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Whew! Now Penn Students Don't Have to Pretend to Be Embarrassed By President's Connection to University

(02/01/21 5:52am)

Penn students collectively breathe a sigh of relief as the new Biden administration settles into office. Gone are the days of having to sheepishly admit, “Yes Trump technically did graduate from Penn.” Students no longer have to even soften the blow by talking about how Trump cheated his way into being admitted. While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.  

Wharton Students Receive Extra Gifts From Beneath the Christmas Trees of CAS Students

(12/14/20 6:09pm)

For years CAS students have complained that Wharton receives special treatment, from free printing to Fridays off. It seems unfair to have such a lush college experience considering that Wharton students don’t do any work, are incapable of having a thought that isn’t completely selfish, and have never known suffering. Why do they have the nicest building just because the average Wharton graduate makes exorbitantly more money than every CAS alumni combined?

Economic’s Stem Classification Paves Way for New Stem Astrology Major

(12/09/20 5:11pm)

Economics majors have it hard too, guys. Now officially classified as STEM majors, they feel they have the right to complain about how hard their little money classes are and already feel some of their basic reading comprehension slipping away. After all, STEM does stand for Science, Technology, Economics, and Math. Some sane people say that economics has absolutely nothing to do with real science, and has almost no purpose except to see who in our class are greedy capitalist pigs, but those people don’t understand the struggles of being a business major in STEM. 

Friend Who Does Cocaine Worried About Health Effects of Wearing Mask

(12/07/20 5:44am)

Poor Liam has to live his life in fear of the dangers of wearing a mask every day of 2020. “Did you know that it makes it hard to breathe and lowers your oxygen intake, you sheeple?!” Liam yells at his coke dealer that tells him to put the mask on before entering his house. Liam thinks it's bullshit that healthy people need to make up and struggle to breathe considering that he exercises, eats right, and “always takes care of himself.” Some of his anger might stem from the fact that he can’t snort coke with the mask on, but assures us that cocaine is way safer than wearing a mask anyway.  

International MGMT Group Member Still Confuses Peru, Maine and Peru, South America

(12/01/20 7:20am)

It feels like everyone has awful stories about those one or two group members that never do any work, but after International Management Group 33 met Tasha, they longed for someone who would just sit back and blow off the whole project. Tasha had the unique talent to go above and beyond in her slacking, actively sabotaging the project at every turn. When the group originally met to choose a topic, Group 33 was naïve and hopeful when Tasha suggested writing about a business expanding to Peru. Once it became way too late to change the topic, Group 33 discovered that Peru referenced a town in Maine, not the actual country. Group 33 was baffled at the sheer ability to make a mistake that brainless, especially considering the first line of the article she cited was “Our company is launching to Peru, Maine (not to be confused with the country Peru for you special dumbasses)!”

Excited for New Years? So Is Satan as He Sets Clock Back One Year to Repeat Hell Loop

(12/02/20 10:11am)

Everyone I know seems ready to leave 2020 burning in the dumpster fire it calls home and step into 2021. With several vaccines likely to roll out in December, things have finally begun to look up. As every day in 2020 has somehow managed to turn out worse than the last, people have seemed to finally breathe a sigh of relief at the idea of waking up in the morning, rather than pray every night is their last. No one seems more excited for New Years' than Satan himself, who is preparing to set the clock back to January 2020 in order to restart his Hell Loop. 

Professor Plans to Give Exam Grade Back at Worst Possible Moment

(12/01/20 7:13am)

It seems that we have all at one point or another experienced the phenomenon of getting an email from Canvas with the subject line “Submission Posted: You failed your midterm asshole!” Seeing the notification on your phone makes your stomach drop as you click the link and feel the suspense increase as you type your 95 digit Penn verification code to ensure the utmost cybersecurity for your 3-minute failed Spanish video. Of course, it never seems to help that professors always seem to release grades while you’re wasted at a party, or in the early morning so that it’s the very first thing you wake up to. Failing classes while blackout drunk only seems to deepen the realization that you truly are the disappointment of the family. 

