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If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?

(02/15/22 2:43pm)

It’s a Tuesday afternoon. You make the hajj to the fourth floor of College Hall, devastatingly winded by the act of walking up more than one flight of stairs. You are so eager to learn whatever it is this class is about that fulfills the history & traditions sector.  The moment you walk into class, you are greeted by your certified DILF (or GILF, if we are being precise): Dr. Albert Bernard, who is flicking the lights on and off in an attempt to turn on the projector. 

Not Again! Uncle’s Newest Girlfriend Qualifies for Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving

(11/25/21 4:01am)

It’s 7:02 pm, and you see your Uncle Dave’s car pull up to Grandma Betty’s for Thanksgiving Dinner. He’s the type of uncle who communicates in grunts and says things like “look how big you’ve gotten” as if it's still a compliment now that you’re twenty. He has a job but you have no idea what it is, and you’ll probably never know. Dave has the type of face that would be utterly forgettable if he was not your uncle. 

Gift With Purchase: The Kombucha in Acme is Free if You Want it to be

(10/23/21 4:38pm)

Ok, fuck yes! Following in the footsteps of ARCH and CVS, Acme has instituted a new Gift With Purchase policy where you can literally walk out of the store with your pick of the kombucha crop as a little present for shopping there. You and your little friends can have any bubbly fermented tea beverage, for free, as you peruse the aisles and shop for your little snacks. Heck– take two! They're yours for the taking, babe. While you're at it, take some gum! And some nacho Doritos! Really, have fun with it. Being a college student is hard (aww) and grocery shopping can be so stressful. And Acme understands our plight! When you get to the checkout line, you really only have to pay for one out of every ten or eleven items you plan on leaving with. Just shove it in your tote and walk right out. You deserve it— you had a really long day after all. 

We Counted: Seven (7) Penn Students Have Green Passes

(10/19/21 7:04pm)

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes, signifying non-compliance with the University’s COVID testing policies. After rigorous data gathering and ethnographic research, Under the Button found that a total of seven (7) deeply awesome undergraduate students were awarded the coveted green pass. For our mathematically-oriented thinkers, this means a whopping .07% of Penn’s student body did their civic duty of protecting the Penn community from the novel coronavirus— and we are so proud of them! 

OP-ED: They Should Do a Capella With Instruments

(11/08/21 7:56pm)

UGH! Another day, another dollar. And by another dollar? I mean another fucking a cappella group screaming at me to come to their a cappella show. It's exhausting! Here I am, walking down locust, with my robust upper body and snatched waist, listening to a podcast about nothing. And you bother me? To tell me to come to your a cappella show of all things? 

REPORT: Kelly Writers' House Found to Be Even More Erotic Than Berlin Sex Clubs

(09/23/21 2:11pm)

Recent groundbreaking ethnographic research conducted by the Ginsburg Institute for the Amorous and Desirable has shown that the Kelly Writers’ House exudes more eroticism and sensuality than Berlin’s hottest sex clubs. The stalls of Das Fücking, for example, located in the heart of Berlin’s redlight district, are filled to the brim with literal coke-fueled kink lords. And yet, there is more raw, animalistic sexual energy to be found within the green libidinous walls of KWH. 

Astronautical Engineering and Ten Other Things That Are Easier Than Meal Prepping for One

(04/05/21 4:13am)

In in the age of the coronavirus pandemic, many of our favorite restaurants and dining halls have been closed, forcing us to cook our own meals. The entire process of choosing meals, going to ACME, and then actually preparing and cooking them is spiritually and emotionally draining. It’s so difficult, in fact, that we’ve compiled a list of things that are easier than meal-prepping for one. 

Philly Heroes! Frats Holding Events Downtown To Support Local Restaurants

(02/05/21 6:08am)

Can we get a round of applause for our boys in letters? The COVID-19 pandemic has severely impacted the restaurant industry, which is really, really sad. So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. 

Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Cold and Disease Ridden

(01/20/21 2:13am)

Peanut butter and chocolate. Eggs and bacon. Cookies and milk. All perfect combinations, right? Wrong. The most perfect combination of them all — the combination that makes you go, “Bro, this is the most perfect combination I have ever experienced” — is the University of Pennsylvania, in winter, plagued with the novel coronavirus disease. 

BREAKING: Acme to Open a Mini Acme Inside the Starbucks in Acme

(10/23/20 3:31pm)

On a historic day for Penn Students and the West Philadelphia community, Acme Markets premiered its new superstore equipped with robot salad stations, custom cakes, and most importantly, a fifth campus Starbucks. Students have long complained about the lack of fast-casual coffee establishments near campus, as two Pret-A-Mangers, four Starbucks, two Dunkins, United by Blue, and a Saxbys just didn’t cut it. 

Under the Button’s Guide to Voting (For Girls and Gays)

(10/10/20 8:52pm)

Listen up, girls and gays. We totally understand why this election is important. And we really really care about it. But, let’s be honest for a second. We’re hot! And if you’re reading this, you’re probably hot. We lead super busy lives (being hot). So we wanna make voting as sexy as possible, given the deeply unerotic nature of participating in our democracy. 

Fast Fashion? Zara Order Taking a Little Too Long to Arrive

(10/15/20 4:20pm)

It's 2020, and people have become privy to the abuses and exploitation of the fast fashion industry. Huge clothing corporations crank out new pieces of clothing to keep up with current fashion trends, resulting in gross consumerism and waste. They also rely on unethical labor practices to mass-produce said clothing for dirt cheap so that girls like me can sit at their desk and alternate between online shopping and texting. But I have one question for you: if fast fashion is so "fast," then why am I still waiting for my Zara order to arrive?