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Creative! Students of Soviet-style architecture trekked to 1920 Commons last Saturday to gain insight into the finer points of socialist construction and design.
As a woman in this postmodern world, I often find myself investigating my positionality. Sometimes, in horror and shame, I catch myself antagonizing other women. However, I’m always quick to realize that this is but a reflection of my own insecurity and paranoia. The patriarchy reinforces its own power by pitting women against each other, and this phenomenon asserts itself in me. This realization led to my decision to never see another woman as competition again – unless they are the same race as me. Asian.
The former Disney child star looked at the bridge to 1920 Commons and remembered her great struggle she faced so many years ago …
Shopping win! According to sources close to UTB, Gourmet Grocer may consider restocking within the next ten years or so.
After many called for Penn to require vaccines for the fall semester, Penn has reversed course, mandating that everyone must be circumcised before coming to campus this August.
As a daughter of Mexican immigrants, I understand the importance of proudly displaying as well as defending my heritage. I am aware of the horrible violations of brown and black bodies that happen across our country every day for the incredibly inane excuse of self-protection. I stand against any and all hate towards me, my family, and my culture.
Penn Fraternity, Sigma Ligma Pau, made headlines this past Saturday following the implementation of their new philanthropy drive, 4 Lokos 4 Locals. Months of planning, fundraising, and 4 Loko taste testing resulted in one of the most tragic events to take place in Philadelphia in years. We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement.
Exams are upon us, and students are stressed as usual. However, one generous professor, physicist Paul Heiney, won't let the end of the year kill his students. On Tuesday, Heiney announced he would be canceling the final exam. Students were shocked and immediately relieved, some crying tears of joy and others nearly going into cardiac arrest. Instead, students will be having a "midterm" that covers the course material for the entire year.
As the semester wraps up, students are rushing to turn in assignments and prepping for final papers and exams. Anthropology major, Max Turner (C 23), is no exception. One of his classes, ANTH 008, requires students to write 8/12 write-ups that are graded for completion. On Monday, Turner got a Canvas notification informing him that he had received no credit on his completed course write-up.
Following the expansion of vaccine eligibility to greater parts of the public, Under the Button spoke with students regarding their experiences with vaccine distribution. One Penn student, Chadwell Bradwell (W’24), reportedly has been waiting more than two weeks on the COVID-19 vaccine waitlist. In the spirit of Ivy Day, he wrote a letter of continued interest to the Pfizer Office of Admissions and was gracious enough to share it with us:
In a story breaking out of West Philadelphia tonight, it is confirmed that I do indeed like to get 2 on.
Coca Cola has done it again people! The delicious, yet highly addicting brand has leaked that Diet Coke was found to be the main ingredient in all 3 brands of the Covid-19 vaccine. While many have raised concerns in the past about the dangers of soda and the aspartame in Diet Coke, finally it feels good to tell them to suck my fucking cock.
As we reach April, or maybe mid-March, I’m not totally sure, students begin to feel burnt out and start looking forward to their next major vacation. The problem is: Many of them can’t remember if they’ve already had Spring Break already. Surely, if we’ve already had Spring Break this year, we would remember it, right? This isn’t like last year, when you went down to Florida after COVID19 was announced because plane tickets were dirt cheap and then spent the next year judging people for not wearing their masks. There is actually no way of knowing for sure whether or not we have had Spring Break. It is simply unprovable. However, we have devised a handy quiz that will help students guess based on context clues if they’ve already had Spring Break.
A campus-wide alert went out early this morning informing students that, if their plan was to turn their grades around in the latter portion of the course, it is officially too late to achieve that goal. “Realistically, who has ever managed to turn their grades around in the second half of the course?” University administrations wrote in the widely-circulated email titled, "A Message to the Penn Community on Why You All Suck." Continues the email, “You’ve either got it or you don’t, and kid, if you failed the very first midterm, then you don’t got it.”
It's common knowledge that nobody understands engineers, not even engineers. They are emotionless, rigid, and only think in terms of numbers and esoteric jargon. But don't fear! UTB has compiled a list of phrases that are GUARANTEED to turn on your engineer love interest.
Woah, who could have seen this coming? In a truly shocking turn of events, your entire group is pretending to be out of town for the next couple of weeks to avoid working on the project.
Too many students at this university are eating too few poke bowls. It’s time that changes.
Not rich enough! Amy Gutmann is determined to make the pandemic an opportunity to start her side hustle. After noticing parents want smart babies so much that Ivy League students get paid more to donate sperm, she began her startup market research. Ever wonder why Penn changed from nasal to spit tests? At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from COVID-19 tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies. Mixing and matching desired features, parents can choose from a list of premade babies or design their own! With her policy that anyone can buy a baby with little to no background checks, her business has been soaring. She has cloned over 3,000 babies from the DNA in COVID-19 tests but tries to avoid cloning anyone with a GPA below 3.6. She guarantees winners only!
Not rich enough! Amy Gutmann is determined to make the pandemic an opportunity to start her side hustle. After noticing parents want smart babies so much that Ivy League students get paid more to donate sperm, she began her start up market research. Ever wonder why Penn changed from nasal to spit tests? At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from Covid tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies. Mixing and matching desired features, parents can choose from a list of premade babies or design their own! With her policy that anyone can buy a baby with little to no background checks, her business has been soaring. She has cloned over 3,000 babies from the DNA in Covid tests, but tries to avoid cloning anyone with a GPA below 3.6. She guarantees winners only!