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Here is Some of Jane Eyre

You wanted it, you asked for it — we listened.

Penn Replaces Mask Mandates With Whatever the Fuck Bjork Is Wearing Here

OP-ED: I Don’t Care That Someone Is Impersonating You on Instagram, and I Will Not Report the Account

Maybe I am a bad person, maybe one day I will be the victim of a crime just as heinous, and maybe then I will have sympathy for these individuals who have their internet persona robbed from them, but as of now, I do not care. 

Hmm: Cryptic, Hastily Applied Sticker on Lamp Post Doesn't Really Give Anything to Go Off Of

I suppose it could be some sort of political statement? I mean, you have a virus in a TV on top of a suit. Maybe it’s like, commentary on how mass media has influenced the popular perception of the pandemic? Then again, it could just as easily be the calling card for some underground, sharply-dressed EDM musician named DJ Sicko.

Sorry I Was Late to Class Professor, My Service Rabbit Laid an Egg and Hatched Babies in My Room

Here's a valid excuse for missing class: a warning to the insensitive fools who skip class for a death in the family.

I Lived It: He Left Me for a Girl Who Uses “Begs the Question” Erroneously

Readers, my jaw was on the floor. Did this girl seriously just invoke the logical fallacy in an erroneous manner?

OP-ED: I Did Not Come To Moelis Family Grand Reading Room to Make Friends

When I swipe with three fingers on my trackpad to access all 12 of my desktops (each with a different photo of St Vincent as desktop background), do not come near – the magnificence of it all might frighten you. 

Jaywalking is a Mortal Sin Worthy of Eternal Damnation

I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?

Liberal Hoax! COVID-19 Testing Fake, Biden Just Really Thirsty for Human Saliva

"By ingesting the saliva of every citizen, I can consume your thoughts and, in this way, connect intimately and effectively with the needs of the American public." - President Joe Biden

Letter From the Editor: Okay but Check This Out

Now, I have a natural aptitude for the athletic — I can do a gorgeous spin, and every day I wake up and perform the ancient practice of dance for at least fifteen minutes.

Progressive! Penn to Rename FGLI Students P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S.

Go P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S!

BREAKING: Girl in Off-Campus Sorority Hat Says “It's Giving,” Whole Table Laughs

Holy shit. She is so funny.

Student Appeals Academic Board, Claiming Her Interracial Relationship Satisfies Cross-Cultural Analysis Requirement

Johnson shares that she was ultimately unsuccessful in her appeal, but is not giving up on “fighting the good fight.”

OP-ED: No, No, No, I’m Not Eating Alone, Just Waiting For My Friend, Haha

Yeah, I’m eating here alone at Hill, but I’m just waiting for my friend to show up. He should be here any minute. Didn’t plan on eating alone like some kind of sad-sack loser.

Editorial: We Are Still in a Pandemic

The thing we have come to know as something as big as life – covid, coveed, the rona, the Kung Flu, Wuhan Virus, however you want to call it – is still there. And guess what? It will never go away

Ugh! I Can No Longer Let My Tongue Hang Limply From My Mouth in COMM 125 Recitation

Letting my tongue hang out of my mouth is like a private affirmation that I am cute and petite like a Yorkshire terrier.

Progress! Only Two (2) Students Sent to Hospital After Commons Dinner This Week

I hope to one day acquire enough power to end the Penn dining plan once and for all. But for now I will eat my La Plancha meal swipe burrito and ponder a better future.