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First it’s jaywalking, then it’s petty theft, and all of a sudden everybody’s going around committing all sorts of sins, like murdering each other and listening to explicit music. I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?
After giving my Tinder date a handjob in the movie theater and realizing that he stole my Juul in the process, I decided to enter my new era of self-improvement. No more nicotine for me! Each morning, I would wake up and write “Vaping Kills” in my journal, over and over, until my hands bled. I would go online (to the Youtube) to watch videos of why vaping is bad for you. I even had plenty of at-home remedies for curbing my cravings: my most effective solution was to repeatedly bang my head against my kitchen counter until I would lose consciousness.
Look, I don’t have a problem with gay people.
My dear sweet Pennsters,
From: Amy Gutmann <president@upenn.edu>
An extremist group, whose name seems like a random collection of consonants, has claimed responsibility for an event that is probably important.
Last Thursday, rising senior Harry Cox plugged his club’s upcoming fundraiser in a group chat. Cox began the message by calling it a “shameless plug.”
Yo wassup pennsters.
Student activists at Penn are continuing to passionately defend the rights of those they cross the street to avoid.
So like the other weekend I was just going out with the gang, you know the sort haha, and like Trishelle said she had this thing on but no one really listened cos when do any of us actually have things on like never right and I was just really feeling myself and had this crazy like wave of gratitude fly over me like it felt like a vision, or like Jesus was watching me and touching me in this really profound way that made me just stop and think ‘Kendall you need to, like, remember what’s important to you’ and that’s when I decided you know what, I’m strong and independent and if I want to do something i’m gonna, like, do it so then we were walking altogether, the whole gang, and we stopped outside a frat and I saw this cute boy inside and I was thinking like oooh maybe tonight’s, like the night where I get that real teenage dream moment and Gretchen can play romantic music as we go into each others’ arms yada yada and then suddenly I saw him get with this real bitch who like was totally sorta kinda ugly and it made me realise that sometimes talking to the guy before fantasising could be, like, a valid process but idk i’m in hot girl summer atm and i’ve just gotta keep live laugh loving until I make it through and find mr right if you know what I mean hahahah OOHHH how did I forget and then Trishelle was like “guysssss i really really gotta goooo now please someone come i’m scaaaared” and because I was really feeling my feminist I was like “no bitch you need not to let society get you down” because sometimes she can be like that and she doesn’t listen to the real facts and gets swayed and all that, like, weird vibe energy, so I pointed her the way and she wandered over somewhere it was a bit weird ngl so then we just went to like a BILLION other frats looking for cuties and we only found the gays (who i STAN HUNNY that’s the real TEA) and together we wandered down locust and I was, like, really feeling myself, because as y’all know, I’ve been, like, developing my range as a theatrical identity which means being confident in all I’m doing and ready to explore my artistic depth whenever an opportunity, like, arises and because of that when I walked past Annenberg I was like “OMG I’M THE MOMENT THIS IS JESUS AGAIN SHOWING ME THE WAY” and he lead me through open doors until some bitch told me that only cast could go behind that other door and I was like bitch I am the cast where’s your main character like wtf so then I tried to leave but the lights dimmed and suddenly i got that like theatre feeling where everything was so magical and I was like immersed in the soup of energy and music and lights and ughhh i would have jumped up there when suddenly I saw Trishelle and I don’t know if it was the performance or the booze but, Trishelle, your show was actually, like, good wtf.
Thanksgiving evokes great nostalgia in the social and cultural consciousness of the American public. As such, the holiday has come to represent an occasion for cherishing family and friends, gorging on basted turkey and pumpkin pie, playing football in the yard and board games by the fire, and conversing heartily with loved ones about "Is God dead?" and "Grandpa, why did you kill Him in Iraq?"
Wails were heard across campus today as Frau Gutmann announced what her final act as President would be. No, it’s not an Oktoberfest bender with each day themed to what she did with each million she’s earned - they did that last year - but finally we’re upgrading the Penn In-Touch system.
Much to the delight of students, the mathematics department at Penn was recently abolished following a direct order from the board of directors. In her address to the community, Amy Gutmann had the following to say:
Penn’s campus is a thriving hub for the performing arts, from dance groups, to music ensembles, to cis men who dress up as women for a cheap laugh. During this time of year, the members of this thriving hub can be found in the center of Locust Walk performing a degrading, oftentimes kinky ritual known as walk shifting.
Mix all together, cook at high heat for 15 minutes and then leave on the stove for an entire week to create a witch’s brew that’s guaranteed to make any roommate hate you.
In what is now emerging as a shocking series of events, white people are getting confused.
I keep hearing the word “Provost“ get tossed around?? Can someone just, like, let me know what that is on the dl? Thanks.
The 20th National Congress of the Chinese Communist Party will be held at the Great Hall of the People, Beijing, in October 2022. Thousands of delegates will represent the party’s estimated 100 million members. During the congress, the delegates will elect the new leader of the central committee as well as the General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party and the Chairman of the Central Military Commission of the Communist Party of China.
The White House has been quick to shut down local ‘skinhead greenie’ Maxine Dickinson this week after her latest occurrence of what they call ‘contagious socialist homo-pedantic abortive radicalism’.
And here are some intended changes to the national anthem as well, bringing back the two stanzas removed post-WW2: