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A new psychological study from Penn’s emerging Lana Del Rey Center for Psychosomatic Excellence has confirmed what many researchers have suspected for years – besties who slay together stay together.
The ongoing coronavirus pandemic has wreaked havoc on all aspects of campus life. However, the famously loving and prudent Greek life community has not let that stopped them from creating safe spaces for their members to thrive.
Last Friday night as you stumbled back from your COVID-safe hangout with all forty of your closest besties - it happened. A stranger approached you for your wallet and you – being the little bitch you are – gave it to them.
The 2020 Atlantic Hurricane season has been one of the most intense on record, with the list of named storms dipping into the Greek alphabet. And the latest storm is one you’re gonna want to know about – meet Tropical Storm Theta! Named for the beloved Penn sorority known for their LGBT friendly attitudes and being both hot and cool (think Dua Lipa or Rina Sawayama), Tropical Storm Theta is wreaking havoc in the East Atlantic. It looks like the storm might just be headed towards Ibiza or Majorca for a night of wild and crazy fun – sounds like a Theta girl to me!
Okay activist! College junior Jessica Smith posted a single black square on her Instagram page. It was a huge risk for her – but she feels it was the right decision. “There is so much going on – I did what I could to help” said Smith. When asked to elaborate on what she meant by “so much going on” Smith added “You know – everything going on.”
In a brave act of cognitive dissonance, College graduate Dean Morris is both a white gay man leaching culture from the Black community as well as a proud member of the systemically racist American police force.
The Louvre — the treasured largest art museum in the world — has not burned down. But if it were to burn down, I would post the above picture on my Instagram. The Louvre is a must-see for anyone who visits Paris, and I spent a lovely weekend in Paris when I studied abroad in Europe. Because of this, the Louvre burning down would affect me personally.
Listen up fives – a ten is speaking.
British exchange student Jessica Cannon had a “top drawer” weekend. “Lit rally had the time of my lyfe. Last night was a film luv.” said Cannon. “I quite liked it.”
That’s right! I shaved a slit in my eyebrow, and I look great!
You did it! You’ve finally been selected for an old-fashioned icepick lobotomy. Say goodbye to your frontal lobe and say hello to a whole new world, you iconic legend! A talented team of specialized doctors have decided that you should not think anymore. It would be a net positive for society if you were no longer able to generate thoughts.
“It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV,” said Wharton sophomore Roger Smith about his decision to study abroad in the small New England town of Quahog, Rhode Island. “I just really wanted to find a place with those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely,” said Smith, who will be taking classes at the Rhode Island College while also interning at the local Pawtucket Brewery.
Nursing junior McKenzie Castor had another exciting weekend. She had the time of her life while her neurons were massacred, yet again, by the endless stream of Burnett’s Peach Vodka she funneled down her throat. “Okay Queen!!!!” shouted her friends as she started to lose her sense of balance.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” you immediately scream! Your entire life has been leading up to this moment. The hostess saw you walking in and knew you were the one – you were selected for the car table. Vroom vroom baby. They don’t give the car table to just anyone.
After a campus wide poll, Under the Button Dot Com is proud to announce that this year’s most popular pets are a loose rat and a box of bugs. These trendy pets come with many benefits and are relatively easy to take care of—the perfect pet for any busy college student. The more one researches these cuddly cuties, the more one understands why so many students on campus are adding a loose rat and a box of bugs to their home.
In a sustainability win, the LGBT Center recently announced the arrival of poppers of tap. The party drug, popular amongst queers and avant-garde heterosexuals, will now be supplied on tap at the LGBT Center. Drop by with your reusable vial and fill up!
Sophomore Nate Jacobs recently revealed he has developed a nicotine addiction in preparation for his semester abroad in Europe. When Jacobs got accepted to his program in the city of love — Paris, France — he was excited to explore a new city but nervous about fitting in. Then one day on his way to class he passed the usual group of international students smoking cigarettes outside of Meyerson and knew what he had to do — start smoking immediately. Jacobs went to Wawa the next day to buy a pack of Newport's and that’s all she wrote. It was love at first drag. Now, Jacobs smokes a pack of cigarettes everyday — and he’s doing great. He looks really cool and has really been learning to love the simple pleasures of life, like waking up and smoking a crisp cigarette. Jacobs is no longer worried about fitting in Europe now that he smokes cigarettes. He might be incompetent in French despite planning on studying abroad in Paris but it won’t matter as long as he’s got a cigarette in his hand. The French students will be flocking to him the second he lands just like the girls do at Penn when they catch him lighting up on campus. When asked for comment Jacobs just started coughing — but he looked super hot while doing it! There is nothing as handsome as a man with a cigarette! He might be showing early signs of lung cancer but he’s sure to have a hell of a time abroad.