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Benji Elkins


Articles

Passover Gone Wrong: These JVP Members Are Being “Passed Over” in Their Grandparents’ Wills

“I’m divesting you from the lake house, Rachel” said one Bubbe.


TV Show Celebrity Decides One Year On Campus Pretty Much Enough For Him

“He was very accustomed to craft services,” says one source, “He really was disappointed at the lack of craft services. You’d think for an Ivy League school we’d have craft services – at least for the students who really matter.”


New Quaker Day Activity Showed Parents Where Their Children Will Later be MERTed

By seeing Biopond now, students can at least pretend to remember what it looks like when they get MERTed there later.


Forbidden Love? This Senior in a Top Frat is Emotionally Manipulating a Freshman

She’s totally in love. He briefly stopped snapping other girls out of respect. Who said true love can’t thrive at Penn?!?


"I Took a Gap Year" and Other Sayings To Help You Get With Upperclassmen on Tinder

You’re an older freshman and everything seems perfect: you just matched with a girl on Tinder, you both have your ages listed at 19 or 20, everything is in order. Then she hits you with a dreaded question: “What year are you?”


BREAKING: Penn to Restrict Legacy Status to Applicants Conceived at SkiBT

Penn will also extend special status to applicants whose parents were avid coke users throughout their time at Penn.


Model UN Staffer’s Phone Filled With WAY Too Many Videos of Underage Kids

The staffer's phone is filled with videos of minors singing karaoke, dancing, passing resolutions, pretending to give birth, and other various acts the children's parents remain unaware of. 


OP-ED: This Is the Scariest Place on Campus

 I shudder every time I walk past. 


Finally! Penn To Limit Study Abroad Students to Only One Private Story Post Per Day

We get it, you went to KitKatClub last night. Whatever. You can literally do that in Philadelphia too. It’s called TLO.


“Oi Mate, I’m Also From Manchester” Says Freshman Rushing Castle From Cleveland

When questioned for comment, the brothers only had good things to report about the now-international Trillo. “It’s just nice to be with some of your own,” responded a Castle brother from the Philadelphia Main Line. 


Sheesh: This Homeless Man Just Told You He’ll Also Take Venmo

Usually, you’d say “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.” Can’t pull that shit now!


OP-ED: I Just Saw You Piss On Ben Franklin And You Definitely Need To Hydrate

Come on bro. No way you can tell me you’re proud of that stream. 


Sophomore Who Double Paid For On-Campus Dorm and Chestnut Apartment Still Really Passionate About UC Townhomes Crisis

“It’s just crazy how limited available housing is these days,” Davis said as she walked from her Chestnut apartment living room, past the guest bedroom, and into her master bedroom.


Health Inspectors "Take It All Back" Now That Commons Moved Dessert Section Four Feet Left

We cry out and Penn Dining responds: "We hear you!"



DP Survey Finds Houston Hall Still Nowhere Near as Wet as the Engineering Students They Polled

Some engineering students have spoken to Under the Button reporters directly to comment on their nymphomania. However, we could not understand them due to their poor social cues. It really is a mystery how they’re getting some.


What’s Wrong With Him?! This Man Posted Something on Sidechat That Isn’t Totally Miserable

Woah, slow down chief. Who does this guy think he is?!


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