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Damn: Insufferable Rich Kid Actually Pretty Drippy

(11/21/22 6:08pm)

“Damn, he does have that drip though,” I thought to myself as I walked past him on Locust. This guy... kinda sucks. For one, he is always talking to his friends during our lecture and it makes it hard for me to hear what our professor is saying. Not only that, but he has friends in our lecture! What a tool. I think he is in one of the cool fraternities, and to be honest he is probably more goated than I am. Furthermore, I heard him talking to his endless friends about his PS5. I want a PS5!

Vibrator Left Behind in Huntsman GSR After Inaugural Edge Fund Board Meeting

(11/15/22 3:48pm)

Tensions ran high among the Wharton student population last Thursday after three MBA students reported hearing a mysterious buzzing noise after the conclusion of the Wharton Undergraduate Edge Fund’s first meeting of the year in JMHH 366. Upon investigation, it was revealed that one of the Fund’s board members left a Hitachi Magic Wand plugged into a wall outlet.

Intersectionality Win! CAS Boy Dates Wharton Boy

(11/11/22 5:41pm)

A step above acquiring gay rights is gaining the ability to date outside of your assigned school. There’s just so little to talk about, ya know? If I, a political sciences major, start spewing things such as “Mearsheimer’s defensive vs offensive realism”, and he –a Wharton indictee– does not understand, am I simply to walk out of the beautiful date we are having at Houston hall? 

Such Activity! My Roommate Does a Mad Fit Dance Workout While I Lounge Wistfully on the Couch

(11/15/22 3:47pm)

I love to participate in healthy habits. Whether it’s sleeping for a full 24 hours to attain beautifully clear skin and a happy heart, or going on a diet of only truly delicious food, I’m all for keeping my body at its all-time physical (and emotional if I have time because that’s not as important) peak. That’s why I am studying really hard this semester. No, I’m not wasting my time on the traditional classes offered at Penn. That would be absurd. Instead, I’m focusing on the art of dance workouts, specifically those of my roommate BeBanna Hochwoman (C ‘25). 

OP-ED: Penn Period Project Needs to Up Their Inclusivity (The Free Tampons Were Too Petite for My Monstrous Heavy Flow)

(11/08/22 3:49pm)

The other day when I found myself fighting battles in the 1920 commons bathroom, Penn Period Project’s container of free tampons was a welcome beacon of hope on that slick, off-white countertop of a horizon.  But my heart sank when I read that fateful word on the tampon’s packaging: regular.  Erm… as if there’s a “regular” type of period to have.  Do I only deserve proper menstrual care if the heaviness of my womanly flow fits society’s rigid concept of normality (which, I assure you, it does not)?  But I digress.  I had just regained my composure when I glimpsed the sign reading, “Got your period? We’ve got you!” as if to mock me and my untamable, tsunamic crimson tide.  Needless to say, I left in tears.

Hello, I Am Applying to Your DEI Committee as a White Person Who Calls My Asian Girlfriend Mi Amor

(11/08/22 3:47pm)

I like to incorporate culture in my life however possible. I have Black friends, I regularly eat at Bento, my favorite sauce is Sriracha, I took Spanish in high school, I traveled to Israel this past summer, and most importantly, my girlfriend Xiao Ming is Chinese. Xiao Ming has taught me a lot about Chinese culture. We enjoy fortune cookies, orange chicken, General Tso’s chicken, China Daily, and Kung Fu Panda together. I now know how to say, “Hi, my name is Michael” in Chinese. By the way the way you say this is, “你好,我叫笨蛋” Whenever I say this at parties, I get an array of laughs, I’m such a crowd pleaser. I even got it tattooed on my arm! Xiao Ming is so great, not only because she is Chinese, but also because we get to experience culture together. She calls me gringo and I call her Mi Amor. We decorated our 2-bedroom with a mandala and sphinx statues, and our cat’s name is Pepe.