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Adam First


Articles

One More Ceremony Until Gutmann Gets Dedication Bingo!

This isn’t a solo bingo game either: Gutmann has some steep competition to go up against. Martha E. Pollack of Cornell and Peter Salovey at Yale are both in on the action. Whoever completes their respective card first gets an all-new 2003 Kia Sorento. 


OP-ED: Phew at Least We’re Showing up Late Together

Oh hey! Are you also heading over to class now? Sweet me too. I was worried I was going to be late, but you’re here too.


How a Slight Nod and Penn Maintenance Shirt Got Me into Castle

I can honestly report that Castle parties really aren’t that great — people just asked me if I could unclog the upstairs bathroom drain.


Meet Stan, the Sophomore Determined to Photobomb Every Date Night Picture

 Here he is at the Maclay family reunion last September. 


Signing into a High Rise? Please Have Your Penn Card and a Blood Sample out and Ready

Has your guest every been to Six Flags Magic Mountain? That makes a difference in which tiny piece of paper I give them to put in a basket literally seven feet away. Oh wait, it’s a Tuesday before 2pm? Then I’m going to need your mother’s maiden name as well.  


Report: Entire Free World Apparently Taking Geology This Semester

DRL A4 looks less like a lecture hall, and more like a Black Friday sale at Walmart.


Top 10 Most Hilariously Dumb Penn Course Reviews

Not sure what classes you should take next semester? UTB and your peers have you got covered by revealing the brutal truth behind some of Penn's most popular courses.


OP-ED: Hey Remember Me? I’m Your Dad’s Business Friend’s Son! We Should Have Lunch Sometime!

My dad emailed your dad that I was coming here, and he said I should text you. 


Strap in Folks: Kelsey Needs to Tell You About the Dream She had Last Night

But your arm was broken so I said we should get you some chocolate milk right away, but the gas station was out. Then we had to go to Hershey Park to get some, but all of the brown cows were on vacation in Vegas.


&pizza Has a New Box Design, and I’ll Admit it: I’m Excited

Greg, the HR intern, thought the box looked good, and off it went to printing!


Intern Sees His Shadow, Six More Weeks of Summer

Luckily, the noticing of his shadow coincided with Intern Day at his summer gig. Every year on Intern Day, the mayor comes in to mentor the new batch of interns, while hopefully not dropping them in the process. 


Student Living at Home Schedules House Meeting After Roommates Come Home Drunk from Aunt Linda’s Again

“Really you two?? I thought you raised me to never act like this,” said Samantha. 


OP-ED: How Long Is the Drop Period for This Internship?

I just want to know how long I have to keep exploring my options, even though yeah, I know I interned here last summer too.


Professor Totally Forgot About Course Evaluations, Just Brought Donuts for No Reason

Make sure to take an extra donut as you type, and remember that I also brought in Pop Ems too. 


Residential Services Tries to Sublet Entire Quad for Summer

Looking to sublet a spacious, castle-like structure with definitely, at least, some bedrooms from late May — very early August.


Soundworks Tap Factory Really Bad at Hide and Seek

In an attempt to branch out and engage new members, Soundworks Tap Factory has been experimenting with new activities. 


OP-ED: If My Professor Didn’t Want Me to Fall Asleep, Then Why’d He Turn off All the Lights?

It can’t possibly be my fault I fell asleep during your class. The air was warm, the chairs were comfortable, and the room was literally pitch black.


OP-ED: I May Not Give A’s, but I Do Give High Fives

Instead of actually making the course more challenging, I’ve just decided to eliminate the letter A from my repertoire.


Sasha’s Allergies to Blame for Not Having Class Outside

Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 


Anti-Social Junior Blames Rain for His Lack of Dartying

Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.


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