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Photo Essay: A Tour of Penn's Campus with Coin for Scale

(09/08/23 10:40pm)

As the common app deadline approaches, incoming students may be looking for a reason to choose Penn. Out of all the reasons to select a college to attend, the relative size of buildings and objects on campus is by far the most important to consider. For those who did not get to visit campus before making their decision, fear not! Here is a tour of Penn's campus, with coin for scale. I sincerely apologize for my lack of gel manicure, this photo essay was spontaneous, as best things in life usually are.

Red, Blue…Too Many Colors! Incoming Freshman Doesn’t Know Whether to Throw Up Crip or Blood

(04/25/23 4:39pm)

August 27th, 2022. NSO. Me and the loose collection of gentlemen I found in a Quad lounge enter Commons for the first time. The food smells delicious. We feel a profound thankfulness for the privilege of dining here for the next nine months. Taking our seats, we discuss our ratio for the evening. Is it better to go to a party with thirteen guys and zero girls or thirteen guys and one girl? At least you can pass off the first option as a guys’ night, right? The second is just an admission of complete and utter failure.

Fuck Summer Internships, I Want to Be Remembered for My Art

(04/18/23 10:17pm)

I hate to say it, but this preprofessional environment is really starting to get to me. I sit here scrolling through LinkedIn, looking at these suckers posting their corporate internships for biotech startups and some sort of finance thingy. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here skipping the John Smith Interlude of the new Lana Del Rey album because that’s the sort of priorities I have. Should I be trying something different?

Faking Interest, 第四个

(04/17/23 7:08pm)

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome! If you have any issues that require our assistance, fret not and submit your questions here.

“Hey, Sorry. I Was Kind of Walking Here” and Other Passive Phrases to Prevent Getting Run Over

(04/13/23 9:08pm)

As a shy girl who consistently correlates her naive courteousness with having “southern charm,” I have mastered the art of avoiding catastrophe while remaining composed and kind. It is difficult to remain this way though in Philadelphia where the people move quickly and the vehicles move even quicker. Some may say the drivers are reckless but I say the pedestrian is equally complacent in crosswalk accidents. There is no reason to be aggressive when trying to communicate with impeding drivers. Here are some passive alternatives that are equally effective in preventing collisions:

New Survey Finds Penn Students Chill AF, Move Different, Smoke That Chronic

(08/31/23 7:50pm)

Years after the folks over at Pew Research Center undertook their greatest task of the century, the team has released their findings. After nearly two decades of painstaking "vibe assessment," lead researcher Dr. John Crawford has declared Penn "the chillest spot in the naish" ("naish" short for nation, that is). The study cites many factors, focusing primarily on students' "lowkey energy" and the campus's "sneaky sesh spots." Penn students were reportedly elated by the news, but not too excited to the point where it was weird or lame. 

If 1 in 5 People in the World Are Actually Chinese, Why Do I Still Have No Ethnic Friends?

(08/31/23 7:50pm)

I would have voted for Obama in 2008 if I was of age. And probably again in 2012. My former cousin is gay. I can tolerate sushi. I am a progressive. I am committed to diversity, through and through. They say that 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. But if that’s true, why do I still have no ethnic friends?

Help! I'm Trapped in the Recursive Windows of Path@Penn!

(08/31/23 7:49pm)

 It has been a week since I’ve logged onto Path@Penn, and I have not gotten out since. A week ago, all I wanted to do was see if a class could fit into my schedule. Indeed it did, and I registered for the class. But that was when my problems started. Now, a week later, I am still  trapped inside the never ending recursive, side-sliding windows of Path@Penn. 

Accepted Class of 2027 Worried There Is Less Recess Time at College

(04/10/23 11:21pm)

April means that a lucky batch of 2,400 seventeen-year-olds and a few degenerate twenty-odd-year-olds will commit to attending Penn this fall as part of the class of 2027. In President Liz Magill's words, this is set to be one of Penn's most diverse classes, with students from 49 states and 5 countries. 

I'm Done With These Halal Food Trucks, Point Me To The Haram Ones

(03/27/23 5:00pm)

I am writing this a day before the holy month of Ramadan, and although this article may be untimely, I shall tackle a rather important issue we have here at Penn. Far too many days have gone by with me overhearing “I’m gonna get halal” or being asked “Should we get halal for lunch” or straight up being asked “Could I get chicken over rice with only white sauce” (the last statement being made by crackers who can’t handle the ‘red’ sauce and somehow think I’m a halal food truck worker). Anyways, I pose two important questions here: