OP-ED: I’m Old, Here’s My Advice
You want some advice from an old guy like me?
Kenn Kweder Announced Spring Fling Headliner
The neighborhood legend is making his big-stage debut April 17th at Penn Park.
Iran Announces New AI-yatollah, Nation’s First Chatbot Supreme Leader
The leadership change comes after weeks of deadly United States strikes on Iranian leadership.
Man With High Body Count Hoping Girlfriend is a Virgin
After viscerally describing his last sexual experience with a girl whose name he can’t remember, Rothstein simply sighed and smiled. “You know, there’s just something especially sacred about being with someone who has only been with you.”
OP-ED: In Times Like These, Van Pelt Needs A New Masturbator
If you, dear reader, are the potential third Masturbator; I urge you, please, cum forth.
Magic Bush Found at Magic Gardens
Have you ever seen a bush? A full fledged, magical, flourishing bush. Well, I have. And I saw it at Magic Gardens.
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Other News
Flo Rida Facing Backlash for Plans to Sing ‘My House’ On Indigenous Land
Protests are expected at the Spring Fling celebration where Rida intends to make his statement. Needless to say, it will be ‘Going Down for Real’ this Saturday.
Everybody Else Thinks Your Class is Easy
(they all told me).
Op-Ed: Why I Won't Be Rolling This Magic Gardens
Truth is, I felt so odd rolling. Even greater truth is that rolling is the worst style of dancing, and meth is funner anyway.
Weather Report: Witches Shall Melt and Flowers Prosper
As the witches walk through the rain, the water will seep into the soles of their suede ballet flats — only after ruining the softness of the material forever.
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing
University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”
Ivana Asiedu
Thursday, Feb. 12, 2026Thu, Feb 12, 2026
Featured Articles
Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core
At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
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