummies at the Falk Kosher Dining Hall located in Hillel this fall! As part of the Jewish Renaissance Project at Penn, Rabbi Ezekiel has certified that your Daddy's cummies are glatt kosher, and Rachel Rosenberg, famed Jewish slut from your freshman hall, could not be happier.
(06/18/21 10:45pm)
Stuck in traffic—head in the clouds, hand on your balls—the Honda Civic ahead of your car gets personal. Honda drive, Sandra Sanders, throws her nuclear family dynamic in your face via the stick figure stickers on her back windshield, and suddenly you are filled with sadness. You can’t relate to this simple mom, dad, two sons, and a dog vibe, for you are a far more complicated man.
(06/23/21 3:06pm)
In the 20th century, America experienced urban white depopulation simultaneous to an influx in white suburban populations. However, recently, many white people are returning to the city in droves because of the nagging boredom inherent to suburban living. As they move back into the city, white people drive up housing costs in underdeveloped neighborhoods, replacing native residents with neoliberal urban amenities like gastropubs and cat cafés.
(06/21/21 1:15pm)
Happy Pride Month to all the girls (and gays)!
(06/30/21 4:33pm)
In a surprising change of pace, Penn Bookstore has announced a new promotion: two colostomy bags for the price of one colostomy bag!
(06/12/21 7:46pm)
John I can’t turn off the speech to text feature what I can’t turn off the speech to text feature that’s weird stop off stop it fuck Siri off this piece of junk is broken. John I got it to do a. But I can’t get it to turn off…;.,..:Carol stop telling it to do punctuation we need to tell Siri to stop typing what we say Siri Siri Siri she can't hear you yes she can try speaking louder Siri hello John you are hurting my ears why won’t she help us Siri Siri ducking bitch they have to make these things advanced to the point where it’s inconvenient John give me the phone let me try help us Siri please Siri this is so ducking annoying why won’t it say duck duck duck fuck got it..;:23. Carol stop with the punctuation Siri send a message to Matthew holy ducking shit John it wont listen to me please call your son okay okay Carol I’m ringing him do the FaceTime I want to see his face and do you want a water sweetie no I’m not thirsty how about a juice no honey I’m not thirsty do you want seltzer no hon oh Matthew is on the line hi Matthew hi Matthew hi Matthew can you hear us can you hear okay perfect sweetie you look flushed are you okay is it too hot do you have water he’s fine sweetie Matthew we can't get Siri to stop writing down what we say on mom’s phone she won’t listen look Siri Siri stop typing stop it turn off see she won’t listen but Matthew look what she does very well..;,/! Do you use this function on your iPhone because the punctuation is so much fun…,;:honey honey honey Carol please stop I can’t hear your son what was that please repeat yourself darling you are breaking up your service is spotty is that a girl in the background who is that matthew do you know there is a girl in your room wow she looks lovely I hope she isn’t an intruder she’s not an intruder Carol how can you be so sure John what was that matthew you have to just touch the screen okay thank you darling how was work today great and your commute was easy fantastic okay okay that sounds like fun well enjoy the rest of your day don’t forget to wish Papa Steve a happy birthday okay okay okay we love you okay bye sweetie bye hon John did you know he has a girlfriend no I had no idea I wish he would open up to us more do you think the two of them want to get dinner with us next week Carol I don’t know if he wants to do that does she know he has a tree nut allergy John should we call them back just tap the screen honey this is very serious if she eats a tree nut and touches his face okay Carol I’m sure she knows just tap the screen we have bridge in twenty minutes okay let me just hold on okay .../,: Carol okay okay so I just tap the sc