Adam First


Articles

Holiday Advice: Bring up Politics to Avoid Talking about Your Grades

For both, no one knows how it got this bad and there isn’t really much that can be done to fix it now.


Verdict Is In: No Way to Look Cool Carrying an &Pizza Box

There are a variety of techniques you can use to transport your &Pizza box to its final destination. Each method comes with its own pros and cons — none will be cool.


Entire Class Turns on TA After Professor Mistakenly Leaves During Exam

DRL Lecture Hall A3 recently went from learning-field to battlefield. As a midterm for Astronomy 533 was well underway, Professor Henry Glack made the critical mistake of leaving the room in the middle of the exam.


Study Finds DRL Bathroom Has Higher Attendance Than Lecture Hall

In a recent study, David Rittenhouse Laboratories was reported to have the highest (hand) foot (and mouth) traffic of any academic building.


Shocking: Degrees in the Humanities Have Plummeted in the Past Decade as Desire for Money Skyrockets

Although many professors are confident this is only temporary, the change has already affected many aspects of the University and is expected to have larger consequences. The old book and tweed jacket industries have begun to see downward trends.


Kid Trying to Leave Group Conversation Says 'Alright' 4 Times

According to eyewitness reports, Joseph Sockless (W '19) abruptly started sentences with “alright…” four separate times last night while attempting to leave a group of friends in order to lie in bed restlessly for hours.


OP-ED: Forget 'Hell Week,' It's Just a Hell Semester at This Point

How does one identify a hell week if... uhhh... they’re all are kind of terrible?


Help Wanted: Counterparts Desperately in Need of Instrument Manager

The urgent listing comes after the group was forced to sing on multiple occasions in performance without any additional musical instruments.


That Kid Who Always Leaves 20 Minutes into Lecture? Here’s Where He’s Going

A thorough investigation of Moore was recently conducted, following him on a few of his outings in order to finally discover his whereabouts.


Sophomore Girl Changes from Pajamas into Her 'Going Out' Sweatpants

Someone call Tim Gunn!


University Follows Penn Students’ Abbreviation Obsession: Purple Replaces Red and Blue as Official School Color

Reaction to the change has been mixed. Much of the outcry has come from alumni who had just bought red and blue apparel for their two-month-old children.


Math 508 Midterm Literally Just Getting Crushed by a Falling Anvil

With midterm season in full swing, many Penn professors are looking for innovative ways to make things more interesting for themselves.


OP-ED: It’s Not Penn Face, I Genuinely Enjoy Taking 7 Classes, Being on the Executive Board of 18 Clubs, and Applying to 97 Internships

I really couldn’t imagine myself being any happier here at Penn. I’m so lucky to be in a place that not only allows me to excel academically, but also elevate and find more new interests and passions than my peers!


Smart! Put Completed Tasks on To-Do Lists So You Finally Have Something to Cross Off

Looking for the hit of dopamine that comes with the strikethrough of a daunting assignment without doing any additional work? 


SHS to Begin Offering Vaccine for 'Freshman Plague'

Inspired by the recent record turnout for free flu shots, Student Health Services has begun offering vaccines for those who have come down with the “Freshman Plague.”


Shocking! Gutmann’s 'Second Year Experience' Created After Secret Collusion With Bed Bath & Beyond

When President Gutmann announced that all sophomores will be required to live on campus beginning in 2021, the reaction could not have been more positive.


Improv-Comedy Group 'Without a Net' Finally Gets Funding for a Net

Penn’s improv group "Without a Net" might soon be needing a new name, as they have finally received the funds necessary for their very own net.


Small Talk About Fall Break Only Acceptable Until Sunday

Mark your calendars for October 14th! Aside from being National Dessert Day, this Sunday marks the last day you’re allowed to make small talk with people about fall break.


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