Gourmet Grocer to Consider Restocking Within Next Decade
That’s right: the on-campus grocery store is planning to restock on eggs, milk, toilet paper, and a host of other basic student necessities by 2031.
News
Leaked! Diet Coke Found As the Main Ingredient in COVID Vaccine
Does this come with any long term side effects you should be worried about? No, just don’t think that hard about it.
Gourmet Grocer to Consider Restocking Within Next Decade
That’s right: the on-campus grocery store is planning to restock on eggs, milk, toilet paper, and a host of other basic student necessities by 2031.
Penn Announces Circumcision Mandate for Fall Semester Following Vaccination Requirement Proposal
For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.
Leaked! Diet Coke Found As the Main Ingredient in COVID Vaccine
Does this come with any long term side effects you should be worried about? No, just don’t think that hard about it.
BREAKING: I Love to Get 2 On
Make no mistake: I love to get on to begin with. The mere act of getting 1 on is already heaven to me. So you can imagine the elation of getting 2 on.
Crap: Other Group Members Chose Same Strategy of Pretending to Be Out of Town for Next Two Weeks
One guy claims heu2019s u201cvisiting family up in the Poconos.u201d Really, Marco? At least try to come up with something more obscure like Tionesta or Fulton County, for Peteu2019s sake. Weu2019re really scraping the bottom of the barrel of lies here.
Breaking: It's Officially Too Late to Turn Your Grades Around
In order to improve mental health resources on campus surrounding the issue, CAPS is distributing a pamphlet entitled "Why You Should Give Up Now."
Amy Gutmann Caught Stealing Spit From COVID-19 Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies
Do you want to be a parent, but don’t want to risk your kid being a total failure? Buy one of Amy Gutmann’s babies.
“Assume Spherical Cow” and Other Phrases GUARANTEED to Turn Engineers On
It's common knowledge that nobody understands engineers, not even engineers. They are emotionless, rigid, and only think in terms of numbers and esoteric jargon. But don't fear! UTB has compiled a list of phrases that are GUARANTEED to turn on your engineer love interest.
Self-Identified Extroverted Introvert? You Might Be Eligible for Lethal Injection
In the past several weeks, many Penn students have already received the injection by walking into the FEMA center and claiming the leftover shots.
BREAKING: Penn to Implement 10,080 Intermittent 'Engagement Minutes'
Gurie Klyfe (W '23) was seen asking, “Has anyone sprinted to Miami and back in 60 seconds?”
Slay! Stephanie Really Hasn’t Changed For the Worse Lately
Stephanie looks forward to more weeks of not being a complete cunt.
BREAKING: Humanities Professor Wants to Talk About Modernity
Ah, modernity. Just, ahh… gosh, where to start? Okay, how about this: what is modernity? Heh, what even is it? What do you guys think — is it an era, a concept, an ethos? Do you… feel modern?
Dweeb! Single Tables Force Students to Relive Middle School Trauma
During meals, students sitting alone scream out in agony: “I’m getting my braces off next week, I promise!” One student even broke down crying, muttering to himself: “But, my mother tells me I’m beautiful.”
Relaxing! Professor Wishes Students a Refreshing Engagement Day as He Replaces Lecture With Quiz
He so strongly emphasizes the importance of mental health during the pandemic, even mentioning it in his syllabus right above his zero-tolerance late policy and no partial credit grading policy.
Gutmann Rejects "New Normal," Accepts Usual Paycheck
"And what's worse, everyone is talking about this "new normal" like we are never going to be able to go back to how life was before. I'm putting my foot down. I won't accept it."
Ivy League Already Cancels 2021-22 Seasons
“I am pleased to say that our great league will not be playing sports for the foreseeable future,” Harris said. “We are once again taking the lead on this issue, and I am determined to uphold our league’s reputation."
It's Alive! Contemporary Writing House Sprouts Neck Bolts, Rises From Crypt
“What an amazing testament to Mary Shelley, my God,” Tenderson remarked, shaking his head. “Wait, she was contemporary, right? Shit.”
Penn Football Coach Ray Priore Takes On Second Job as Pizza Delivery Driver
In a recruiting twist, Priore is rumored to be the hiring target of local favorites Allegro Pizza and Zesto Pizza.
Athletes Attend Classes More, Get Worse Grades
Better step it up student athletes!
Penn Basketball Unveils Chipotle Men's Bathroom Presented by Taco Bell at the Palestra
“There’s definitely a lot of influence from Taco Bell and Chipotle in that bathroom,” one student said. “I can safely say that I’ll be watching from my dorm next game.”
