Adam First


Mom, Can You Pick Me Up? There’s No Alcohol at This Party

I thought it was just going to be a fun relaxed night of binge drinking, but instead they found old video games in the basement, and now the night seems like it’s going to be really wholesome. 

Student Who Focuses Best in the Shower Ruins Laptop

While Campos can no longer enjoy her showers due to the traumatic incident, her laptop is definitely enjoying its bath in a large bowl of rice. 

Architecture Major Disappointed She Doesn't Feel Like Ted Mosby Yet

Victoria Rivers was so inspired when Ted Mosby became the youngest person to ever design a skyscraper in NYC that she declared her major right after the episode aired.

Amazon Prime Takes Over all Big-Little Week Deliveries

Sorry fraternity pledges, but your startup is about to go under.

Bookstore Flooding Ruins 3 Textbooks, Causes $2 Million in Damages

While the two recently refurbished escalators are reported safe and sound, the store is not without its damages. Witnesses say that the flooding really wasn’t too severe, but the damage is irreparable. 

Quad Freshman with Girlfriend in NCH Finally Understands Long Distance

When he found out his girlfriend lived in New College House, it suddenly felt as through their entire relationship had been put in jeopardy. Yet Rohde, being the optimist that his high school year book superlative said he was, knew he could make the best of the situation. 

Your Rush Guide to Fraternity House Architecture

Once inside, a fraternity house’s visual experience typically includes at least three pieces of taxidermy, and enough platforms to make the entire floor one large elevated surface.

Bookstore Escalators Return from Semester Abroad

The decision was made to send them to Milan so the two escalators could improve their world view, as thirty-sixth and Walnut is the only home they’ve known.

You're a Mean One, Mr. CITsender

You're as slimy as snake, I see your name and shriek, Mr. CITsender

Holiday Advice: Bring up Politics to Avoid Talking about Your Grades

For both, no one knows how it got this bad and there isn’t really much that can be done to fix it now.

Verdict Is In: No Way to Look Cool Carrying an &Pizza Box

There are a variety of techniques you can use to transport your &Pizza box to its final destination. Each method comes with its own pros and cons — none will be cool.

Entire Class Turns on TA After Professor Mistakenly Leaves During Exam

DRL Lecture Hall A3 recently went from learning-field to battlefield. As a midterm for Astronomy 533 was well underway, Professor Henry Glack made the critical mistake of leaving the room in the middle of the exam.

Study Finds DRL Bathroom Has Higher Attendance Than Lecture Hall

In a recent study, David Rittenhouse Laboratories was reported to have the highest (hand) foot (and mouth) traffic of any academic building.

Shocking: Degrees in the Humanities Have Plummeted in the Past Decade as Desire for Money Skyrockets

Although many professors are confident this is only temporary, the change has already affected many aspects of the University and is expected to have larger consequences. The old book and tweed jacket industries have begun to see downward trends.

Kid Trying to Leave Group Conversation Says 'Alright' 4 Times

According to eyewitness reports, Joseph Sockless (W '19) abruptly started sentences with “alright…” four separate times last night while attempting to leave a group of friends in order to lie in bed restlessly for hours.

OP-ED: Forget 'Hell Week,' It's Just a Hell Semester at This Point

How does one identify a hell week if... uhhh... they’re all are kind of terrible?

Help Wanted: Counterparts Desperately in Need of Instrument Manager

The urgent listing comes after the group was forced to sing on multiple occasions in performance without any additional musical instruments.

That Kid Who Always Leaves 20 Minutes into Lecture? Here’s Where He’s Going

A thorough investigation of Moore was recently conducted, following him on a few of his outings in order to finally discover his whereabouts.

Sophomore Girl Changes from Pajamas into Her 'Going Out' Sweatpants

Someone call Tim Gunn!

University Follows Penn Students’ Abbreviation Obsession: Purple Replaces Red and Blue as Official School Color

Reaction to the change has been mixed. Much of the outcry has come from alumni who had just bought red and blue apparel for their two-month-old children.