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Has COVID Gone Too Far? Trevor Forced to Wear His "Left at Home" Shirts

Spearman displayed several shirts over Zoom. "I just want you guys to know how bad it is out here on the front lines." Indeed, one shirt asked the viewer to "find x" in the style of an algebra problem, while simultaneously circling the letter "x" in red. Truly horrifying.


OP-ED: Penn Should Let Students Choose Their Own Grade

That girl from your chem class that had to get her eyes rinsed three times this semester? Definitely knows she deserves a B- at best. And for you, the one person in your class that actually gets your work done on time and perfectly crafts every essay and problem set despite being drunk or hungover the entire weekend? The coveted A+, reserved for only the worthiest of students. 


OP-ED: S-S-Sorry I Ha ve a Bad Zo om conn ct on. Can Y He ar Me Now?

My n   ame's Blurr  yface an d I c  are w hat y ou thi    nk


Survey: Help Us Improve the Penn Experience, Again

UTB needs your help yet again to assess the experience of Penn students as we continue to provide refined, high-caliber reading material.


Wow! Penn Really Not Gonna Change to Pass/Fail

Public response to the move was overwhelmingly negative as some students are put at a disadvantage due to lack of resources and others claim, "the stress of having to study is too much for them."


So Sad! This "Quarantine" Thing Is Mildly Inconvenient For Travis :(

Travis is as close to struggling as he has ever been, and he would really like your attention right now.


Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?

You’re horny. Cousin Addie’s horny. Are you two going to help each other out? 


OP-ED: Here’s How Tulsi Can Still Win

Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.


Main Line Girl Who Goes Home Every Weekend 'Starting to Miss Campus'

"On very special occasions, like the birthday of Theresa’s favorite horse, Timothée, her mother might even pick up Theresa and her laundry basket from campus."


Oh No, Teacher Trying to Draw With Trackpad on Virtual Whiteboard

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.


Breaking: Jesus Self-Quarantining, Easter Canceled!

Recently, word came down from on High that Jesus is self-quarantining and there will be no resurrection this year. 


OP-ED: It's Insensitive To Call It A "Good" Friday

Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.


OP-ED: I Had Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease During the 2019 Football Outbreak. Here's Why Last Semester Should Be P/F Too

Luckily, I recovered from hand, foot, and mouth disease — but my GPA never will.


OP-ED: I Shaved a Slit in My Eyebrow Because I’m Doing Super Great and Feeling Super Awesome

This was not a desperate attempt at control — it was just a simple aesthetic choice.


BREAKING: Hundreds of Penn Students Receive Summer Internship Offers From Mom

The roles students will have to fulfill range from Waste and Disposables Technician to the Director of Internet and Gadgets, working directly under the head boss.


Student With Therapy Dog Discovers Xanax to Be Much Simpler Solution

When asked what the main draws of replacing his therapy dog with Xanax were, Schmidt specifically noted how, “Xanax doesn’t shit on your carpet or need to be walked.”


Sick! Noodles Left in Microwave Last Night Probably Still Okay to Eat

Upon further inspection, it was found that Daniel had indeed prepared his noodles not in water but in Skyy. 


OP-ED: My Room is Better Because I Have LEDs

Feeling down? Turn them blue. Want to have a rave in your tiny dorm room, or in search of an epileptic seizure? Click the flash button. Seeking attention because nobody is friends with you? Flash SOS in Morse code. The possibilities are endless.  


Thanks, Zoom: Professor Swinford's Uncomfortable Jokes Now Excruciating

“Alright future chemists, riddle me this: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”


Photo Essay: 5 Candles My Parents Won't Let Me Light (With Reasons)

We're all looking for a little bit of light in this dark chapter of world history.


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