Kristi Noem Mistakes Pardoned Turkey for Dog, Shoots it
Butterball’s death marks the first pardoned Turkey fatality since the tradition’s advent in 1963, under the Kennedy Administration.
That Guy Who Invited You to His Frat Date Night is The One
In heels, you discover that the two of you are the same height. You also share a penchant for Pink Whitney and men.
Andreana Lee
Saturday, Nov. 22, 2025Sat, Nov 22, 2025
Roadrunner, Risk-Taker, Entrepreneur, and Other Ways to Tell Your Family You Dropped Out This Thanksgiving
Here are six impressive sounding roles you can drop at the table that Granny and Gramps are definitely not going to question.
Jason Fang
Friday, Nov. 21, 2025Fri, Nov 21, 2025
Musings From a Quaker Meeting in Philadelphia
Can I have a wooder?
Salutations! I’m Banning Wasians From Penn
Don’t hate me. I’ll ask if they’ll make an exception for you, you beautiful Wasian. I don’t know if they will but I’ll do everything in my power to ask just for you.
Couple That Has Already Been Inside Each Other Nervous for First Date
Having seen each other naked last Saturday, the two students are terrified of what the other might think now that both their clothes will be on.
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Other News
10 Things I Would be Grateful For if I Had Them
1. Dining room table in my apartment Where have my roommates and I been eating dinner, you ask? The couch. 2. Clean couch in my apartment I like to play this game where I focus on a new square foot of the couch every day and imagine what might’ve stained it. The answer is always food.
BREAKING: Brave Girl Goes for Seconds at Buffet During Speaker Event
Can't blame a girl for being hungry, especially when she only had an iced latte for lunch.
Penn Announces Wasian Studies Major
The major’s inaugural class would matriculate in Fall 2027, with students taking courses such as “MUSC 4673: Traditional Wasian Music from Laufey to Olivia Rodrigo” and “COMM 0180: How To Announce That You’re Wasian Without Being Annoying About It.”
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Local Student Attempts To Steal From Pret; Gets CHASED Over Bridge And Spanked
The student was found staggering across High Rise field, muttering "I must not steal, I must not steal."
Featured Articles
Penn Establishes Office of Inspection of the Office of Ethnic Inclusion of Non-Members of the Antisemitism Office that Aren’t in the Other Task Force
The Good News Is Here. Join the Task Forces.
Penn’s New Regulations Regarding On-Campus Protest: Scary Larry Given License to Kill
Interim President Jameson has announced he is done fucking around and is now strapped.
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