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Living in the Past? This Student Is a Classics Major

(04/14/19 12:41pm)

This is honestly pretty pathetic. Joseph Cane (C '20) is pursuing a major in classical studies because he apparently can't let anything go. Cane was spotted in Van Pelt last weekend checking out the Odyssey and Oedipus Rex among other books that are majorly old news. There's a tidal wave of modern media that hasn't been junking up libraries for the past two millennia, but he just has to work out his mommy issues the way renaissance intellectuals and Baby Boomers did. Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.

My Failures Don't Define Me. That's My Electric Skateboard's Job.

(04/05/19 2:00am)

When I first stepped onto Penn’s campus three years ago, a narrative about my life started taking shape, but I felt like I had no control over it. Every club rejection, bad exam grade, broken snap streak, and stain on my once brilliantly white Stan Smiths felt like a hammer tapping away at the marble sculpture of my identity. Even when I did succeed at something, good moments felt like transient blips in my story, stringing my self-esteem along just enough to make me feel like I could take a risk again. Then, inevitably, I would fail. After countless trudges through this cycle, my failures stopped seeming like events and more like glimpses of who I truly was: a failure. 

Quiz: Did a Frat Star Punch a Hole in Your Wall, or Was It a Tiny Mr. Kool Aid Man?

(02/21/19 4:28am)

Here's the scenario: after throwing an absolutely bangin' mixer last night, you come downstairs to assess the carnage. It's all sunshine and roses (and beer bottles and vomit) until you see a crater in your drywall. Shit! Your landlord is not going to want to hear about it after that zucchini incident last November. If it were a frat boy, you can track him down and Venmo charge that bitch, but if it were a tiny Mr. Kool Aid man bursting forth through your wall, you might be shit out of luck. Take this quiz to find out:

All Penn Advising to be Replaced by Microsoft Word's 'Clippy' Assistant

(02/11/19 7:04am)

Thanks to the hard work and genius of a Malcom Kettle (E '19), Penn advising is taking a great leap forward.  Kettle, who will graduate just after his software's implementation, is leaving his mark on Penn by re-releasing Microsoft Word's Clippy assistant. Kettle gained the rights to Clippy through his summer internship at Microsoft last year when CEO Michael Dell told Kettle he "could not give a flying fuck what anyone does with Clippy."

5 Juicy Citrus Fruits to Peel When you Miss the Thrill of Undressing Your Winter Break Lover

(02/06/19 8:46am)

Your grade-school gal pal, back-home boy toy, or nonbinary Noel-nuzzler may have tamed your young lust over winter break, but bad news, friend. School is BACK, and so is your insatiable, stress-fueled sexual appetite. Luckily, your neighbors here at UTB have assembled a list of citrus fruits that can stave off your hunger and horniness all at once!

Weekly Horoscope: Which Pret Sandwich is Your Sign?

(04/17/18 2:11pm)

Aries: The straightforwardness and enthusiasm of an Aries is best characterized by the “Pret’s Ham and Cheese” baguette. A land animal sign, Aries is associated with sandwiches that are meat-forward and cautionless, feeling no need to cloak their true selves with a spread. Weekly Horoscope: Steer clear of Whole Foods. A listeria recall may be affecting your cheese.

Where Are They Now: Four White Pledge Bucket Hats Tell All

(04/09/18 11:23am)

Remember when white bucket hats were all the rage? It sure does bring back some memories of a simpler time. Remember when you could tell if she was too young for you just by seeing her shuffle along Locust Walk in a pledge hat? We were able to track down four of these iconic hats—though some consider their glory days long gone, others have gone on to have successful second careers.