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It's been a month since The Halal Guys opened a franchise in University City, and, so far, the business seems to be a booming success. However, like ivy growing up a fence, the Halal Guys cling to oppressive infrastructure to grow upward. In this case, that infrastructure is the patriarchy.
This is honestly pretty pathetic. Joseph Cane (C '20) is pursuing a major in classical studies because he apparently can't let anything go. Cane was spotted in Van Pelt last weekend checking out the Odyssey and Oedipus Rex among other books that are majorly old news. There's a tidal wave of modern media that hasn't been junking up libraries for the past two millennia, but he just has to work out his mommy issues the way renaissance intellectuals and Baby Boomers did. Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.
When I first stepped onto Penn’s campus three years ago, a narrative about my life started taking shape, but I felt like I had no control over it. Every club rejection, bad exam grade, broken snap streak, and stain on my once brilliantly white Stan Smiths felt like a hammer tapping away at the marble sculpture of my identity. Even when I did succeed at something, good moments felt like transient blips in my story, stringing my self-esteem along just enough to make me feel like I could take a risk again. Then, inevitably, I would fail. After countless trudges through this cycle, my failures stopped seeming like events and more like glimpses of who I truly was: a failure.
So, let me get this straight. The very week it's warm enough to go outside without a goddamn arctic parka, some talking heads in the South decide it's time for March Madness to start? That's just great.
[ACTION REQUIRED] Advance registration
Score, bros! Mark Biles (E '22) got "totally laid" over break when he went home to spend quality time with his family and, apparently, settle some unfinished business with his high school crush. UTB's man on the ground has the juicy, sensual details. Mark's statement is as follows:
I didn't hook up with Jaylen, ladies. I know — I was so into him, and he's totally gorgeous, but it's just... he only has three beer bottles lined up on his shelf. What am I supposed to do with that?
Here's the scenario: after throwing an absolutely bangin' mixer last night, you come downstairs to assess the carnage. It's all sunshine and roses (and beer bottles and vomit) until you see a crater in your drywall. Shit! Your landlord is not going to want to hear about it after that zucchini incident last November. If it were a frat boy, you can track him down and Venmo charge that bitch, but if it were a tiny Mr. Kool Aid man bursting forth through your wall, you might be shit out of luck. Take this quiz to find out:
Thanks to the hard work and genius of a Malcom Kettle (E '19), Penn advising is taking a great leap forward. Kettle, who will graduate just after his software's implementation, is leaving his mark on Penn by re-releasing Microsoft Word's Clippy assistant. Kettle gained the rights to Clippy through his summer internship at Microsoft last year when CEO Michael Dell told Kettle he "could not give a flying fuck what anyone does with Clippy."
Your grade-school gal pal, back-home boy toy, or nonbinary Noel-nuzzler may have tamed your young lust over winter break, but bad news, friend. School is BACK, and so is your insatiable, stress-fueled sexual appetite. Luckily, your neighbors here at UTB have assembled a list of citrus fruits that can stave off your hunger and horniness all at once!
Smokey Joe's campus bar, in an effort to restrict underage entry, is instituting a compulsory two-step verification enrollment for all its patrons this month.
Ladies, thank you all for coming to the rush meeting. We have an amazing group of girls this year, but our sisterhood cannot reach as far as the 200 girls still on the rush list.
Finals season is upon us, and many students from the area are migrating home to increase their productivity while they prepare for exams. Allie Gross (E '20) is among the homeward bound, but one thing sets her apart from her peers: Allie has no intention of returning to campus this year.
Hi. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Molly Applebaum, and some really hurtful rumors have been circulating about me lately. I contacted UTB to get my story out, and I hope this article sets the record straight: nobody did me during fling.
Three days ago, Philadelphia courts were overflowing with an influx of women aged 18-24 interested not in appealing their speeding tickets or renewing their passports, but in simultaneously changing their names to “Katie.”
Aries: The straightforwardness and enthusiasm of an Aries is best characterized by the “Pret’s Ham and Cheese” baguette. A land animal sign, Aries is associated with sandwiches that are meat-forward and cautionless, feeling no need to cloak their true selves with a spread. Weekly Horoscope: Steer clear of Whole Foods. A listeria recall may be affecting your cheese.
Fling has flung!!! Stop by Saxbys to pick up your HUP wristband and save time in the emergency room this weekend.
OMG! I’m so embarrassed! Judy Bloom didn’t say it would be anything like this. I was in Oceanography in DRL and when I ducked out for a bathroom break, I pulled down my pants and thought maybe I shat myself out of boredom, but I’m starting to think that’s not the case…
This week, PennOutdoors announced an exciting and enriching hiking program available to undergraduates for the summer of 2018. Admitted participants will backpack to Student Health Services at 36th and Market, learning to cook their own food, dress their own wounds, and navigate by the stars along the way.
Remember when white bucket hats were all the rage? It sure does bring back some memories of a simpler time. Remember when you could tell if she was too young for you just by seeing her shuffle along Locust Walk in a pledge hat? We were able to track down four of these iconic hats—though some consider their glory days long gone, others have gone on to have successful second careers.