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After BioPond Development, Penn Reaffirms Commitment to Green Space with Marijuana Dispensary

(10/17/19 2:04pm)

In a bold move, the Penn administration has opted to pave over the BioPond, because "nature is gross." After widespread outcry from the student body, the administration has decided to placate protesters by building a marijuana dispensary next to the nice parking lot where the BioPond once stood.

This Freshman Vomits from Drinking All the Time and That’s Very Cool and Not Concerning

(09/12/19 12:36pm)

College is a time for trying new things and finding out what you love. For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a week. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.

Breaking: Low-Tier Frat Bro Already Practicing His "Take a Lap" for Upcoming NSO Season

(06/17/19 2:34am)

Fraternities across campus have already begun the exciting process of establishing a fall event schedule — with whom will they mix? What themes will their events have? What incompatible flavors of alcohol will join together to create the most suspicious smelling, albeit drinkable, Jungle Juice? 

5 Ways to Rock the Confidence of Scoring That Internship with Your Dad's Friend

(04/24/19 5:10am)

Getting an internship can be tough. You send out application after application just to get rejected. Many times, you won’t even be dignified with a response. Despite the challenging process, there is nothing like the feeling of finally getting that summer internship. It is a huge confidence boost. And, yes, the internship wasn’t from any of the 30 organizations you applied to. It’s an internship with your dad’s college roommate who comes to Passover every year and also happens to be Chief Development Strategist at IBM, but still, awesome gig — and they wanted you!

Magic Gardens Tickets Never Existed, Just Construct Teaching Privileged Feeling of 'Wanting and Not Receiving'

(04/08/19 1:49pm)

This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity. She explained that they never had any tickets available to sell, and, instead, her team orchestrated the online ticket sale interface as part of a study to see the intersection between “privilege and want.”