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Trump to Pass New Stimulants Package

(12/08/20 6:17am)

Partisan differences between Democrats and Republicans have slowed down the process for passing a second stimulus package. President-elect Joe Biden announced his plans for a stimulus package upon him taking office in January that he hopes will get the American economy back on track. However, in a move that has political pundits questioning his literacy, President Trump announced his strategy for a Stimulants Package. 

A Guide to Dealing with Liberal Relatives Over the Holidays

(11/25/20 6:20am)

Ah, the holidays! The perfect time of year to drink hot cocoa and discuss the systemic problems facing America with your conservative family members. However, we know that Republicans are not always willing to have an open and critical dialogue about the state of our country. I mean, if someone believes the continent of Australia is a liberal hoax then it’s probably going to be difficult to change their mind on almost any political topic, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try! 

You Wish You Were a Fat, Little Turkey Now, Don’t You?

(11/25/20 4:55am)

So, you fat whore, you didn’t get chosen to be pardoned this year. Weren’t pretty enough? Fat enough? Didn’t have a large enough wattle to impress Mr. President? Does that make you sad, bitch? Make you want to cry to your mommy, you fuck up? Well, you can’t! Because I ate her last year for Thanksgiving, and she was delicious. Served with sides of mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts that you could just die for -- but don’t worry, your time is coming. 

Tornado Destroys Philly, Caused By Universal Sigh of Relief

(11/10/20 9:59am)

With the presidential victory of Joe Biden over Incumbent Donald Trump, leftists, feminists, homos, comrades, lovers, smokers, and teachers in cities across the country took to the streets to celebrate the historic moment. To commemorate, everyone in unison participated in a collective sigh of relief. However, this phenomenon had an extraordinary effect that meteorologists haven’t seen since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1989 and the end of the Great Boston Molasses Flood in 1919: all the air leaving people’s lungs at once caused a giant tornado. 

The Results Are In! Obama Won

(11/04/20 4:45am)

In case you were not aware, last night was the season finale of the United States: the 2020 General Election. Despite the fact the only candidates on the presidential ballot were Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and Jo Jorgeson, Barack Hussein Obama has won the popular vote and electoral college by a landslide. Barack Hussein Obama has also been elected to almost every congressional seat, in a series of unprecedented victories. (Obama did not win in Alabama, after it was revealed to voters that Barack and Michelle are not, in fact, cousins.)

Supreme Court Rules Pro-Life: Officially Mandates Masks

(10/28/20 3:53pm)

On October 26th, 2020, Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The conservative judges on the Supreme Court have a strong foothold, hoping to rule on topics such as immigration, LGTBQ+ rights, and abortion. With the addition of Judge Barrett, the Court is expected to declare the constitutionality of a nationwide mask mandate to secure a pro-life agenda.

BREAKING: Acme to Open a Mini Acme Inside the Starbucks in Acme

(10/23/20 3:31pm)

On a historic day for Penn Students and the West Philadelphia community, Acme Markets premiered its new superstore equipped with robot salad stations, custom cakes, and most importantly, a fifth campus Starbucks. Students have long complained about the lack of fast-casual coffee establishments near campus, as two Pret-A-Mangers, four Starbucks, two Dunkins, United by Blue, and a Saxbys just didn’t cut it.