“Hey! I’m Doing Well, How Are You?” Says Liar

(11/24/20 6:06am)

Every day we get asked “Hi, how are you?” either by family, friends, or even strangers and I am sick of it. Some of you (looking at you Wharton) feel fine with lying all day long, but you’re not fooling anyone, least of all yourself. You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster. Saying you’re fine only means that the highlight of your day is crying yourself to sleep at night. While I am no one to judge, during 2020 we all smell the bullshit in your answers. 

If Everyone Is Beautiful in Their Own Way, Where Are the Ugly People?

(11/16/20 8:56am)

In the past few years, everyone suddenly became beautiful in their own way and frankly the surge in body positivity has been extremely confusing for many. I understand that now everyone has to be beautiful every second of the day no matter what they actually look like, but if that’s the case, what did we as a society do with all the ugly ass motherfuckers? If suddenly everyone is now an off duty supermodel, where did we put the CIS men with body odor or the women who cut their own bangs, and more importantly are we killing them off? 

Student Contemplates Homicide Against Friend Who Is “Finished With Midterms”

(11/23/20 4:49am)

We all have that one friend who needs to tell us that they are “finally able to relax until finals” because they finished their very last midterm for the semester. They always seem to take less than 4 exams over the course of 3 weeks and are then completely exhausted when  it is all said and done. The lazy bastard only studied the day of the test and never seemed to be bothered with actually paying attention during any of their classes. While it is unclear whether they actually do well on their exams, they still have the audacity to rub it in their friends' faces that they are done, while not being bothered to put any effort into classes at all. Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester.

As Nation Implodes, Nevada Takes Time for Self Care

(11/05/20 4:26pm)

People are always stressing the importance of mental health, especially during times of high stress. Whether it be bubble baths or playing with their dog, people throw the words self care around to rationalize ignoring midterms or avoiding responsibilities. Tonight Nevada has also decided that during the disastrous election season, the stress is just overwhelming. In order to recharge, Nevada will be sitting at home on the edge of their seat, watching the news and praying about the outcome, instead of actually counting the ballots to make that outcome a reality. 

Wayfair Pleased Everyone Forgot It Was Accused of Child Trafficking

(11/04/20 7:55am)

Wayfair executives have recently breathed a sigh of relief as the firm fades from the public eye as a human trafficker. Some say that the accusations were a completely baseless meme that started from a Reddit user asking: What if Wayfair is using its storage cabinets to traffic children? But what if they really are child traffickers? Wayfair even went out of their way to deny the claims of sex trafficking in July, but isn’t that exactly what human traffickers would say? I have emailed the Wayfair CEO and he has refused to comment further on this matter.

Professor Assigns So Much Work Wallowing in Sorrow Cut From 2 Hours to 30 Minutes

(11/02/20 5:50am)

Virtual classes have been eating into student’s “Me Time” as professors expect more and more from us, and frankly I am fed up. When it was just the class and the homework, I could still find a good 2 hour window to lay on my floor alone with the lights off and wallow in my sorrow. But my professors have recently been cutting into that time more and more, to the point that I may not have any time tonight to contemplate my existence while listening to Frank Ocean. Even if I manage to reschedule some meetings, the best I can do is 30 minutes of uninterrupted sorrow. 

Jessica Excited to Finally Use Communication Major as Spam Caller

(10/27/20 5:34am)

When Jessica first told her parents she wanted to be a communication major, they were concerned. They worried it was a “useless major” that would never let her really amount to anything. Jessica’s parents told her that even though her midterm was just to have a conversation with a partner, she shouldn’t want to take the easy way out as an excuse to get absolutely shit faced every night. She was so angry that her parents didn’t understand her life’s path and she was spitefully determined to get a good job. During on campus recruiting, it was difficult to shine against students that were engineering majors and pre-med students, but she knew that she could do it. And eventually she did.

