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Leaked! Diet Coke Found As the Main Ingredient in COVID Vaccine

(04/14/21 2:50am)

Coca Cola has done it again people! The delicious, yet highly addicting brand has leaked that Diet Coke was found to be the main ingredient in all 3 brands of the Covid-19 vaccine. While many have raised concerns in the past about the dangers of soda and the aspartame in Diet Coke, finally it feels good to tell them to suck my fucking cock. 


Amy Gutmann Caught Stealing Spit From COVID-19 Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

(04/12/21 6:04pm)

Not rich enough! Amy Gutmann is determined to make the pandemic an opportunity to start her side hustle. After noticing parents want smart babies so much that Ivy League students get paid more to donate sperm, she began her startup market research. Ever wonder why Penn changed from nasal to spit tests? At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from COVID-19 tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies. Mixing and matching desired features, parents can choose from a list of premade babies or design their own! With her policy that anyone can buy a baby with little to no background checks, her business has been soaring. She has cloned over 3,000 babies from the DNA in COVID-19 tests but tries to avoid cloning anyone with a GPA below 3.6. She guarantees winners only!


Amy Gutmann Caught Red Handed Stealing Spit From COVID Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

(04/13/21 2:39pm)

Not rich enough! Amy Gutmann is determined to make the pandemic an opportunity to start her side hustle. After noticing parents want smart babies so much that Ivy League students get paid more to donate sperm, she began her start up market research. Ever wonder why Penn changed from nasal to spit tests? At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from Covid tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies. Mixing and matching desired features, parents can choose from a list of premade babies or design their own! With her policy that anyone can buy a baby with little to no background checks, her business has been soaring. She has cloned over 3,000 babies from the DNA in Covid tests, but tries to avoid cloning anyone with a GPA below 3.6. She guarantees winners only!


Relaxing! Professor Wishes Students a Refreshing Engagement Day as He Replaces Lecture With Quiz

(04/06/21 4:45am)

During the pandemic, many professors have tried to be more understanding for their students, many of whom have been struggling with Zoom fatigue and burnout. Professor Rosenth is one of the many professors who wishes his students the best, especially with the Tuesday engagement day. He so strongly emphasizes the importance of mental health during the pandemic, even mentioning it in his syllabus right above his zero-tolerance late policy and no partial credit grading policy. 




Zoom Releases “Anti Pin,” to Hide the Ugly Motherfucker With Their Camera on in Lecture

(03/31/21 4:08am)

Zoom has finally released the one feature we have all been dying for, “Anti-Pin.” For some reason, it always seems like the one stuck up bitch you hate is the only person in your class with their camera on. You get to watch them basically the whole class with no way to hide them from your screen. Some have gotten so desperate they have to use a post it note to cover the ugliness up. Does the bitch keep their camera on just to ruin your day? 


Student Who Hasn’t Eaten in 30 Minutes Hands Back Jolly Rancher Blue Spit Test

(03/18/21 2:01am)

Jacob promises he has not had anything to eat or drink in the 30 minutes before his COVID-19 spit test. Nope, not even one thing. Anyone who would say otherwise is a lying little weasel and is falsely accusing him of an offense he did not commit. Jacob would never do something that could dilute the test and make it faulty. How his spit test came back the exact same shade as a blue raspberry Jolly Rancher is beyond him. Perhaps someone put dye in it when he wasn’t looking? He promises he was framed! Jacob doesn’t even eat Jolly Ranchers.



Let’s Make One Thing Clear: Girls Like Bad Boys, And Bad Boys Break the Campus Compact

(03/04/21 5:34pm)

It’s a tale as old as time, girls hate the nice guy and fuck the bad boy. The nice guy sits at home with his little “pod,” trying to protect his grandmother and people he doesn’t even know? The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy. Do you want to get drunk alone and have phone sex over Zoom? I don’t think so. Girls want the baddie with the Red Pass because let’s face it, red is known for being the most seductive color anyway. Do they have loss of appetite and a new rash on their toes or fingers? Frankly, that’s none of your business anyway.



Lonely? Buy Another Plant You Depressed Son of a Bitch

(02/25/21 5:59pm)

 Many students have felt alone this pandemic, but some students have found a cure for the isolated feelings in their heart. Instead of having real human interactions, many students have bought plants. “Succulents don’t break your heart like that bitch Alice does,” says beginner plant enthusiast Tyler. Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.” 


Fraternity Brother Tells Contact Tracer COVID Transmissible Through Zoom Lecture

(03/30/21 6:37pm)

Greek life has been falsely accused for the high Corona rates at Penn time and time again. Several of the frats on campus performed a study connecting virtual Zoom classes with transmission of the virus, not their in person events. The frats were sick and tired of the administration blaming them for “behaving irresponsibly” and they were determined to use their Ivy League minds to push the blame onto someone else. 


Breaking! Campus Just as Lonely and Boring as Staying Home

(02/17/21 3:21am)

 Students flocked to campus a month ago, eager for a new year and all that campus had to offer. They were so excited to experience the joy and happiness that has eluded them for the past few months. They could not wait to change their surroundings, only to find themselves shocked that the loneliness followed them all the way to Philadelphia. If this pandemic is apparently global does that mean they can never escape their boredom? Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours. The problem has to be Penn. 


People Cheer as Cocky February Birthdays Are Finally Taken Down by Corona

(02/16/21 2:26am)

February birthdays faked empathy last year as March and April birthdays were ruined by the pandemic, but let’s face it, they didn’t really care. They were honestly relieved that they didn’t need to do anything for their other friend’s birthdays besides shoot them a text. Campus was empty and now they didn’t need to share their alcohol with the pandemic birthday boy. But how did that work out for them in the long run huh?


Wendell Pritchett Not Mad, Just Disappointed

(02/11/21 5:00am)

 After sending both the text and email scolding the students of Penn for the recent Covid breaks, Wendell came to tuck the students in for the night. As he sat at the edge of their bed he told them that he wasn’t actually mad at them, just disappointed. He knew that they were bright, good kids but that he expected more from them. The students explained how hard the past year has been, and how they no longer wished to have consequences for their actions. Wendell knew that they were just misguided rugrats that needed a little love and support to stop them from killing the innocent people in West Philly. 


Instagram to Add Warning Before Any Happy Couple Post

(02/11/21 5:00am)

Trigger warnings can be helpful when you just don’t want to deal with the shittiness of reality. From disturbing news videos to naked women, warnings protect young children and adults approaching their wits' end. Finally Instagram has decided to warn us about the horrors of that 19-year-old Catholic high school couple that got engaged by adding trigger warnings before the post. The warning text reads “Happy couple alert! They might be kissing, holding hands, or proposing. Are you sure you’re mentally stable enough to feel the weight of your own loneliness?” Now instead of facing the reality that you haven’t felt another human touch since 2018, you can simply bottle your emotions! It’s a trick that white, WASP-y families have mastered centuries ago. 



Whew! Now Penn Students Don't Have to Pretend to Be Embarrassed By President's Connection to University

(02/01/21 5:52am)

Penn students collectively breathe a sigh of relief as the new Biden administration settles into office. Gone are the days of having to sheepishly admit, “Yes Trump technically did graduate from Penn.” Students no longer have to even soften the blow by talking about how Trump cheated his way into being admitted. While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.  





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