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Adam First


Articles

Junior Waits an Hour for P Sweater, Realizes She Only Knows Two Members of Her Class

Lucky for everyone, two measly hours is more than enough time to find and categorize sweaters for over 2000 individuals.


OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late, but Hey I Brought a Small Sandwich Just for Me

Sorry to anyone who doesn't enjoy the smell of chipotle mayo.


OP-ED: Forget Princeton, Gimme a Duck Fartmouth Shirt

Why was our rival selected without the letter swapping motif in mind in the first place? 


New College House West Construction Heats Up: Building Starts to Blush

New College House West construction is starting to really pick up steam, with all of the equipment beginning to fire on all cylinders. 


BREAKING: Law Students More Persuasive Than Design Students

“We were completely blindsided… that the law students actually made something happen,” said one design student who asked to remain anonymous. “We figured the administration would never listen to any backlash, but I guess all those yet to be lawyers did their yet to be lawyer thing.”


OP-ED: The Adults in this Class Should Have to Take the Midterm too

Why should Harold, who yes may have retired from a full-time job and just wants to learn art history for fun, be deprived of that stress formed community as well?


All of the Places on Campus You Can Get a Milkshake in Secret

The recent closure of Bobby’s Burger Palace has left many students perplexed with a complex issue. Where can they go to drown their weekly sorrows in large, chilled, probably overpriced milkshakes? Students of the “Penn Students Who Love or Appreciate Milkshakes and Other Ice Cream Based Beverages Social Group,” otherwise known as PSWLOAMAOICBBSG for short, no longer feel that their passion can be shared in the open anymore.


I Pointed a Fan at High Rise Field to Give It a Taste of Its Own Medicine

My fan might be small, but my wind-fueled hatred towards you and everything you stand for is immense.


Anti-Social Shoppers Brawl over CVS Self-Checkout Lanes

Battle cries are screeched at top volume, such as “This. Is. CVSS!!!” or “If you have your extra care card please scan it now!!!” 


Class of 2026 Excited to be First Customers at Steve's Prince of Steaks

The leading theory is that they’re playing a game of restaurant hide and seek so they keep the lights off so no one can see them. 


Freshman Used the Fisher-Bennett Elevator, but He Wasn’t Going to 4

Eye-witnesses were shocked as to what they saw, and even the elevator has gone on record to ask “really dude? It’s just one flight.” 


OP-ED: Let’s End the Stigma of Handing in an Exam with Your Backpack On

Do you think that by not showing an underpaid TA that you have belongings and a heart and a soul that your grade will automatically be boosted?


One More Ceremony Until Gutmann Gets Dedication Bingo!

This isn’t a solo bingo game either: Gutmann has some steep competition to go up against. Martha E. Pollack of Cornell and Peter Salovey at Yale are both in on the action. Whoever completes their respective card first gets an all-new 2003 Kia Sorento. 


OP-ED: Phew at Least We’re Showing up Late Together

Oh hey! Are you also heading over to class now? Sweet me too. I was worried I was going to be late, but you’re here too.


How a Slight Nod and Penn Maintenance Shirt Got Me into Castle

I can honestly report that Castle parties really aren’t that great — people just asked me if I could unclog the upstairs bathroom drain.


Meet Stan, the Sophomore Determined to Photobomb Every Date Night Picture

 Here he is at the Maclay family reunion last September. 


Signing into a High Rise? Please Have Your Penn Card and a Blood Sample out and Ready

Has your guest every been to Six Flags Magic Mountain? That makes a difference in which tiny piece of paper I give them to put in a basket literally seven feet away. Oh wait, it’s a Tuesday before 2pm? Then I’m going to need your mother’s maiden name as well.  


Report: Entire Free World Apparently Taking Geology This Semester

DRL A4 looks less like a lecture hall, and more like a Black Friday sale at Walmart.


Top 10 Most Hilariously Dumb Penn Course Reviews

Not sure what classes you should take next semester? UTB and your peers have you got covered by revealing the brutal truth behind some of Penn's most popular courses.


OP-ED: Hey Remember Me? I’m Your Dad’s Business Friend’s Son! We Should Have Lunch Sometime!

My dad emailed your dad that I was coming here, and he said I should text you. 


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