Meanies! Got Weird Looks as I Threw My Gum in the Red White and Blue Trash Can

(10/26/20 7:36am)

It seems that everyone has a bone to pick with me about this one red, white, and blue trash can I threw one piece of gum into down my block. Everyday I pass it, I see people throw away letters, and I don’t bother them because it is absolutely none of my fucking business. But who gave them the audacity to yell at me about “voter fraud” over a piece of gum? I even checked if it was a paper only recycling can, and it said nothing about it. I don’t know why they think they need a whole trash can for the bills they want to avoid until the repo man shows up on their doorstep, or love letters from their toxic exes, but these people are really entitled pricks. They said the letters inside might need to be discarded because they have gum on them, to which I replied “Isn’t that the whole point of a trash can anyway?”

Separate Town Halls Brings Nostalgia of Christmas for Child of Divorce

(10/16/20 4:36pm)

As the leaves turn brilliant shades of yellow and red and the smell of baked goods fill the air, children of divorce are reminded of the trials and tribulations of being auctioned off for the holidays--memories only furthered by this election year. The bribes, the desperation, and the pettiness leading up to Christmas day bring a sort of nostalgia to children to divorce when faced with the choice of two separate presidential town halls. And the choice of who’s town hall to watch was one of the more important choices of the week. 

OP-ED: If You Had a Cool Mom You Wouldn’t Be on Campus

(10/22/20 2:59pm)

My on-campus friends seem to think that being at Philly is so awesome and exciting because they get to see “friends.” But as someone off-campus, I just don’t see the big deal of being home versus being on campus, so I decided to get to the bottom of it. Of course, it was very clear that it must be because everyone else’s moms suck. If my mom wasn’t so cool maybe I would be on campus too. 

Roommate's COVID Plan Is Simply to “Vibe It Out”

(10/16/20 4:39pm)

Some students this semester believed that there needed to be an update to the roommate agreement that was designed upon move in and largely ignored ever since. The Google Doc titled Roommate Bullshit currently had rules like “if you vomit in the sink you must turn the garbage disposal on,” and “don’t have sex in my bed without changing the sheets.” Now however, Ashley insisted that the Google Doc needed to be opened for the first time since 2018. She reportedly wanted to “take this pandemic seriously” and “survive.” What a fucking bitch am I right? Ashley asked her roommates not to go to anymore ragers (including darties!!) until it was safe, to which her roommates offered a compromise. They all secretly thought that Ashley was just being an unreasonable asshole for asking for a closed pod but mostly wanted to get her off their back. Instead of agreeing to not party they agreed to simply vibe check the situation. 

God Concerned That His Inbox Is Full of Death Wishes

(10/05/20 3:16am)

Things tended to fall into a regular pattern after millions of years. Someone’s loved one fell sick or got injured and shortly after prayers of goodwill and speedy recoveries began to flood God’s inbox. But what began at around 1am on Thursday made God disturbed by his very own creation. He wondered what the fuck could be happening down on Earth for him to recieve millions upon millions of prayers wishing for the death of a reality TV star. It seems that every time God looked away for just a few years, things turned to shit. 

Hot Professor Has Suspiciously High Webcam Quality

(10/02/20 3:36pm)

From the moment I saw her, it was apparent that my professor was fucking hot as shit, a would-be-succubus. Everything about her face and body made it clear that she was sculpted to be rival Aphrodite. However, the more I saw, the more I realized that her screen was crystal clear HD to the lengths I have never seen before. And listen, everyone has those professors that barely know how to work Zoom: the ones that don’t screenshare the slides right; the ones with the faulty network connection; the ones that genuinely appear to be digitally illiterate. They saturate the school to the point where seeing this woman who not only seems to know how to work a computer, but also has an auto-focusing, wide field of view, ultra 4K HD webcam with ring light and great low-light capabilities only meant one thing. Of course, maybe the first sign should have been when she dropped her onlyfans link in the chat on the first day of class offering extra credit for subscribing. Or maybe the first sign could’ve been the long line of handcuffs and whips in the background of her video.