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A recent study conducted by the Penn Sociology Department found that, despite Penn boasting an undergraduate population of just over 10,000, only 97 students reported feeling any sense of self-esteem in the 2018 calendar year.
In a statement confirming every initial impression of Jon M. Huntsman Hall ever, A. Eugene Kohn, the architect behind Huntsman Hall, revealed that the building’s “chode-like appearance [was] not entirely incidental.”
At 3:38PM on Tuesday, December 11th, 2018, Engineering junior Jonathan Samuelson experienced his first gentle human touch in weeks in an unlikely place: Van Pelt Library.
Last Friday, while leaving the last lecture of her second to last semester at the University of Pennsylvania, College senior Elizabeth Jones reportedly admitted that she still harbored some suspicion about the legitimacy of her enrollment in school.
In a surprising turn towards environmentalism, University officials announced last Wednesday that the iconic red "tampons" sculpture, which lives by the high rises, would be replaced by a monument to menstrual cups.
In line with their commitment to providing Penn students a silent place to study, librarians at the Fisher Fine Arts library escorted an ASL study group from the premises early last Thursday for “disturbing the peace.”
After his weekly Thursday night Skype chat with his high school sweetheart, Robert Jones (W '22) turned to his roommate, joy nearly palpable, and proclaimed his excitement for Thanksgiving break.
Responding to an emergency call from Pottruck facility staff around 9:30PM last night, Penn MERT arrived on scene to find Jason Martin (SEAS ’19) sprawled on the ground on the second floor by the stairs, clutching his chest and his right leg and breathing erratically.
Jacob Smith, a junior studying economics in the College, may not strike you immediately as someone who fulfilled his language requirement with Mandarin. But don’t let looks deceive you: after an immersive, challenging, and rewarding year taking elevators up to and down from his 5th floor apartment in Domus, Jacob is fluent.
In a surprising turn of events, local Engineering junior Samantha Fontaine demonstrated her remarkable competence at self-loathing during last night’s study group meeting, despite her impressive resume.
Late Thursday night, just hours before HW07 — PennPals was due, the University Honor Council was reportedly seen stalking an unnamed, terrified prospective CIS major like a school of sharks circling a wounded tuna.
Have you ever looked up at a Penn building and thought, “Whoa, I wish I had several million dollars to donate to the school that has already sucked me dry of my money and my will to live! Wouldn’t it be great to have my name on a building?” Neither have we, but here are a couple ways you can still score a coveted dedication while paying off your student loans in this lifetime:
Early Wednesday afternoon, College freshman Elizabeth Parker was returning home from Pottruck when she decided to make a quick stop at the weekly campus farmer’s market outside of the bookstore. Her seemingly innocuous purchase, a peanut butter cookie and a small succulent, soon took a turn for the worse.
Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set. For the first time since his career began, Smith managed to remain standing through every single joke—not once did he collapse onto the floor, or stumble into a nearby chair or go careening into the unsuspecting arms of people seated in the first row!
Last Thursday morning started out normally for Kevin Brown (C ‘20). He partook in an ordinary three-hour stare at his phone between the hours of 1 a.m. and 4 a.m., with casual periodic sessions of staring at the ceiling, wondering where it all went wrong (to relieve eye strain). Before going to sleep, he DM’d his friend group a hilarious, completely innocuous comment about the “crushing and unrelenting weight of being alive. Gn."
Around 6:30 p.m. last Friday, Sally May (C ‘20) was spotted walking from the University City Sheraton Hotel back to her dorm in the high rises, sporting a tasteful, slightly longer than shoulder-length bob, a well-tailored black pantsuit, and the distinct look of having failed to impress a single recruiter.
In a historical first since 0 B.C., the Lord God, Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, made an appearance on Earth, descending from His exalted throne and parting the pollution above the Schuylkill to announce that He would be withdrawing from CIS 160 following Midterm 1.
Shocking the lecture hall and flouting academic precedent, Prof. Harold Ash of the Chemistry department revealed that the curve in his Chem 102 class was set for nothing more than “the drama,” despite information to the contrary on the syllabus.