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Man Playing Devil's Advocate Unaware He Is Devil

“I just feel like we should be listening to ALL worldviews, even the underworld views. Let’s not judge a book by its cover, or a demon by his scales, as I always say.”


Sorority Sister Posts Smiling Date Night Photo Despite Family Being Murdered Minutes Before

“My family did all get murdered, and I didn’t really have a good time dancing or whatever, but at least I got a photo that looked good.” 


OP-ED: Anyone Feel Like Ransacking Arch Tonight?

This time we’ll be sending a message. I’m not sure about what, but I have a few hours to come up with one. Maybe we’ll convince Amy Gutmann to pay the workers a minimum wage or something, I dunno.


Here Is the Midterm Review Without Solutions Because Fuck You

“I don’t have solutions for the packet. I want to prevent cheaters from copying and cheating on this optional, creditless review packet. Have a nice day, and go fuck yourself.”


OP-ED: I Have a Small Cock so I Need a Big Glock

Everyone thinks my arrogant persona indicates that I’m compensating for something, and they’re right. But that is exactly why Penn needs to allow concealed carry on campus. 


Helpful TA Wants to Inform You That "You Look Tired"

Surely, we must thank this valiant hometown hero for reminding Karen that the bags under her eyes could carry all of her textbooks at once.


Editorial | We Don't Need a Trader Joe's Shuttle. We Need a Trader Joe's Private Helicopter.

Additionally, since shuttles increase the congestion on Market Street and cause traffic jams, providing a private helicopter service would be just as, if not more, environmentally friendly than a shuttle. Finally, shuttles are simply uncool, and typically have bullies sitting in the back.


Too Many People Are Part of the Problem in 2020 Political Discourse. Not Me — Here’s Why.

According to a recent study I heard somewhere but can’t totally remember where, a whopping 80% of Americans don’t base their political opinions on facts and opt instead to listen to biased talking heads. When I read this from this person I follow on Twitter, I was shocked.


OP-ED: Being Pretty is Skilled Labor

Being the sole beautiful person in a space — as I often am — brings a pressure few could understand.


Stealing! How to Simultaneously Manage Your Luxury Water Habit and Subversive Political Beliefs

Breathe easy and rest even easier at night because no one is going to doubt your radical politics anymore. 


Voters Should Be Wary of Bernie Sanders: His Name Is an Anagram for 'Nabs Reindeers'

But there's one very compelling argument that voters have not yet considered: Bernie's name can be rearranged to spell "Nabs Reindeers."


Quiz: Do YOU Know the Answers to the Geology Homework?

You know what is so crazy is that I just finished the homework by myself and I was wondering if maybe, if you wanted, you could tell me what the answers are and then I could tell you what answers I got! 


I'm A Feb Club Ticket Bot. Here's My Story.

So I’m writing this to ask: before you judge me, before you ridicule me, before you condemn my very existence — you need to hear my story.


OP-ED: When I Die, Grind My Flesh Into Magic Carpet’s Meatless Meatballs

I hope customers enjoy tasting a piece of this ass. 


Wellness Win! CAPS to Offer Free Cock and Ball Torture

“Finally!” Rafael Picazso, Wharton ‘23, told UTB reporters. “It’s about time we started getting some actual therapy around here.


Coping With the Loss of Fro Gro: A Photo Tour of the CVS Food Section

With Fresh Grocer closing soon, here's a photo tour of the place where everyone will be headed in the next couple of weeks: the CVS food section.


Ay Bruv! British Student Finds Her Weekend to Be ‘Quite Nice’

British exchange student Jessica Cannon had a “top drawer” weekend. “Lit rally had the time of my lyfe. Last night was a film luv.” said Cannon. “I quite liked it.”


Junior Who Has Never Known Love "Hates Love"

Jennifer Mensito (E '21) "fucking hates" Valentine's Day because "it's fake, and so is everyone."


OP-ED: Petition to Remove All Traffic Safety Signs in Front of DRL

I speak for every Penn student when I say that the probability of getting hit by a car while walking across any of these roads is too damn low.


Engineering Student Only Gets Notifications from Team Snapchat

“I always enjoy Team Snapchat’s messages,” Pon says. “After watching them once, I replay them to watch it again. I hope they don’t mind. I just want to make the most out of it, you know.” 


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