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Adam First


Articles

Student Living at Home Schedules House Meeting After Roommates Come Home Drunk from Aunt Linda’s Again

“Really you two?? I thought you raised me to never act like this,” said Samantha. 


OP-ED: How Long Is the Drop Period for This Internship?

I just want to know how long I have to keep exploring my options, even though yeah, I know I interned here last summer too.


Professor Totally Forgot About Course Evaluations, Just Brought Donuts for No Reason

Make sure to take an extra donut as you type, and remember that I also brought in Pop Ems too. 


Residential Services Tries to Sublet Entire Quad for Summer

Looking to sublet a spacious, castle-like structure with definitely, at least, some bedrooms from late May — very early August.


Soundworks Tap Factory Really Bad at Hide and Seek

In an attempt to branch out and engage new members, Soundworks Tap Factory has been experimenting with new activities. 


OP-ED: If My Professor Didn’t Want Me to Fall Asleep, Then Why’d He Turn off All the Lights?

It can’t possibly be my fault I fell asleep during your class. The air was warm, the chairs were comfortable, and the room was literally pitch black.


OP-ED: I May Not Give A’s, but I Do Give High Fives

Instead of actually making the course more challenging, I’ve just decided to eliminate the letter A from my repertoire.


Sasha’s Allergies to Blame for Not Having Class Outside

Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 


Anti-Social Junior Blames Rain for His Lack of Dartying

Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.


All Penn Landscaping Decisions Reduced to What Flowers Will Bloom for Quaker Days

The most popular species thus far have been the Growius Fastia, the Comehere Pleas, and the Weare Better Thanyale.


Pennsylvania Lawmakers Propose Ban on Single Use Fling Tanks

Why do you want to waste your money on a tank top with a Penn club pun that has a slightly inappropriate twist to it?


March Madness Win: This Mechanical Engineer Had the Best Bracket

He’s previously competed in a desk building competition, so Hader has had to pick brackets before. Last year, he put all his money on the Everbuilt Zinc Plated 1 ½” Bracket, but that one lost it all during the strength test. 


OP-ED: I Totally Know Who Miguel Is, but I’m Asking to Make Sure You Know…

Oh wow, so Miguel is gonna be playing at Fling. That’s awesome..right? Is it good or not good?


How to Walk down Locust so Everyone Knows You’re from New York

Ah, Locust Walk. The highway of University City. Traffic can be a nightmare, but luckily, you’re from the city that never sleeps. Here are some tips for making it to DRL in a breeze while never letting anyone near you forget your heritage.


Johnny Forgets Lucky Pen and All Knowledge at Home

"That’s the pen I used to ace the SATs!"


It’s Okay Bob, My Archeological Dig Last Summer Couldn’t Find Anything Either

I flew down with a team to the tip of South America to uncover the mysteries of the Argentinosaurs. I was so excited and thought everyone would hail me as a hero for making the discovery that put the whole puzzle together. 


Philanthropy Win! Fraternities Encourage Fitness by Telling Freshman to Take Laps

Want to come party but don’t know Jeff or Matt? Better stretch at the pre-game and get ready to take a lap.


Innovative! Administration Uses Outdated Memes to Engage Students

Administration members are so excited to have stumbled upon this hidden gem of the digital age. Some were generous enough to share some of their thoughts.


Professor with Stand up Comedy Ambitions Tests Material on Captive Class

Much of his material is based on class topics, which is hard for an audience that hasn’t done the reading since syllabus week. The rest mostly revolves around his children, married life, a little bit of politics, and nineteenth century ventriloquism.


Mom, Can You Pick Me Up? There’s No Alcohol at This Party

I thought it was just going to be a fun relaxed night of binge drinking, but instead they found old video games in the basement, and now the night seems like it’s going to be really wholesome. 


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