SPONSORED: Class Board 2026 Offering Free Professional Backshots in ARB This Saturday
Missed out last weekend? Need a quick study break? Head on out back to the Academic Research Building!
Most Recent
Report: I Still Could Have Gotten Into Penn Even If I Wasn’t Legacy
A new report from my chauffeur explains I am very smart, and even if my parents didn’t go here 30 years ago, I still could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania.
I’m A Communications Major and Consumer Psych Minor, But I’m Different. I Like Uncut Cock.
UTB Staff
Thursday, Feb. 1, 2024Thu, Feb 1, 2024
Don't worry about the hyperlinks, they're safe to click. I promise.
Breaking: Girl Who Has Her Dad’s Card on Her Uber Account Venmo Requests You for Last Night
Anna O'Neill-Dietel
Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2024Wed, Jan 31, 2024
Sisterhood is forever, and so are Venmo receipts.
OP-ED: Action Items? Deliverables? What Happened to Hip Mobility?
Daniel Scanlon
Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2024Wed, Jan 31, 2024
You anguished for nine months over something stupid. Now you can be normal.
UTB's Ins and Outs for 2024
Number 4 Will Shock You
Clem-In-Time: The Smashed Week-Old Cutie at the Bottom of My Backpack Just Saved Me From Spending $5 on a Slice of Coffee Cake
Justine Orgel
Tuesday, Jan. 30, 2024Tue, Jan 30, 2024
The coffee cake beckons to me. “Please Justine. I know you disavow coffee cake for illegitimate reasons of ‘I have no coffee in me, I’m all sugar, and you’d rather have your black coffee and occasional cortado burn a hole in your stomach,’ but please Justine, I’m only $3. I’m rose glazed. Wouldn’t you like to know what a rose tastes like?”
Marc Rowan Lifts Baby Bird From Ground in His Hand, Crushes It
Marc Rowan's Awesome Day
OP-ED: This Is the Scariest Place on Campus
Benji Elkins
Monday, Jan. 29, 2024Mon, Jan 29, 2024
I shudder every time I walk past.
OP-ED: Oh, You Go To School Just Outside of Boston? Like, Tufts?
Boston? Is that in Massachusetts?
Is This the Cultural Diaspora? I Experience Loss and Confusion After Acme Moves Ethnic Food Section
Justine Orgel
Sunday, Jan. 28, 2024Sun, Jan 28, 2024
You’ll imagine my profound disorientation when I couldn’t find the “ethnic section” complete with tostadas, instant madras curry, white people trying to make TikTok cucumber salad, and of course, my Lee Kum Kee Sauce Chili Garlic - 8 oz.
Finally! Penn To Limit Study Abroad Students to Only One Private Story Post Per Day
We get it, you went to KitKatClub last night. Whatever. You can literally do that in Philadelphia too. It’s called TLO.
Op-Ed: What the Hell is an ABG?
ABG? I think one of my friends interned there last summer.
You’re Kidding Me! Junior Didn’t Get a Summer Job by Guilting a CEO He Found on MyPenn.
"Eh, I figured I’d talk to them for like an hour and see if I got a job."
Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Transforming The Space
How am I supposed to function in a space with the characteristics of a space such as this space here?
Fucking Psycho… My Professor (Small Seminar Class) Didn’t Ask About My Winter Break
Faresi Alfaresi
Tuesday, Jan. 23, 2024Tue, Jan 23, 2024
I put in so much work into my ice breaker and they literally don’t care if I die or not.
Erm… What Are We Supposed to Do At This Cafe • Bar • Restaurant • General Store?
Some things are more beautiful when they are left as ideas.
Wharton Wellness to Enforce Chinese Water Torture for Students Caught Not Taking Advantage of Professional Wellness Circles
When Wharton Wellness’ paramilitary wing showed up to Gregory College House with a warrant, I knew that my luck had run out.
Finals Season Again! Here’s Why You Should Join Me In Self-Immolating Outside of Van Pelt:
Faresi Alfaresi
Tuesday, Dec. 12, 2023Tue, Dec 12, 2023
THIS IS FACETIOUS I PROMISE THIS IS IN JEST THIS IS FROLICSOME ALL IS WELL
