OP-ED: S-S-Sorry I Ha ve a Bad Zo om conn ct on. Can Y He ar Me Now?
(04/15/20 7:32pm)
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In times like this, it's easy to think the world is an ugly place. Luckily, Mother Nature doesn't Agree! With humans cooped up indoors, pollution has decreased, animals are free to roam, and heirloom Quaker oats have even been sprouting through the bricks on Locust Walk.
The current pandemic has forced Penn's administration to take drastic action — from kicking students off campus to uprooting our entire educational system. Despite conflicting opinions on the best action Penn could have taken, there's one thing we can all agree on: Penn is taking COVID-19 seriously and responding with haste.
We're all looking for a little bit of light in this dark chapter of world history. Unfortunately, though, being in close quarters with our loved ones means compromising is more important than ever. Here are five candles in my quarantined childhood home that my parents wouldn't want me to light.
Comfort, choice, and grassroots student activism all experienced wins on campus this week when Penn’s board of trustees conceded some dress code revisions. Starting in the 2020-2021 school year, Penn will allow students to wear leggings and tank tops on campus.
Looking to be more inclusive towards lactose-tolerant customers, the baristas of William's Café are instituting a new policy next week: the cafe will no longer place a surcharge on cow's milk.
A few weekends ago, the brothers of Sigma Epsilon Chi disrupted Penn’s party scene during their mixer with Phi Omicron Omega. UTB reached out to ΣΕΧ for a comment on what made their party so successful.
Following years of student complaints, the Penn Administration has decided to prioritize students' accessibility to healthcare by opening an on-campus SHS location. According to a statement released on Monday, the powers that be "have decided that the departure of Bobby's Burgers from campus is a well-timed catalyst for the university to implement an extensive plan for improving student wellness."
Your domicile dude got you through NSO and kept your cold little heart beating for the beginning of winter, but you finally got initiated into the one club you got into last semester, and you finally have some real friends to call your own. Here are some tips for scraping off the roommate barnacle cramping your style now that you're done pretending you have anything in common.
In an amazing turn of events, Penn's premier postmodern co-ed sketch improv drama orchestral ensemble, PennEMOTE, broke a school record during its fall show last weekend. Security staff at the Iron Gate Theater confirmed that three attendees of the show were neither friends nor family members of any of the show's participants.
Welcome to Pret, where we have more lines than a Wharton senior at a pregame! If you are paying with Penncard or bursar, please go to the line on the LEFT, right next to the soups and drinks, so you can be glared at for being in the way.
Halloween can be a hard time to keep your squirmy little monsters safe. Every year, Philadelphia parents already have to worry about their children falling into cavernous potholes, getting lost while looking for 35th street, or sneaking out dressed as "Gritty" in nothing but a fur jockstrap and a hockey helmet.
After a characteristically spirited and highly publicized round of elections this Fall, Undergraduate Assembly is in session for the 2019-2020 school year. Already, the student body has demonstrated its appreciation for and consciousness of the role of a strong, centralized government. As an homage to the powerful and informed voice of the people in our school's democratic republic, UTB took to the streets to ask about the impact UA has had on student life:
This weekend, during the monthly Admissions Office GBM, ardent Eagles fan and Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda supposedly led the search for Penn's best and brightest new students. However, sources on the inside report that "nobody really reads the applications since we switched from the Common App to a Google Survey link, including Furda. He came in 40 minutes late with a Coke Zero and then requested permission to view the doc via email, so we know for a fact he hadn't opened it."
On March 6th, Grace Qi (C '21) ordered a chipotle chicken torta with a side of chips and guacamole from Frontera. For the last seven months, she has been waiting for her order on the ground floor of Arch Cafe. For over half a year, she has subsisted solely on chip crumbs and rats she managed to capture from the Frontera kitchen area.
As midterms season approaches, superstitious freshmen are more diligent than ever in their evasion of the compass. Unfortunately, spotted lanternflies have recognized this trend and are using it to further their agenda for survival, reproduction, and ecological destruction.
We've all been there – you met a special new lassie and think everything's going great, but she suddenly seems to have dropped off the face of the Earth. Take this quiz to find out if she's rejecting you with an emotionally devoid tourniquet of silence or if she's actually into you but foregoing technological and verbal communication in the pursuit of deliberate living with her classmates in the monk class.
Ah, academia! As the new school year dawns, honor theory and demonstrate your intellectual supremacy by freeing yourself from the confines of linear thought.
Concerned for campus security and the mental health of its student population, the Cinema Studies department at Penn has preemptively cancelled classes for tomorrow. "So many bitches are going to die, and we need time to deal with that," wrote department head Dr. Zed Shark in his email to students and faculty this morning.
Wow that's so great about your thesis. I'm so glad you finished after like ten months — that must have been so hard. One down, 94 to go!