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(03/18/21 2:01am)
Jacob promises he has not had anything to eat or drink in the 30 minutes before his COVID-19 spit test. Nope, not even one thing. Anyone who would say otherwise is a lying little weasel and is falsely accusing him of an offense he did not commit. Jacob would never do something that could dilute the test and make it faulty. How his spit test came back the exact same shade as a blue raspberry Jolly Rancher is beyond him. Perhaps someone put dye in it when he wasn’t looking? He promises he was framed! Jacob doesn’t even eat Jolly Ranchers.
(03/15/21 1:17am)
First you stay here for spring break and labor tirelessly studying for your fifty-four midterms next week. Then you stay here for the summer, slaving away in some obscure lab researching things you don’t understand. And then after that, you think you are free as you walk across the stage and they hand you a shiny piece of paper.
(04/06/21 4:49am)
Under the Button has been around for a while now, and with it, a legacy of chaos, disruption, and overall buffoonery. But not for long. Today, I am excited to introduce Over the Button, a humor publication for high-minded elites.
(03/15/21 1:15am)
Penn has graciously granted the entire student body two marvelous days of respite. Sara, of course, has been looking forward to these days off ever since the university announced their rather reasonable Spring decision. The College sophomore circled, bookmarked, and proudly labeled March 10 and 11th in bold, red writing as Break-Down!
(03/10/21 2:27am)
Today Penn announced that they would be holding an in-person graduation ceremony this spring. The administration needs to ensure that graduation will not become a super spreader event, however, so attendance will only be available for certain groups of individuals.
(03/07/21 6:15pm)
Twenty-first century society is characterized by plentiful consumer choice for tech-enabled conveniences. UberEats, Co-Star, Amazon and many other apps have become fixtures in our daily routines. Their ubiquity has inspired global entrepreneurial endeavor as investors race to identify the next dominant platform. Martin Tiwari (SEAS’ 22) and Sarah Gomez (W’ 23) have taken notice.
(03/08/21 3:49pm)
The brothers of Delta Upsilon Mu (DUM) have issued an apology over their massive house party last weekend which involved over 400 Penn students.
(03/08/21 3:50pm)
(03/08/21 3:51pm)
One institution at Penn is taking credit for Penn’s COVID-19 test positivity rate plummeting from “holy crap” levels to “we good” levels: the Penn Positive Psychology Center.
(03/09/21 3:21pm)
Oops! Upon sitting down to write one of her four papers due this week English major Sarah Goldman C' 22 discovered some alarming medical news. "I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.
(03/09/21 3:23pm)
The introduction of new strains of COVID-19 on campus has many students, understandably, concerned. While many point fingers at violators of the Campus Compact, a study conducted by the CDC has confirmed our worst fears, that the strain is transmitted through one of America’s most beloved British shows: The Great British Bake Off.
(03/06/21 4:03pm)
With mental health concerns becoming just slightly more worrisome throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, one Penn professor is taking an innovative approach to student wellness. Dr. Bud, a well-known and highly respected professor in the Religious Studies department, began hosting virtual smoke sessions during his weekly office hours this past January. The new initiative, Herbal Hours, has been extremely successful so far, consistently gathering more students than Bud’s weekly lectures.
(03/06/21 4:04pm)
The science is in! A new study from the Penn Department of Sociology has confirmed that joining someone’s Personal Meeting Room on Zoom is basically the same as getting to third base with them.
(03/06/21 4:05pm)
The group was buckling down to tackle the motherfucking group homework of the week! During the Introduction to Microeconomics Friday recitation, Stephanie Lopez (C’23), Dennis Ward (C’24), and Josiah Gordon (C’24), joined their breakout room, ready to get down to the problem set.
(03/06/21 4:07pm)
In a lot of ways, Penn Transit is that girl. We all know and love her. Even though she takes approximately 67 minutes to get ready every time we go out... It’s okay because she’s there when we need her most.
(03/09/21 3:26pm)
We’ve all been there. You’re in an asynchronous lecture and you start to feel something. Is ... is my professor into me? Are they hitting on me right now? Here are five ways to determine if your suspicions are in fact accurate.
(03/15/21 1:21am)
On Ash Wednesday, Kate Collins (C '22) decided that for the next 40 days of Lent, she, just like her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, would be completely withdrawing from society. She has made the conscious decision to totally and utterly, 100% abstain from life.
(03/30/21 6:38pm)
Ezra Bachar (C’24) has been caught up in the biggest plagiarism scandal of the week. They have been in a dispute with their European History professor since early Monday morning, who granted them an automatic fail when noticing that their essay could be found word-for-word on Wikipedia. Bachar claims that, although there are significant similarities between their essay and the Wikipedia page, it does not count as plagiarism because they authored the entire Battle of Agincourt article themselves. This twelve-page article contains almost 200 citations and is so high-brow that it doesn’t even mention that the Battle of Agincourt was the inspiration for the Battle of the Bastards in Game of Thrones. The only cultural references included are to Shakespeare adaptations, a sign that most classmates agree suggests that this was not the work of Bachar.
(03/24/21 1:03am)
Intro to Marketing Professor Theodore Waddell recently sent out an email to all of his students entitled “Five Reasons Why We Are Switching to Clickbait Format (And Five Reasons Why We Should Absolutely Do No Such Thing).” Students were confused by the contradictory nature of the email. Is this, as the email claimed, what it looked like when a college class embraced the unique challenges of reaching a large viewer demographic in an Internet culture that is becoming increasingly niche? And if the email contained fifteen things you’d never thought you’d hear a professor say, why did at least ten of them sound identical while the other five were just ads?
(03/06/21 8:24pm)
New Student Orientation is pretty great as is, but just imagine if everything was farm themed. Think about it - replace the darties with tractor rides, the late nights with some lit ass land tilling. I know, I’m also queefing with excitement.