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Adam First


Articles

OP-ED: I May Not Give A’s, but I Do Give High Fives

Instead of actually making the course more challenging, I’ve just decided to eliminate the letter A from my repertoire.


Sasha’s Allergies to Blame for Not Having Class Outside

Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 


Anti-Social Junior Blames Rain for His Lack of Dartying

Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.


All Penn Landscaping Decisions Reduced to What Flowers Will Bloom for Quaker Days

The most popular species thus far have been the Growius Fastia, the Comehere Pleas, and the Weare Better Thanyale.


Pennsylvania Lawmakers Propose Ban on Single Use Fling Tanks

Why do you want to waste your money on a tank top with a Penn club pun that has a slightly inappropriate twist to it?


March Madness Win: This Mechanical Engineer Had the Best Bracket

He’s previously competed in a desk building competition, so Hader has had to pick brackets before. Last year, he put all his money on the Everbuilt Zinc Plated 1 ½” Bracket, but that one lost it all during the strength test. 


OP-ED: I Totally Know Who Miguel Is, but I’m Asking to Make Sure You Know…

Oh wow, so Miguel is gonna be playing at Fling. That’s awesome..right? Is it good or not good?


How to Walk down Locust so Everyone Knows You’re from New York

Ah, Locust Walk. The highway of University City. Traffic can be a nightmare, but luckily, you’re from the city that never sleeps. Here are some tips for making it to DRL in a breeze while never letting anyone near you forget your heritage.


Johnny Forgets Lucky Pen and All Knowledge at Home

"That’s the pen I used to ace the SATs!"


It’s Okay Bob, My Archeological Dig Last Summer Couldn’t Find Anything Either

I flew down with a team to the tip of South America to uncover the mysteries of the Argentinosaurs. I was so excited and thought everyone would hail me as a hero for making the discovery that put the whole puzzle together. 


Philanthropy Win! Fraternities Encourage Fitness by Telling Freshman to Take Laps

Want to come party but don’t know Jeff or Matt? Better stretch at the pre-game and get ready to take a lap.


Innovative! Administration Uses Outdated Memes to Engage Students

Administration members are so excited to have stumbled upon this hidden gem of the digital age. Some were generous enough to share some of their thoughts.


Professor with Stand up Comedy Ambitions Tests Material on Captive Class

Much of his material is based on class topics, which is hard for an audience that hasn’t done the reading since syllabus week. The rest mostly revolves around his children, married life, a little bit of politics, and nineteenth century ventriloquism.


Mom, Can You Pick Me Up? There’s No Alcohol at This Party

I thought it was just going to be a fun relaxed night of binge drinking, but instead they found old video games in the basement, and now the night seems like it’s going to be really wholesome. 


Student Who Focuses Best in the Shower Ruins Laptop

While Campos can no longer enjoy her showers due to the traumatic incident, her laptop is definitely enjoying its bath in a large bowl of rice. 


Architecture Major Disappointed She Doesn't Feel Like Ted Mosby Yet

Victoria Rivers was so inspired when Ted Mosby became the youngest person to ever design a skyscraper in NYC that she declared her major right after the episode aired.


Amazon Prime Takes Over all Big-Little Week Deliveries

Sorry fraternity pledges, but your startup is about to go under.


Bookstore Flooding Ruins 3 Textbooks, Causes $2 Million in Damages

While the two recently refurbished escalators are reported safe and sound, the store is not without its damages. Witnesses say that the flooding really wasn’t too severe, but the damage is irreparable. 


Quad Freshman with Girlfriend in NCH Finally Understands Long Distance

When he found out his girlfriend lived in New College House, it suddenly felt as through their entire relationship had been put in jeopardy. Yet Rohde, being the optimist that his high school year book superlative said he was, knew he could make the best of the situation. 


Your Rush Guide to Fraternity House Architecture

Once inside, a fraternity house’s visual experience typically includes at least three pieces of taxidermy, and enough platforms to make the entire floor one large elevated surface.


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