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Breaking: Girl Who Has Her Dad’s Card on Her Uber Account Venmo Requests You for Last Night

(01/31/24 7:45pm)

“Last night was sooo fun! Can you just Venmo me $11.50 for the Uber there and back? Thaks, you’re the best!” This was the message that two Penn students woke up to on Sunday morning. The messages would have gone unquestioned if it weren’t for a tip UTB received that day from undergraduate Allison White, who split an Uber ride with the said Venmo requester, Beth Roberts. Both Allison, Beth, and Beth’s little split an Uber to Kappa Lambda Lambda’s Late Night for Late Stage Dementia at a South Street club on Saturday night. In an exclusive interview, Allison reported that Beth bragged the past week about how her father’s card is on her Venmo account.

Report: I Still Could Have Gotten Into Penn Even If I Wasn’t Legacy

(02/02/24 12:27am)

PHILADELPHIA, PA — A new report released this morning from my chauffeur, James, suggests that I could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania even if my parents weren’t Penn alumni. The study was commissioned on my daily drive from The Chestnut to Pottruck after I asked James if I would ever live up to my parents’ legacy or if I would be yet another washed-up nepo baby, wandering driftlessly through life with lots of money but no purpose. “Of course, sir,” the report begins. “Even if your father hadn’t donated enough money to get that small reading room in Stouffer-Mayer named after you, I am perfectly confident you could have gotten into the University on your own merits.” 

SPONSORED: Class Board 2026 Offering Free Professional Backshots in ARB This Saturday

(02/02/24 10:34pm)

If you missed out on getting your picture taken last weekend, you’re in luck! Due to popular demand, the Penn 2026 Class Board is organizing another round of free professional backshots this Saturday. Whether it’s for Linkedin, or a job application, getting your back blown out is always a good idea! Backshots are first-come, first-serve from 2-4pm. Edgers will not be tolerated.

Clem-In-Time: The Smashed Week-Old Cutie at the Bottom of My Backpack Just Saved Me From Spending $5 on a Slice of Coffee Cake

(01/30/24 6:42pm)

I leave the house and I think to myself, “Did I get everything?” Underwear? Check. Laptop? Backpack heavy, so check. Emotional baggage? Check. Notebook so that I seem respectful in my humanities classes? Check. Keys? *jingle* check. iPhone? I don’t know. Airpods? I don’t know. Uh oh. Oh wait, Steve Inskeep just made a political joke that made me feel sophisticated for understanding in my ear. I must have both somewhere on my person. Check, Wallet? Check. All of the cognitive labor I must undergo before leaving my home for good is complete. And now you may wonder, “Where to?” Well, a cafe, of course. I have limitless amounts of reading to do and what better way to complete it than to spend half an hour walking to the cafe, spend $4 on a cortado, and eavesdrop on other people’s conversations. I can’t think of any other way!

Marc Rowan Lifts Baby Bird From Ground in His Hand, Crushes It

(01/29/24 8:31pm)

Famously lauded Freedom, Liberation and Jewry Champion Marc Rowan is on a new mission after eliminating Liz Magill the Wicked Hegemon of Bigotry and Evilness. Now, at a unique moment of learning for UPenn, Rowan has stepped in to guide the university to a new beautiful truth. Away with any vestiges of the ancient regime like DEI, wussiness, or the Gender Studies department! Now for fresh, bold ventures such as the creation of the Apollo Global Management Department where students can develop important business skills in destroying mean old ladies who love Palestine.

Is This the Cultural Diaspora? I Experience Loss and Confusion After Acme Moves Ethnic Food Section

(01/28/24 3:58pm)

I rely on Acme to satiate my ethnic needs and wants. While I will lecture you about the virtues of Trader Joe’s (it’s from California, the snacks are tik-tokable, and the frozen food is just healthier), I concede that Trader Ming just doesn’t cut it. To the “Steamed Pork & Ginger Soup Dumplings,” I say “xiao long bao,” “I’m kosher,” and a polite “no thank you.” To the cashier, I say, “debit,” “I brought my own bags,” “I sure am lucky to have bought a pack of the ever scarce hashbrowns,” and “yeah, I go between shrimp, salmon, and tofu for dinner.” I make sure to smile at the cashier who has been hired on the basis of how well their appearance aligns with the Trader Joe’s milieu. But what this cargo pant-sporting, air fryer-using, average Joe doesn’t know is that I’ve already reserved a spot in the Acme self-checkout line with my old friend Lee Kum Kee Sauce Chili Garlic - 8 Oz and if I’m feeling spicy white, I mean wasian (I’m wasian), maybe even S&B Chili Oil with Crunchy Garlic, 3.9 Ounce.