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Adam First


OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late I Couldn’t Find the Zoom Link

Hey I’m so sorry can you resend me the zoom link for today? Ugh, I know, I don’t know why I keep losing it. 

Adult Auditors Still Awaiting New Housing Assignments Too, Guys

While rising seniors are struggling with the uncertainty, Penn’s star-studded squad of super super seniors is taking it even harder. 

With Finals Over, Josh Looking Forward to More of the Same

With his usual summer activities on hold, Josh continues to spend much of his time sitting on the floor of his childhood bedroom with his laptop in his lap and a slight sadness on his face. 

Excerpts From My Quarantine Dream Journal With Zero Context

Why write down real, accurate, historical things that have actually happened when you can record the funny things your brain makes up at night?

Zoinks! Airpods Already Out of Battery

Despite leaving them in her charging case for thirty-four minutes prior, her milky white listening devices have failed her. 

PSA: You Should Probably Wash Your Towel Now

I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but the time has come for you to take that towel and put it on the floor to be washed a month from now when you get to it. 

A Message From the Provost: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here

It’s closing time. Like Fresh Grocer or Bobby’s Burgers, time to get gone people.

OP-ED: Caution, Bus is Turning

Caution, bus is turning. Yes, this bus. Turning now. Right now. 

OP-ED: Thanks Handshake, How’d You Know I’m Dying to Be an Ice Sculptor?

So when I logged in and saw that Handshake was proposing Ice Sculptor as a potential career path for me, I knew I had to hear my best friend out.

Can You Guess the Campus Building Based on My Bad Drawing of It?

See if you can identify each of these campus structures based on my fine arts degree worthy drawing of it. Slide the slider back and forth over each picture to reveal the answer!

Senior Denied AI Internship by AI Interviewer

He thought he had nailed the interview, only to receive a short rejection response just .32 seconds after hanging up through Skype. 

Professor Submits Final Grades Late, Now HE Loses Half a Letter Grade

Well, well, well, would you look at that: it’s syllabus policy revenge time.

Junior Waits an Hour for P Sweater, Realizes She Only Knows Two Members of Her Class

Lucky for everyone, two measly hours is more than enough time to find and categorize sweaters for over 2000 individuals.

OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late, but Hey I Brought a Small Sandwich Just for Me

Sorry to anyone who doesn't enjoy the smell of chipotle mayo.

OP-ED: Forget Princeton, Gimme a Duck Fartmouth Shirt

Why was our rival selected without the letter swapping motif in mind in the first place? 

New College House West Construction Heats Up: Building Starts to Blush

New College House West construction is starting to really pick up steam, with all of the equipment beginning to fire on all cylinders. 

BREAKING: Law Students More Persuasive Than Design Students

“We were completely blindsided… that the law students actually made something happen,” said one design student who asked to remain anonymous. “We figured the administration would never listen to any backlash, but I guess all those yet to be lawyers did their yet to be lawyer thing.”

OP-ED: The Adults in this Class Should Have to Take the Midterm too

Why should Harold, who yes may have retired from a full-time job and just wants to learn art history for fun, be deprived of that stress formed community as well?

All of the Places on Campus You Can Get a Milkshake in Secret

The recent closure of Bobby’s Burger Palace has left many students perplexed with a complex issue. Where can they go to drown their weekly sorrows in large, chilled, probably overpriced milkshakes? Students of the “Penn Students Who Love or Appreciate Milkshakes and Other Ice Cream Based Beverages Social Group,” otherwise known as PSWLOAMAOICBBSG for short, no longer feel that their passion can be shared in the open anymore.

I Pointed a Fan at High Rise Field to Give It a Taste of Its Own Medicine

My fan might be small, but my wind-fueled hatred towards you and everything you stand for is immense.