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I Interviewed The Drag Queen Who Planned Tel Aviv Night at Smokes

(04/17/24 11:37pm)

Big night. I’m backstage with Jen O’side and she is sweating under the lights. Or is it the pressure? A big night like this takes balls to put together, tucked or not. Her makeup is caked and her boobs are fake, and woah is she melting. I don’t know how legitimate her claim is to be here. In this setting of false pretenses, I began my interview. 

Faking Interest

(17 hours ago)

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome! 

I Feel The Rush: Penn Barbell Club Replaces Ammonia Sniffing Salts with Poppers

(04/02/24 4:42pm)

There are many reasons for one to begin their fitness journey. I, for one, started because I wanted to join my high school’s basketball team despite being 5,3. Guess what, it worked! But enough about me. The elephant in the room is the Penn Barbell Club — ranked the second most exclusive club at Penn after UTB. I’d like to know each of their individual reasons behind starting in the gym: Fame? Fortune? Forinication? Perhaps there was nothing to do but that.

Penn Announces 2-Month Closure of Spruce Street for Daily School-Sponsored Darties Following Student Concerns Over St. Patrick's Day Regulations

(03/14/24 1:00pm)

In the past week, the University of Pennsylvania has imposed a series of restrictions and penalties on social gatherings and events organized by on- and off-campus social organizations, as mandated by the Office for Fraternity and Sorority Life (OFSL). OFSL and the University’s administration introduced these sanctions following the implementation of the University-wide Action Plan to combat Patty’s darties. 

Insider Scoop: Amy Wax Called Me a Filthy Arab Immigrant & Put Me in a Chokehold

(03/21/24 5:15pm)

I. Am. Shaking. I am enchained within my tower (studio room with my cat) due to the horrific events of Monday, February 26th 2024. A fever of 38.7c —sorry idk what it is in fahrenheit-– plagues me, my chest tightens with every breath, and this curse grows stronger with each passing step that Amy Wax takes in Penn Carey Law. I fell victim to her, for I was the one who took this picture of her strolling through the building casually with her protection charms all around her neck.

Quad Custodian Unearths Stunning 9 Foot Long Cum Fossil in Boys' Shower Drain

(03/02/24 5:00pm)

UPPER QUAD, FLOOR 2, 8:04 AM ET – When Ben the bathroom guy stumbled into the boys’ bathroom this morning, lukewarm Wawa coffee in hand, he had no reason to expect his daily inspection and cleaning to be any different than it always was. Check the toilets, yup, covered in shit and piss. The trash can, uh-huh, shit and piss. The faucet was covered in blood, which was a little out-of-the-ordinary, but not unheard of. And, of course, the showers: also covered in shit and piss.

OP-ED: Sorry I Took That $90k. It Went to a Better Cause.

(03/01/24 6:18pm)

If you haven’t heard about it in the news recently, the Wharton Graduate Association is in a little bit of hot water. Our mishandling of charity funds have strained our relationship with the greater Philadelphia community. My peers are losing confidence in our ability to serve as an effective student government, and several of our members have already resigned in protest. The Penn community’s shaken trust in our leadership threatens our ability to hold successful Fight Nights in the future. The Boys & Girls Clubs of Philadelphia have even gone so far as to plead with us, telling us that “[the] kids really need this money.” And even if no one’s saying it, the question’s looming large in everyone’s minds: Are we really doing this for the kids? Or are we just in it for the cash? As controversy brews, I realize we haven’t been transparent with the Penn student body; my guilty conscience implores me to speak out.