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Consider the Glass Ceiling Broken: Sororities and Fraternities To Seek Pledges With Higher Body Counts

(10/10/23 5:07pm)

It’s safe to say that sororities and fraternities aren’t beacons of acceptance. It goes beyond not taking everyone who applies and extends to discrimination. I cried a river when I found out. But it’s a problem that the social justice warriors of the University of Pennsylvania Intercultural Greek Council take seriously. Thank god. 

Thought Of The Day: I Want Liz Magill's Perfume

(10/04/23 11:27pm)

The other day, I walked behind our beloved president Liz Magill. Her blonde hair shone as always, and she was quite poised. I had but one thought: “Wow! Her perfume’s so nice I can smell it standing 8 feet away from her." Maybe with enough money and alumni donations, I too will command the wind to carry my signature scent (Prada Paradoxe) all over locust. 

Weaponized Incompetence: Professor Doesn’t Put Syllabus in Syllabus Section of Canvas

(10/05/23 4:14pm)

As midterm season rolls around, hundreds of students are combing through Canvas in an attempt to track down their syllabus and the all too important grading breakdown. For most, it’s a simple scroll through the menu items, Class Readings (boooring), People (is that cute guy from Psych 1001 taking the course?), Course Materials @ Penn libraries (no idea what that is), aaaaand finally the Syllabus page.

OP-ED: It’s Not Your Professor’s Fault That Your Academic Drive is Decaying like The Carrion of a Murdered Prey

(10/05/23 3:14pm)

Are we the root of the problem? Do we, as students, not appreciate the effort it takes for these professors to read the material they assign to us and read to us what we already know? The answer is yes, but with a twist. You’re the problem. Not me! I’m fine, and so are my sweet and beau co-writers at this publication. You’re the issue though, and you should really stop blaming others for it, it's not so chic…

BREAKING: Armed With Nuclear Warheads, Rival Sororities Compete for Fall Bake Sale ARCH Patio Space

(10/02/23 5:21pm)

In their next maneuver, The sisters of Kappa Alpha Theta (“Theta”) plan to divert sales at the Delta Delta Delta 2023 Fall Foliage Fundraising Bake Sale by detonating 50 tons of nuclear explosives under  the patio outside ARCH. “This was a make-or-break week for Thetans the world over, and the complete destruction of both Congressional chambers alongside the death of several sitting progressives is just going to make passing Delta Delta Delta’s agenda even harder,” said an anatomically gay (not queer), politically-savvy-in-a-corporate-functionary-way ‘27 Fiji rush, describing Theta’s plan to plant and detonate 100,000 pounds of nuclear explosives under the ARCH Patio as both a “cunning political move” and a major blow to panhellenic relations.

“Sometimes, A Drink Feels Like Family” & Other Non-Concerning Statements to Help You During Rush

(09/29/23 10:53pm)

The truth behind rushing is that it’s not a personal experience meant to introduce the current members to your sorry soul. It’s actually a lot like consulting recruiting! Everyone wants to see you regurgitate some menial information regarding them to ensure your commitment to the upcoming dues that will surprise-bleed your pockets. However, dear loser (note to editor: change this to reader), we have provided a jargon et. al list that is sure to ease your rushing experience. After all, there’s nothing better than easy admissions – ask the test-optional kids!

Gunboat Diplomacy: Study Abroad Soft Launches About as Soft as Opening of Japan by US Navy Commodore Matthew C. Perry

(09/15/23 7:19pm)

If you didn’t know that Penn offers study abroad opportunities in the likes of England, France, Tel Aviv, Hong Kong, and Queensland, fear not. Even if you narrowly avoided being automatically enrolled in the Penn Global listserv, as long as you don’t live under a rock, you are likely to be informed by your peng you in Shanghai (who has a VPN), amigo in in Barthelona, or amica in Florence that they are eating better than you, taking easier classes, drinking more legally, and becoming more well-traveled by the second. In fact, you are likely to receive study abroad announcements from your entire social network, whether you care or not, by way of Instagram stories, BeReals (do they have that in a third world place like London?), and of course, I would be remiss to exclude the study abroad (public) diaries that my compadres have created as homage to their voyäges. Whenever I see medieval architecture, manicured gardens, foreign McDonald’s (trust me guys, it is SO good everywhere BUT America. You HAVE to try it. I LITERALLY go here everyday) on one of my “follower’s” stories, I make sure to swipe up and say, “Love the soft launch girl hope you are having sooooo much fun in Europe. Send me lots of pics!!!”

Health Inspectors "Take It All Back" Now That Commons Moved Dessert Section Four Feet Left

(10/01/23 7:22pm)

Literally licking the floor in glee, the same Philadelphia health inspectors that recorded 21 health violations in 1920 Commons last semester announced that they “take it all back” now that the dining hall moved the dessert section four feet to the left. “We were really disappointed with the state of Penn Dining last February,” stated health inspector Janice Janicsky. “But we were hopeful when Penn released a statement that they were ‘‘taking both immediate and long-term actions to ensure results like this do not occur again.’ Now, a whole semester later, I’m proud to see that they totally delivered by moving the dessert section just a mere four feet to the left.”

BREAKING: Penn to Accept Its First Ever Lower Merionite

(09/14/23 4:25pm)

A decisive blow that’s sure to usher in new social interactions and a newfound appreciation for small, working-class communities: Penn Admissions has accepted a scrappy young fellow into the Class of 2027. Indeed, Penn has demonstrated a commitment to providing access to academic excellence for underrepresented minorities, but the decision to accept a student from such a historically underserved region has only deepened the University’s commitment and marked it as an admissions pioneer among top institutions.