It's Time to Choose.

When polled, students reported being extremely jealous of the student's incredible accomplishment: not the fact that they ran a grueling 13.1 miles straight, but their newfound ability to eat a full pint of Ben & Jerry’s Tonight Dough guilt-free. 

This will give students a staggering thirty extra seconds of exposure to the finest mental health resource out there: artificial LED light.

In girl world, Homecoming (and also the Fourth of July) is the one day a year when girls can wear red, white and blue and no other girls can say anything about it. 

The bad part about someone watching you do hip thrusts is that you’re doing hip thrusts while someone is watching you.

I don't know how I can go on right now. 

I know one thing will always be there for me: my culturally diverse but also culturally sensitive but also culturally accommodating Grommons frozen meal exchange section. 

I had to look up what "poverty" was in the dictionary. I wad appalled when I read the definition. 

I don't think it helped that I was meowing instead of speaking... 

Our endorsement comes at a critical time for democracy. We need to choose progress over stagnation; people over profits; stability over chaos; profits over people; we need to choose [INAUDIBLE MUTTERING] to be the next President of the United States.

Finally I can put several years of elementary school martial arts classes to good use.

If you're going to talk in the quiet car at least make it about something cool like insider trading. 

What happens when they do inevitably write the complete works of Shakespeare?

enjoy <3

“I’m excited to announce…” Translation: “Please validate me.”

We’ll miss you, you crazy kid

Beth from Bainbridge street is so valid.

Oh, woe is me! Boohoo! It’s not that deep, bro. You were only with her for 5 years. Get over it.

I have a tattoo behind my ear and I’m still scared of needles and do you believe in false dichotomies?

Who needs a Penn card when you have a credit card?!!