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Stupid Bitch: '82 Alumna Recollects Boring Memories of Her Youth At the Peak of Our Biopond Synesthesia

(11/13/23 7:45pm)

How to navigate one’s headspace? We ask this question because we seriously don’t know why this lady did what she did. If we were to describe this lady we would say: petite wasian queen. This matters because her mannerisms and tonality pertained to her identity and we love wasian people. What is the motif behind an elderly woman with a kind voice approaching us as we merge with the biopond? What is the motif of us telling her to go away? We attempted this endeavor to no avail because she took a picture across the pond that revealed our state of mind, intriguing because we never got her state of mind in turn; what becomes of us now that we know that she knows us better than we do her? In our time with her, she told us the last time she was at Penn was 1982. Wow! We said. And then silence. 


I’m Surrounded by Fakes: “Friend” Posts Picture of Me on Instagram Before Getting My Approval (Like Actually WTF?)

(11/14/23 4:51am)

Imagine this: you’ve just woken up after a rejuvenating, restful sleep and go on your phone to do your morning Instagram scroll (duh) and instead of the carefree morning activity you are expecting, you’re greeted by the most heinous, revolting, almost sickening photo of yourself on your feed. You can't fathom it. You must still be asleep —it's just a nightmare. 




GBM GONE WRONG: Club President Dropping Bag of SHS Condoms on Table, “No One Leaves Until These Are Finished!”

(11/16/23 8:11pm)

We don't really have a sense of what happens to a person when they come into the presidency of one of Penn's dummy exclusive clubs. Be it by force, election, or nepotism- assuming the role of president in a club that has a lower acceptance rate than the hardest of the schools at our dear university, pulls a garish determination out of a person. Harnessing this power has caused students to do many obscene things, however most of the time these presidents are sane. 




OP-ED: My Name Tent Doesn’t Define Me, My Pensive Sighing Does

(11/03/23 12:58am)

It looks like Gravesend, today, as I glance left, right, and inwards from my front row seat of MGMT 3010 and I can't help but think about what I'm doing it all for. I choose to absorb, to consume knowledge, to let ideas permeate the membrane of my consciousness until I've postulated a higher thesis on the class content. Today I am self-actualizing: this class is showing me my value, our value; let us derive value together. 



OP-ED: The Itty Bitty Keypad At Harnwell Seems Rather Bourgeois

(11/07/23 6:15pm)

Preface: I live off-campus in a comfortable building with central AC / heating and electric stoves, but this is still of utmost concern to me. This is because I lived in Harnwell (22nd floor) last year, so I feel I still have the right to comment on this. I loved it so much when I had to, like, go to the right turnstile instead of the left one because the left one was eternally broken. Eternally blocked by a chair, sometimes plastic and other times not. I think it was a metaphor for my sophomore year. 


Cougar Much? Girl (19, Junior) Goes to Date Night With 22 Year Old Freshman

(10/31/23 4:44pm)

There comes a special time in one’s life, and that time is the illustrious fraternity/sorority date night. You’re 19 and on fire, you’re desirable, you’re powerful, you go girl! Rush went sooooo well. You met some amazing people (and that Bitch Caitlyn too ig) but you know the end is nigh if you bring a boring guy to the most important event of your life: your date night. Beautiful, chic, modern women never struggle with this, though, and neither did this nondescript sorority girl. She knew she needed to take action before turning 20 and dealing with the death of her teens and losing the currency of her youth. She already had someone in mind, it was her prerogative. 



Marry Me? I Love the Way You Say Words You Don’t Know How To Pronounce At Three Times Normal Speed

(10/31/23 7:18pm)

Everyone has something that gets them going. Some self-infatuated stars have themselves as their wallpapers. Others Depop underwear. I know a fair share of accepting, worldly individuals who love to hear their partner speak their native tongue (for the most part, it’s a language from a distant land across the pond). I, on the other hand, ADORE, J’ADORE, anyone. I mean it, anyone. Who. Slurs. A. Word. When. They. Don’t. Know. How. To. Pronounce. It.



Girl in Photography Class Who You Thought Was Cool Shows Pictures from Her Fall Break: Actually Upper-Middle Class and Suburban

(10/29/23 7:30pm)

You sit down in Photography 1000: Landscapes and Also Trees, and the girl next to you is wearing a striped sweater (she tells you it’s from ‘Ganni.’ Sounds nice, but you’ve never heard of it), blue jeans and a ton of silver rings with coloured rocks on them. Her hair is long and unkempt. 


REPORT: Is That a First Date or Is My Crush Just Coffee Chatting That Double D European Chick?

(10/29/23 6:01pm)

I really REALLY need to know the context behind this situation. I just walked out of Pret with my oat milk chai latte  (I’m lactose intolerant) and guess who I see chatting it up at the tables right outside? Should I scoot a little closer to eavesdrop? Or will I hear something that will make me want to skip my 10:15?







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