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Hi there! Just wanted to let you know that I probably won’t be super responsive to texts or emails this week. Why, you might ask? Totally valid question! See, I recently watched the Netflix program “The Queen’s Gambit” and realized approximately 18 minutes in that the quality of my life would improve drastically if I were to take several steps:
Great news, Quakers! The Instagram account "Irresponsible at Penn," created in order to shed light on students who are partying during a pandemic, has officially gone two months without a single post! That's right folks — two whole months with not a single house party, gathering, throw-down, date night, or intimate get-together. Obviously, due to the inactivity of the account, the only plausible assumption is that all irresponsible behavior at Penn has ceased. Win!
Cognitive dissonance? Dr. Perez, who teaches PSCI 150 (The Electoral Process) ended his class on Election Day by imploring his students to make time to vote. Although there is just a thirteen hour window to cast your ballot in one of the most contentious elections our country has seen, Dr. Perez felt strongly that three of these hours should be spent listening to him talk.
Breaking news: Emily, from the hit Netflix program "Emily in Paris," has been reported to no longer be in Paris. The UTB investigative team has spotted her in her home city, Chicago, running along the river in a puffy jacket despite it being 65 degrees out.
Hey! You! Yeah, you. You seem pretty down. I get it--things are really stressful. So, to help out, I compiled a list of the very best Trader Joe's autumnal products that will curb your feelings of impending doom.
Brooke O'Harra is reportedly joining Chris Wallace in a moderator support group after doing a Q&A with John Mulaney for a SPEC event last night.
Yikes! Looks like Emily Castaway (N ‘22) won’t be voting in the 2020 election. Despite being a self-proclaimed “activist” and posting about voting on her Instagram story almost daily, Emily is not registered to vote in any state.
Breaking news! Amy Gutmann and the Board of Trustees has decided that since Penn's campus buildings are empty, they will be beginning a series of construction projects. And what's their first project you ask? A third Pret in Huntsman Hall!
Slack. If you go to Penn, you probably use it. A platform to consolidate work-related conversations, Slack is the main way many organizations on campus communicate with their members.
After moderating the first Presidential Debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump, Chris Wallace reports that he finally understands what women must feel like when they try to make a point in a male-dominated discussion.
My identity is being erased.
Impressive! This Student Is Fulfilling Their Language Requirement By Talking Shit About Their Housemate
Professor Campbell, who teaches PHIL 007 (Morality and Ethics), understands. He understands that the world is "upside down" right now. That the pandemic and virtual learning are making it increasingly difficult for students to do their schoolwork. That there's a civil rights movement happening. That we could be heading into the next Great Depression. And he understands that because of all these factors, classes are going to be very, very different this semester
In an extremely unfortunate misunderstanding, freshman Talia Hirschell (C ’24) spent the first two weeks of the “online shopping” period attending none of her classes, instead choosing to browse her favorite sites and buy what she calls “her best purchase yet.”
In a move that surprised almost no one, Penn has officially cancelled the Fall 2020 semester. The decision reportedly comes after Amy Gutmann watched the news and learned that the coronavirus hadn't just "sorta gone away."
The Ivy League has recently announced that it will cancel all sports for the fall semester. Under the Button has run the numbers and concluded that this move will have absolutely no effect on the attendance rates at football games, which statistically, has been 0. Our projection shows that even when you factor in every game being canceled due to the global pandemic, there will be exactly the same amount of students not showing up as there were in previous years.
Oh no! Reports show Genevieve Davenport (C ‘23) “literally can’t take quarantine a single second longer,” says reporters from her childhood mansion in Greenwich, CT. “I’m 100% done with this,” says Genevieve, whose family is in the 1%.
It's come to my attention that people are still referring to it as "Good Friday." Look, I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking: it's not Good. Nothing right now is Good. Today isn't Good, yesterday wasn't Good and tomorrow won't be Good. Frankly, it's naive and insensitive to refer to this Friday as Good. We're in the midst of a global pandemic. Have you noticed that? There's a virus going around and we're quarantined? I get the need for a sense of normalcy but seriously. Call it what it is: Another Bad Quarantined Friday, where you will inevitably spend the day scrolling through your phone, dreaming of human contact. Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.
Good news! Amy Gutman's office has decided that commencement will be held in person. One small caveat: every attendee must be inside of a giant hamster ball so no one comes in contact with one another. Most human-sized hamster balls have a 2-meter diameter, so you'll always be following CDC guidelines!
Reports have surfaced that Wharton senior Chad Martindale isn’t absolutely enraged about Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie being selected as the commencement speaker for graduation this year. “Yeah, when I heard she was a feminist, I definitely rolled my eyes,” Chad said, shrugging his shoulders, “but I didn’t threaten to boycott the ceremony." He’s so progressive!