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Lauren Sorantino


Articles

How to Focus in Class Even Though Your Mind Is Wandering to the Purple-Clad Member of the Wiggles

Think about your intense, all-consuming crush instead of Jeff. Never confront them and feel constant dread about it because these are your last few weeks with them. Quickly, a dark cloud of imminent regret will envelop you and taint all of your experiences, including your Legal Studies class, instead of Jeff.


Shy Senior Rewards Herself with a Full Day of Rest After Participating in Class

Plans for her day of rest included skipping all of her classes, having brunch at a restaurant of her choice, purchasing three new pairs of shoes, and indulging in a Netflix bender.


Girl in Front of You in Class Actually Doing Work so Things Are Probably over with Ben from ZBT

Though Curtain is done squandering her class time on texting Ben from ZBT, she still has not dipped her toes into scholarship on immigration and refugees. She is off to a solid start, though, and is taking baby steps toward her final goal.


How to Avoid Your Childhood Trauma by Developing an Astrology Obsession Instead

While other religions or scientific paradigms are "legitimate" and have withstood the test of time, they are also patriarchal and may remind you of your childhood.


How to Feel Cool Even Though You Planned Your Own Birthday Pregame

You definitely have friends. Good, close friends. You eat meals with them, you study with them, you watch movies with them, and you even drink with them — except on your birthday. 


OP-ED: Strega Nona Is Really That Bitch

When you examine the book closely, you can know this from the start.


Quiz: Is It a Fever Dream or a Flashback to the Atlantic City Feb Club Event?

Your jacket is taken from you by a bouncer, even though you do not have a real shirt on underneath. A: You grow a new jacket and (score!) it's made of cotton candy. B: You pretend you have a skin disease, and the bouncer begrudgingly returns your jacket to you.


OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late. I Didn’t Want to Come

But this time, I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t want to come to this GBM so intensely, it’s actually a miracle that I’m here at all. I already know the names of everyone in my sketch group. Plus, your “announcements” are things you could just send us via email.


Beats Pill Announced as 2019 Commencement Speaker

Much of the praise for the speaker involved its superior battery life.


5 Notebooks That Will Stay Together Better Than Your Spring Break Plans

We all know your spring break plans are going to eventually fall apart, but that doesn't mean everything in your life has to as well. UTB has compiled a list of five sturdy notebooks that will stay together despite the fact that they have a paper due the Monday after spring break. 


"I'm So Busy I Barely Have Time to Eat," Says Student Who Drinks 7 Days a Week

By the time I tend to my midterms, improv practice, my work-study job, improv shows, and maintaining my hilarious Twitter brand, I barely have time to eat.


Study: 99% of Freshman Year Trauma Unearthed at the Feb Club First Toast

Reasons participants cited for experiencing trauma included seeing freshman year hookups, roommates, and former friends they’ve avoided eye contact with over the past few years.


Short King! This Girl Is Taking E.T. to Her Date Night

She fell for him freshman year when she saw him riding down Spruce in a children's bike basket.


Parents of Girl Sitting in Class in Front of You Paying $70,000/Year for Her to Text Ben from ZBT

“We talk about Smokes, what he’s eating for lunch, mixers, and…Smokes."


Selfish Friend Fails to Accommodate Lucy’s Busy Pledging Schedule

Since when does being unaffiliated with Greek life also mean being inconsiderate?


Clogs Now Required to Enter the Kelly Writers House

This rule may seem extreme; however, when it is actually enforced in the Fall, it will change very little. Studies from the last four years show that on average, 98% of people in the Writers House at any given time were sporting clogs. 


Didn't Get Tapped for a Senior Society? Here's How to be Better, You Fucking Loser

Didn't get tapped for a senior society? Don't worry, we've got you. Here's how you can snag that tap in no time flat. 


Ego of the Week: The Mop at Rumor

The Ego of the Week this week is the Rumor nightclub mop. UTB sat down with the mop and heard all about the mop's role in the bustling Philadelphia clubbing scene, the mop's passions, and more!




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