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SPONSORED: Class Board 2026 Offering Free Professional Backshots in ARB This Saturday

(02/02/24 10:34pm)

If you missed out on getting your picture taken last weekend, you’re in luck! Due to popular demand, the Penn 2026 Class Board is organizing another round of free professional backshots this Saturday. Whether it’s for Linkedin, or a job application, getting your back blown out is always a good idea! Backshots are first-come, first-serve from 2-4pm. Edgers will not be tolerated.

Clem-In-Time: The Smashed Week-Old Cutie at the Bottom of My Backpack Just Saved Me From Spending $5 on a Slice of Coffee Cake

(01/30/24 6:42pm)

I leave the house and I think to myself, “Did I get everything?” Underwear? Check. Laptop? Backpack heavy, so check. Emotional baggage? Check. Notebook so that I seem respectful in my humanities classes? Check. Keys? *jingle* check. iPhone? I don’t know. Airpods? I don’t know. Uh oh. Oh wait, Steve Inskeep just made a political joke that made me feel sophisticated for understanding in my ear. I must have both somewhere on my person. Check, Wallet? Check. All of the cognitive labor I must undergo before leaving my home for good is complete. And now you may wonder, “Where to?” Well, a cafe, of course. I have limitless amounts of reading to do and what better way to complete it than to spend half an hour walking to the cafe, spend $4 on a cortado, and eavesdrop on other people’s conversations. I can’t think of any other way!

Marc Rowan Lifts Baby Bird From Ground in His Hand, Crushes It

(01/29/24 8:31pm)

Famously lauded Freedom, Liberation and Jewry Champion Marc Rowan is on a new mission after eliminating Liz Magill the Wicked Hegemon of Bigotry and Evilness. Now, at a unique moment of learning for UPenn, Rowan has stepped in to guide the university to a new beautiful truth. Away with any vestiges of the ancient regime like DEI, wussiness, or the Gender Studies department! Now for fresh, bold ventures such as the creation of the Apollo Global Management Department where students can develop important business skills in destroying mean old ladies who love Palestine.

Is This the Cultural Diaspora? I Experience Loss and Confusion After Acme Moves Ethnic Food Section

(01/28/24 3:58pm)

I rely on Acme to satiate my ethnic needs and wants. While I will lecture you about the virtues of Trader Joe’s (it’s from California, the snacks are tik-tokable, and the frozen food is just healthier), I concede that Trader Ming just doesn’t cut it. To the “Steamed Pork & Ginger Soup Dumplings,” I say “xiao long bao,” “I’m kosher,” and a polite “no thank you.” To the cashier, I say, “debit,” “I brought my own bags,” “I sure am lucky to have bought a pack of the ever scarce hashbrowns,” and “yeah, I go between shrimp, salmon, and tofu for dinner.” I make sure to smile at the cashier who has been hired on the basis of how well their appearance aligns with the Trader Joe’s milieu. But what this cargo pant-sporting, air fryer-using, average Joe doesn’t know is that I’ve already reserved a spot in the Acme self-checkout line with my old friend Lee Kum Kee Sauce Chili Garlic - 8 Oz and if I’m feeling spicy white, I mean wasian (I’m wasian), maybe even S&B Chili Oil with Crunchy Garlic, 3.9 Ounce. 

“Oi Mate, I’m Also From Manchester” Says Freshman Rushing Castle From Cleveland

(12/08/23 3:06pm)

As students danced and sang along to Bad Habits [Meduza EDM Remix] last Saturday night, some took mimicking Sheeran’s accent too far. “Oi mate, I’m also from Manchester,” said Eric Trillo, a freshman actually from Cleveland. “I just love being an international student!” continued the Rust Belt student.

Hope Is Not Yet Lost: My Professor Tells Me I Definitely Haven’t Found My Genius Yet

(12/04/23 3:23pm)

It’s junior year and I haven’t passed the line yet. You may ask, “What is ‘the line'?” Great question, my compadre. This is a euphemism for my lamentable condition as a student on academic probation. I reached this sorry state or rather, I haven’t come out of this state, because I’ve never passed a class before. Now you understand, I’m basically an academic failure. “Resubmit,” “rethink,” “come in for office hours,” “do me a special favor” are all commonplace in my inbox and submission comments. I’ve started to call Canvas grade notifications UPENN QUARTER LIFE CRISIS ALERTS. I’m numb to being at the end of the whisker on the box-and-whisker plot. They’re all 10s to me. If the wealthy donors think Magill is a failure, they should meet me. I’ve been looking into alternative paths. Perhaps Oxford is my calling. I was just about ready to apply for an accelerated BA/PhD program when I received a most inspiring message from my RELS 0100: Descent into Hell professor.