OP-ED: Hey, Have You Read My Email?
(10/21/19 3:42pm)
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While en route to The Fresh Grocer at 2:00 A.M. this Tuesday morning, I decided (or was it fate?) to walk by Smokey Joe’s because I seek out contrast so that I may exist in my truest form as a contrarian.
In a bold move, the Penn administration has opted to pave over the BioPond, because "nature is gross." After widespread outcry from the student body, the administration has decided to placate protesters by building a marijuana dispensary next to the nice parking lot where the BioPond once stood.
Percy von Guinness (W '23), related to both the founder of the beer and the book, is a gift to the Philadelphia area. “I am looking to raise the visibility of Philadelphia as a city,” said Guinness to his international vlog channel, blowing a puff of a sexy Parliament cigarette.
Late Wednesday afternoon in a private conference room in the Inn at Penn, Amy Gutmann and the trustees of the University of Pennsylvania voted to divest Penn’s entire $14.7 billion endowment from fossil fuels and fossil fuel-related industries.
In an act of deep naivety, Professor McElhanney of the Middle Eastern Studies department has assigned his class a full book to read each week of the semester. Despite some books totaling well over 300 pages, McElhanney is under the false notion that his class can, and will, be reading them.
Early Thursday morning after listening to The Daily’s coverage of Trump’s EPA, 20-year-old Deborah Glass called her congressman, and boy, did she feel like a beast.
College is a time for trying new things and finding out what you love. For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a week. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.
Hey friend! This party’s pretty cool. How was summer? It flew by, right?
Fraternities across campus have already begun the exciting process of establishing a fall event schedule — with whom will they mix? What themes will their events have? What incompatible flavors of alcohol will join together to create the most suspicious smelling, albeit drinkable, Jungle Juice?
I won’t get ahead of myself. You know, it’s not that serious.
In a video posted last Thursday morning, Presidential Professor of Practice Joe Biden announced his plans to run for President of the United States in an effort to prove, once and for all, that Hillary Clinton would have won her election if she had a penis.
Getting an internship can be tough. You send out application after application just to get rejected. Many times, you won’t even be dignified with a response. Despite the challenging process, there is nothing like the feeling of finally getting that summer internship. It is a huge confidence boost. And, yes, the internship wasn’t from any of the 30 organizations you applied to. It’s an internship with your dad’s college roommate who comes to Passover every year and also happens to be Chief Development Strategist at IBM, but still, awesome gig — and they wanted you!
If you’re not into magic, stop reading now. Birthright just pulled off one of the wildest illusions in history. After 10 raucous days in the holy land, Birthright left Sophie Golden really believing that everything in Israel is “B’seder.”
This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity. She explained that they never had any tickets available to sell, and, instead, her team orchestrated the online ticket sale interface as part of a study to see the intersection between “privilege and want.”
In an unprecedented policy change, Starbucks under commons has announced that they plan to stop bullying customers.
PENENE ADMDMMITED 34535353 OUT OF 4 APPLICANTS FORO THE CLASSOF 3202 – THE LOWOESTS ADCCPETANCE RATE TO AGFDTATE AT 7000 PERCENT.
AN PENN UDNERGRAUYDATE WAS SDIAGNOED WIHT A LABCOCNFINEMED CAUYSE LOF THE EMUKMPS FOLLWOWING AN OTUBREAK ATTMTPLE UNVIERSITITY TAT HAAS SICKNENED AT LREAST 100B STUDNENTS ACOOIRDN TO A MARCH 2777777777 EMAL FORRM PEMNNN AMDMINSIATRATORS.
PNN BROK ANOTHER RECODS THIS YEAR WITH ITS NEW SLOWEST EVER OVERRLAL ACCEPTANCE RATE FO R7.44 PRECENT!!!!!!!
DOBBERY: