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It’s club recruiting season, and unfortunately this thing we call 'Under the Button' is just another Penn club at the end of the day. As UTB writer (and dear friend of mine) Fred McFack sent out emails, posted on LinkedIn, and spread word via discord servers that we are actively seeking new members, he couldn’t help but feel a tinge of shame. “Am I even funny?” he thought to himself as he posted a grumpy cat recruitment meme in a slack channel that was clearly unreceptive to such silliness. The answer is yes, Mike, you are. And we’re sorry for ever letting you doubt yourself. That article about FFP was other-worldly. The word poignant comes to mind. Do you know what that means? It means you are special. And you deserve to spread your gift with others, even if that means violating the unspoken rules of the Huntsman student listserv.
My GSWS 0106 “What Happened on January 6th and Why That Should Make You Vegan” professor calls herself “woke.” Her shoes are not just made from faux leather, they’re made from recycled plastic and are therefore vegan. Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy. She is the preeminent “vegan teacher.” An archetypical enlightened woman.
With halal prices now at $10, boomers have come out in force to make young Penn students keenly aware that the price used to be $5.
Human remains and the Penn Museum go hand in hand. Historically, the museum sourced these from multiple avenues. Grave robbing being the most admirable. Penn students have benefitted since the advent of anthropology from the Penn Museum's generous endowment of body parts. However, during the summer of 2020, the Penn Museum’s board learned about this thing called “racism.” The feeling of guilt was insatiable and had never been felt before, so they did the right thing. Or started to. Or said that they would. Or made a committee to? It’s unclear. The main point is that they say they were going to repatriate the human remains of the Morton Cranial Collection, so there’s a new need for objects to study.
新年快乐! Gone are the days of white rulers –woman and twink alike– leading with an iron fist, and here are the days of diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI). At UTB (Under The Button), we value diversity and pride ourselves on the inclusion of many; therefore, we have all unequivocally and collectively and unanimously decided to appoint the one and only Liwa Sun as our editoress-in-chief; we quite literally had our first meeting of the semester on the first day of the Chinese New Year under said Chinese authority, isn't that beautiful? We understand that this may be a time of adjustment for our readers, and we are here to support you – but, you shall revel in the age of Chinese hegemony whether you like it or not. Please read this statement (modeled after Penn’s very own!) released by all of UTB’s white members regarding their solidarity, efforts, and how they’re “sitting [their] white asses down and listening”:
Last week, the United States House Oversight and Accountability Committee sent a letter to University of Pennsylvania President Liz Magill requesting information on any and all students living in campus dorms of Chinese descent or with “foreign-sounding last names in general.” The letter, signed by committee Chairman Rep. James Comer (R-Ky.), alleges that the University received “millions of dollars from anonymous Chinese sources” after the foundation of the Penn Biden Center and continues to provide “material support” to the Communist Party of China by “allowing Asians” on campus. The letter, merely the latest development in a string of ongoing crises regarding disputed ties between the People’s Republic of China and the Biden Center, comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.
Amid the highly virulent flu season, Penn administration has established a new approach to combat illness on campus. What started as a heated debate between the benefits of acupuncture, reiki healing and Ayurvedic herbs has reached its final conclusion. The SHS main location at 3535 Market Street will be populated with a different kind of specialist. The ultimate kind.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — ¡Ay, caramba! As students ease into their semesters after flocking back to campus from their winter break endeavors like shaking buttfuck ass in the Swiss mountains, a new sustainability initiative awaits them. Amid questions and concerns raised about the city’s standards of health policy due to temporary shutdowns of ACME and United By Blue in the University City section of Philadelphia, a new investigation cracks down on its latest criminal: the University of Pennsylvania’s underground storefront, La Plancha. Conducted during the students’ absence during winter break, numerous tests have yielded results that La Plancha’s “crowd favorite” guacamole tested a shocking 96% compatibility rate with alkali-saponificated sodium stearate. To the common man, that is soap.
Double life can be rough. Long nights, early mornings, bedtime sexual tensions — it gets pretty overwhelming. College sophomore Chase Norelk couldn’t take it much longer. The other night, his roommate fell asleep on the floor after chugging so many whippets that his heart temporarily stopped. The night before that, his roommate was up until 3 AM with the light on doing his finance homework. That circle block just wouldn’t fit into the square hole. He started thinking it was time for a new place.
The other day I was talking to my therapist about self-confidence. We’ve been working on this for a long time, and together we’ve done a great job. She’s entered my psyche, unraveled my problems, and knit them into a beautiful scarf of self-love and personal pride. That’s not to say that I haven’t also been working very hard on developing myself.
Recently, I’ve been thinking. Strange, right? Thinking. Pondering. Wondering. What else is there to do these days? No, seriously, what else is there to do these days?
Less is more.
Joining a sorority can seem like one of the most important decisions you will make during your time in college. Your friends might think that it dictates where they are situated in the social fabric, that it shapes who is a part of their world, that it cements how they will be perceived by all.
Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((. ?
Mild fascination abounded in a campus dorm room this evening as local Chinese couple Liu Jiayi (C ‘25) and Tommy Wang (W ‘25) discovered that their familial lines descended from the neighboring provinces of Luōdé Dǎo (Rhode Island) and Kāngnièdígé (Connecticut). “Wait, what dialect do you speak at home?” asked Liu. “Western New England English,” Wang replied to her relative amazement. “That’s so cool!” she responded.
I sat, shirtless, enthralled by the TV, with a paste consisting of ice cream residue, Cheez-it crumbs, and donut glaze forming in that little dip at the bottom of my sternum. Maybe it’s called my chest cavity? Not sure, but if I were to stick my finger in the paste it would have probably covered about one-half of my fingernail. Hope that conveys what I mean.
“Ah, these sure are different times,” I sigh to myself, “I can’t compliment women anymore, but at least I have ChatGPT. This handy little gizmo just printed my syllabus faster than any little TA or flirty secretary could have.” Queue five page syllabus ejected from Canon Pixma MG3620. “Encanto! My students will never know their homely, old professor still has it in him. I, too, can take a selfie.”
When I got into Penn I was like, “sick.” Now I can major in Economics and work in tech or consulting and make more money than my parents and be a chad. But when I got here, after taking CIS110 and ECON001 and looking around me, I knew something was wrong: there were way too many dorks. Nobody was “doing satire” or “being ironic” or “wearing cool clothes.” This one guy did kind of have a Mark Zuckerberg in the Social Network thing going on, with the sandals and baggy shorts in the winter on his way to absolutely destroy the midterm curve, but even then he didn’t totally click with me.
A local writing seminar was left in shock last Tuesday after hearing an intranational student introduce himself during an icebreaker. Arthur Hayward (C ‘26), who originally hails from the distant city of Newark, New Jersey, stunned his classmates as he expounded upon his name, major, and one (1) fun fact in impeccable Standard American English.