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Adam First


Articles

Zoinks! Airpods Already Out of Battery

Despite leaving them in her charging case for thirty-four minutes prior, her milky white listening devices have failed her. 


PSA: You Should Probably Wash Your Towel Now

I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but the time has come for you to take that towel and put it on the floor to be washed a month from now when you get to it. 


A Message From the Provost: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here

It’s closing time. Like Fresh Grocer or Bobby’s Burgers, time to get gone people.


OP-ED: Caution, Bus is Turning

Caution, bus is turning. Yes, this bus. Turning now. Right now. 


OP-ED: Thanks Handshake, How’d You Know I’m Dying to Be an Ice Sculptor?

So when I logged in and saw that Handshake was proposing Ice Sculptor as a potential career path for me, I knew I had to hear my best friend out.


Can You Guess the Campus Building Based on My Bad Drawing of It?

See if you can identify each of these campus structures based on my fine arts degree worthy drawing of it. Slide the slider back and forth over each picture to reveal the answer!


Senior Denied AI Internship by AI Interviewer

He thought he had nailed the interview, only to receive a short rejection response just .32 seconds after hanging up through Skype. 


Professor Submits Final Grades Late, Now HE Loses Half a Letter Grade

Well, well, well, would you look at that: it’s syllabus policy revenge time.


Junior Waits an Hour for P Sweater, Realizes She Only Knows Two Members of Her Class

Lucky for everyone, two measly hours is more than enough time to find and categorize sweaters for over 2000 individuals.


OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late, but Hey I Brought a Small Sandwich Just for Me

Sorry to anyone who doesn't enjoy the smell of chipotle mayo.


OP-ED: Forget Princeton, Gimme a Duck Fartmouth Shirt

Why was our rival selected without the letter swapping motif in mind in the first place? 


New College House West Construction Heats Up: Building Starts to Blush

New College House West construction is starting to really pick up steam, with all of the equipment beginning to fire on all cylinders. 


BREAKING: Law Students More Persuasive Than Design Students

“We were completely blindsided… that the law students actually made something happen,” said one design student who asked to remain anonymous. “We figured the administration would never listen to any backlash, but I guess all those yet to be lawyers did their yet to be lawyer thing.”


OP-ED: The Adults in this Class Should Have to Take the Midterm too

Why should Harold, who yes may have retired from a full-time job and just wants to learn art history for fun, be deprived of that stress formed community as well?


All of the Places on Campus You Can Get a Milkshake in Secret

The recent closure of Bobby’s Burger Palace has left many students perplexed with a complex issue. Where can they go to drown their weekly sorrows in large, chilled, probably overpriced milkshakes? Students of the “Penn Students Who Love or Appreciate Milkshakes and Other Ice Cream Based Beverages Social Group,” otherwise known as PSWLOAMAOICBBSG for short, no longer feel that their passion can be shared in the open anymore.


I Pointed a Fan at High Rise Field to Give It a Taste of Its Own Medicine

My fan might be small, but my wind-fueled hatred towards you and everything you stand for is immense.


Anti-Social Shoppers Brawl over CVS Self-Checkout Lanes

Battle cries are screeched at top volume, such as “This. Is. CVSS!!!” or “If you have your extra care card please scan it now!!!” 


Class of 2026 Excited to be First Customers at Steve's Prince of Steaks

The leading theory is that they’re playing a game of restaurant hide and seek so they keep the lights off so no one can see them. 


Freshman Used the Fisher-Bennett Elevator, but He Wasn’t Going to 4

Eye-witnesses were shocked as to what they saw, and even the elevator has gone on record to ask “really dude? It’s just one flight.” 


OP-ED: Let’s End the Stigma of Handing in an Exam with Your Backpack On

Do you think that by not showing an underpaid TA that you have belongings and a heart and a soul that your grade will automatically be boosted?


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