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Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies.
We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!
In life, there are many difficult decisions we all must make, such as which grandparent to take off life support, which child to save at Auschwitz, and whether to use penne or spaghetti with pesto sauce.
The University of Pennsylvania has struck again! Under the guise of the “Quiet Period,” a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation.
Dear Under the Button readers,
This Christmas season, Trump has announced that he will be gifting his children coal for the holiday in an effort to support the mining industry.
Students unite!! It is time to call on Penn to end its discriminatory actions towards illiterate students.
Dear Juniors,
We’ve all been there, fallen in love with a forbidden SoundCloud artist. But how do we break the news to our parents? I’m here to say that I survived that conversation with my mother. For all of you out there in the same situation, here’s how I told her:
Partisan differences between Democrats and Republicans have slowed down the process for passing a second stimulus package. President-elect Joe Biden announced his plans for a stimulus package upon him taking office in January that he hopes will get the American economy back on track. However, in a move that has political pundits questioning his literacy, President Trump announced his strategy for a Stimulants Package.
Ah, the holidays! The perfect time of year to drink hot cocoa and discuss the systemic problems facing America with your conservative family members. However, we know that Republicans are not always willing to have an open and critical dialogue about the state of our country. I mean, if someone believes the continent of Australia is a liberal hoax then it’s probably going to be difficult to change their mind on almost any political topic, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try!
So, you fat whore, you didn’t get chosen to be pardoned this year. Weren’t pretty enough? Fat enough? Didn’t have a large enough wattle to impress Mr. President? Does that make you sad, bitch? Make you want to cry to your mommy, you fuck up? Well, you can’t! Because I ate her last year for Thanksgiving, and she was delicious. Served with sides of mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts that you could just die for -- but don’t worry, your time is coming.
Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Sorry to keep you waiting. I was just at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Beautiful venue. Beautiful women.
With the presidential victory of Joe Biden over Incumbent Donald Trump, leftists, feminists, homos, comrades, lovers, smokers, and teachers in cities across the country took to the streets to celebrate the historic moment. To commemorate, everyone in unison participated in a collective sigh of relief. However, this phenomenon had an extraordinary effect that meteorologists haven’t seen since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1989 and the end of the Great Boston Molasses Flood in 1919: all the air leaving people’s lungs at once caused a giant tornado.
Oh, Election Day was yesterday? That’s so awkward. I had literally had no idea. I can’t believe anyone expected me to remember when it was also a national holiday yesterday: Kendall Jenner’s birthday.
Penn recently announced that, upon return to campus in the spring, students will be expected to adhere to a
In case you were not aware, last night was the season finale of the United States: the 2020 General Election. Despite the fact the only candidates on the presidential ballot were Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and Jo Jorgeson, Barack Hussein Obama has won the popular vote and electoral college by a landslide. Barack Hussein Obama has also been elected to almost every congressional seat, in a series of unprecedented victories. (Obama did not win in Alabama, after it was revealed to voters that Barack and Michelle are not, in fact, cousins.)
On October 26th, 2020, Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The conservative judges on the Supreme Court have a strong foothold, hoping to rule on topics such as immigration, LGTBQ+ rights, and abortion. With the addition of Judge Barrett, the Court is expected to declare the constitutionality of a nationwide mask mandate to secure a pro-life agenda.
On a historic day for Penn Students and the West Philadelphia community, Acme Markets premiered its new superstore equipped with robot salad stations, custom cakes, and most importantly, a fifth campus Starbucks. Students have long complained about the lack of fast-casual coffee establishments near campus, as two Pret-A-Mangers, four Starbucks, two Dunkins, United by Blue, and a Saxbys just didn’t cut it.
Hi, um how are you doing? What have you and your um friends been up to? … sorry that’s a stupid question. We’re in a pandemic. Are we friends? Is that weird to ask? It would be nice if we were friends, though. Don’t you think?