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In an unprecedented display of charity, an anonymous donor has gifted the College of Arts and Sciences a 23-year-old Windows computer—the largest gift in the school’s history.
With the recent announcement of a new line of artisan toasts, fast food giant McDonald's has been recognized as officially completing the gentrification process of University City and its surrounding neighborhoods. The manager of the franchise described the accomplishment as “McGreat for the community.”
Constantly reminding all those in attendance of his impending midterm, Wharton junior Daniel Evans was the star of the pregame last Thursday, dazzling peers with his incredible display of courage, mental fortitude, and clear-cut decision making.
In response to the overwhelming stench which wafted through the hallways of the Towne building during PennApps 2017, this year’s organizers decided to place fully-functional shower booths at each corner of the event space. Surprising to nobody but unfortunate to many, these booths remained empty for the entire weekend.
The days of partially-nude headshots are over. Thanks to a recent LinkedIn update, you can no longer annoy that one friend with a fancy camera to snap 60 identical photos of you outside Huntsman in your best blazer while completely naked from the waist down.
Citing low attendance in years past to mandatory New Student Orientation events, the University announced Monday that all events this year will be held at its hospital’s emergency room. The move is part of an effort to make attending NSO events more convenient for freshmen.
After successfully securing a finance internship for this summer, Wharton sophomore Barry Graham thought the hard part was over. Unfortunately, he soon learned a summer internship came with certain responsibilities, the most basic of which is actually maintaining a full-time position at the company, which, according to Graham, “totally blows.”
With hot sauce dripping down his hands and onto his lap, Engineering sophomore William Morris is beginning to realize that his decision to forgo napkins with his food truck burrito was a big mistake.
Hey, haven’t seen you since graduation, but I hope you don’t mind me sharing this article on your Facebook timeline about the OBAMAS donating $10 MILLION in supplies to ISIS! Have you seen this shit? Some words are in all capital letters so it must be important.
Sending you the link to a sub-1000 view YouTube music video, your one friend with a radio show on the student station is really trying to get you to appreciate an awful song.
Sociology professor Vincent Kramer was having a relatively peaceful day until he received an email from a student regarding advanced registration. The student had addressed the professor as his “advisor,” a term foreign to the faculty member.
Much like many of his peers, Brad Tate (W ’19) cares about social justice. That’s why, at a recent Sixers game, he joined the “Free Meek” chant that broke out late in the third quarter. However, Tate has a secret.
Taking an uncommon stance in the debate over when a developing embryo is considered a living being, the Penn administration officially stated Monday that one is considered alive following a donation to the University of $50 or more.
Furiously scribbling down every point the professor presents, the classmate to your left with the thin, fancy notebook is definitely taking better notes than you.
Cool, your professor just treated the class to a YouTube video that pointlessly repeated the lecture material. But now he has no idea that in five seconds, a new video will play automatically. Watch out!
Just when he thought college life couldn’t get any better, Harold Green (W ’20) was enlightened to the opportunity of a lifetime: travel to a foreign country, spend a week getting drunk on cheap alcohol surrounded by equally-drunk college students, and also be covered in sand from head to toe. Only for the low cost of twelve-hundred dollars.
After waiting anxiously for 30 minutes, checking in periodically to make sure everyone had left, Engineering sophomore Jared Brown finally gathered enough courage to slyly take a slice of pizza left out from the Engineers in Engineering GBM.
In a courageous departure from the cultural norms of a major research institution, History professor and ska-punk enthusiast Jeffrey Adams donned a bright blue graphic T-shirt to class yesterday, solidifying his position as the coolest, chillest, and dopest professor at Penn.
Despite a wide selection of locally-available ingredients, College junior Heather Carrol’s grocery shopping list this week included only the items needed for scrambled eggs. Sources close to Carrol say that this list has not changed in years.
Welcome to my prestigious organization, the Executive Board Club. What sets this club apart is that every member can be on the executive board. Not only can you be on the executive board, but it's mandatory in order to be in the club.