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OP-ED: I Had Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease During the 2019 Football Outbreak. Here's Why Last Semester Should Be P/F Too

(04/11/20 5:41pm)

The current pandemic has forced Penn's administration to take drastic action — from kicking students off campus to uprooting our entire educational system. Despite conflicting opinions on the best action Penn could have taken, there's one thing we can all agree on: Penn is taking COVID-19 seriously and responding with haste.

On-Campus SHS Location Will Replace Bobby's Burger Palace

(02/21/20 5:00am)

Following years of student complaints, the Penn Administration has decided to prioritize students' accessibility to healthcare by opening an on-campus SHS location. According to a statement released on Monday, the powers that be "have decided that the departure of Bobby's Burgers from campus is a well-timed catalyst for the university to implement an extensive plan for improving student wellness."

Letting Go of Your Forced Roommate Friendship Now that You Have Real Friends: A Freshman's Guide

(02/09/20 4:41pm)

Your domicile dude got you through NSO and kept your cold little heart beating for the beginning of winter, but you finally got initiated into the one club you got into last semester, and you finally have some real friends to call your own. Here are some tips for scraping off the roommate barnacle cramping your style now that you're done pretending you have anything in common.

New Record: 3 People at This Performing Arts Show Know None of the Performers

(12/08/19 8:25pm)

In an amazing turn of events, Penn's premier postmodern co-ed sketch improv drama orchestral ensemble, PennEMOTE, broke a school record during its fall show last weekend. Security staff at the Iron Gate Theater confirmed that three attendees of the show were neither friends nor family members of any of the show's participants.

Watch Out, Philly Parents! Penn Students Are Hiding Toxic Pre-Professionalism in Halloween Candy This Year

(10/29/19 2:04pm)

Halloween can be a hard time to keep your squirmy little monsters safe. Every year, Philadelphia parents already have to worry about their children falling into cavernous potholes, getting lost while looking for 35th street, or sneaking out dressed as "Gritty" in nothing but a fur jockstrap and a hockey helmet. 

Undergraduate Assembly Continues to Create Noticeable, Positive Change

(10/25/19 5:51pm)

After a characteristically spirited and highly publicized round of elections this Fall, Undergraduate Assembly is in session for the 2019-2020 school year. Already, the student body has demonstrated its appreciation for and consciousness of the role of a strong, centralized government. As an homage to the powerful and informed voice of the people in our school's democratic republic, UTB took to the streets to ask about the impact UA has had on student life:

Dean Furda Skims Google Form Responses During Class-of-2024 Delibs

(10/15/19 3:58pm)

This weekend, during the monthly Admissions Office GBM, ardent Eagles fan and Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda supposedly led the search for Penn's best and brightest new students. However, sources on the inside report that "nobody really reads the applications since we switched from the Common App to a Google Survey link, including Furda. He came in 40 minutes late with a Coke Zero and then requested permission to view the doc via email, so we know for a fact he hadn't opened it."

Quiz: Is She Ghosting You, or Is She in the Monk Class?

(09/15/19 4:29pm)

We've all been there – you met a special new lassie and think everything's going great, but she suddenly seems to have dropped off the face of the Earth. Take this quiz to find out if she's rejecting you with an emotionally devoid tourniquet of silence or if she's actually into you but foregoing technological and verbal communication in the pursuit of deliberate living with her classmates in the monk class.

Cinema Studies Department Cancels Classes in Anticipation of Game of Thrones Aftermath

(04/28/19 7:26pm)

Concerned for campus security and the mental health of its student population, the Cinema Studies department at Penn has preemptively cancelled classes for tomorrow. "So many bitches are going to die, and we need time to deal with that," wrote department head Dr. Zed Shark in his email to students and faculty this morning.