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OP-ED: If You Need Me, I'll Be In Clark Park On Tranquilizers Playing Chess

(11/30/20 6:07am)

Hi there! Just wanted to let you know that I probably won’t be super responsive to texts or emails this week. Why, you might ask? Totally valid question! See, I recently watched the Netflix program “The Queen’s Gambit” and realized approximately 18 minutes in that the quality of my life would improve drastically if I were to take several steps: 

Irresponsible at Penn Stopped Because Everyone Is Responsible Now

(11/18/20 9:52pm)

Great news, Quakers! The Instagram account "Irresponsible at Penn," created in order to shed light on students who are partying during a pandemic, has officially gone two months without a single post! That's right folks — two whole months with not a single house party, gathering, throw-down, date night, or intimate get-together. Obviously, due to the inactivity of the account, the only plausible assumption is that all irresponsible behavior at Penn has ceased. Win! 

"Make Sure You Vote Today," Says Professor Holding Class on Election Day

(11/03/20 7:01pm)

Cognitive dissonance? Dr. Perez, who teaches PSCI 150 (The Electoral Process) ended his class on Election Day by imploring his students to make time to vote. Although there is just a thirteen hour window to cast your ballot in one of the most contentious elections our country has seen, Dr. Perez felt strongly that three of these hours should be spent listening to him talk. 

Professor Who Says This Is Gonna Be A "Very Different Semester" To Assign The Exact Same Amount of Work

(09/16/20 2:10pm)

Professor Campbell, who teaches PHIL 007 (Morality and Ethics), understands. He understands that the world is "upside down" right now. That the pandemic and virtual learning are making it increasingly difficult for students to do their schoolwork. That there's a civil rights movement happening. That we could be heading into the next Great Depression. And he understands that because of all these factors, classes are going to be very, very different this semester

Awkward! Penn Football Games to Show No Change in Attendance Despite Canceled Season

(07/12/20 12:11pm)

The Ivy League has recently announced that it will cancel all sports for the fall semester. Under the Button has run the numbers and concluded that this move will have absolutely no effect on the attendance rates at football games, which statistically, has been 0. Our projection shows that even when you factor in every game being canceled due to the global pandemic, there will be exactly the same amount of students not showing up as there were in previous years.

OP-ED: It's Insensitive To Call It A "Good" Friday

(04/11/20 5:48pm)

It's come to my attention that people are still referring to it as "Good Friday." Look, I'm just gonna say  what we're all thinking: it's not Good. Nothing right now is Good. Today isn't Good, yesterday wasn't Good and tomorrow won't be Good. Frankly, it's naive and insensitive to refer to this Friday as Good. We're in the midst of a global pandemic. Have you noticed that? There's a virus going around and we're quarantined? I get the need for a sense of normalcy but seriously. Call it what it is: Another Bad Quarantined Friday, where you will inevitably spend the day scrolling through your phone, dreaming of human contact. Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.