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Warm Weather Gives Depressed Student False Glimmer of Happiness

I cancelled my CAPS appointment, I am going to dye my hair pink and give myself bangs tonight, and I’m not worried about my four overdue problem sets.


OP-ED: I Totally Know Who Miguel Is, but I’m Asking to Make Sure You Know…

Oh wow, so Miguel is gonna be playing at Fling. That’s awesome..right? Is it good or not good?


OP-ED: I've Got Huge Balls, but Not Because I Have Mumps

I mean, these cojones? Inflamed? No way in hell, broseph.


Friend Group Ready to 'Go Wild' and Sneak Bag of Skinny Pop Into Movie Theater

Cinemark was half-price, so Emily, Angela, Liam, Brandon, and Alexis were ready to have a wild night (Raquel couldn’t make it. She has an exam tomorrow, and she is so behind smh.).


So Close! Verizon Now Covers the Whole Mojave Desert but Not Fresh Grocer

Did you know that Verizon leads the nation in every conceivable category? Best coverage, best customer service, best plans. Hell, they’re now the best man at your wedding, whether you like it or not.


Going Green! Penn Closes Frontera in Effort to Decrease Gas Emissions from Students

Penn researchers have found that a harsh 92 percent of Penn's greenhouse gas emissions are linked to Frontera consumption.


Ladies: Does Your Man Have the Munchies or Has He Just Neglected to Feed Himself for a Week?

You’ve been busy with exams and clubs the past week and haven’t seen him in six days. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t had a sufficient meal in that span of time.


Gaga Googoo: This Big Baby Is Drinking Pedialyte in Bed Because He Can't Stand

Brandon’s been in bed for so long today, you better hope the soft part of his skull didn’t get dented.


Please Ignore My Swollen Lymph Nodes and Let Me Hit That Juul

Do I have mumps ? What the hell, man, course not. 


BREAKING: Looking to Buy One Magic Gardens Ticket

Look, I get it. You have big plans to roll with your squad, but no drug feels better than the joy of giving. Ecstasy who? Help me out.  


There's No Mumps Outbreak, Wendell Pritchett Just Really Wanted to Use "Inflamed Testicles" in a Mass Email

Upon further inquiry, UTB staff confirms that there isn’t, in fact, a mumps outbreak. Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett simply wanted the opportunity to make the words “inflamed testicles” appear in the inboxes of 8,000 undergraduate students.


This Desperate Guy Keeps Asking Me to Meet Up, Claims He's My 'Advisor'

 Wanna know the worst part? This creep only contacts me through email. 


OP-ED: Stop Asking Token Male Candidates to Run for Office

Why are we encouraging these men to run for a position that they will never be able to do successfully?  


Breaking: Fraternity That Failed Sensitivity Training No Longer Playing Ignition (Remix) at Parties

We all love Ignition here at Beta Gamma, but now we only listen to it privately during our pre-games.  


How to Walk down Locust so Everyone Knows You’re from New York

Ah, Locust Walk. The highway of University City. Traffic can be a nightmare, but luckily, you’re from the city that never sleeps. Here are some tips for making it to DRL in a breeze while never letting anyone near you forget your heritage.


Tragic! This Girl Is Agonizing over Which Recitation to Choose Even Though She'll Be Skipping It Anyway

A difference of a half hour can be absolutely crucial.


Stand Down: Katie Brought a Banana Whip to Club Meeting and Has Something to Say

That's right, a full 15 minutes after the hour-long meeting began, Katie burst through the door apologizing for her tardiness. She didn't give an excuse, but her banana whip with chocolate chunks and cookie crumbles shows no signs of melting.


University Officials Predict Flash Flooding at 'Evening With Antoni Porowski' Event Friday

The decision to declare a flood advisory was reached "after careful deliberation of a number of factors," chief among them being the presence of several hundred "exceptionally horny" students waiting to catch a glimpse of the Queer Eye star in the flesh.


Donald Trump Serves Fast Food at White House, Hoping to Recruit a Big New Pledge Class

Given the recent departures of Health and Safety Officer John Kelly and Philanthropy Chair Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis, this recruitment cycle is going to be a numbers game for the administration.


Meet the Statesman Writer Whose Piece on Pronouns Has 15 Page Views

The piece, entitled “My Thin, Graying Beard and Receding Hairline Should Exempt Me from Providing Pronouns” has received a whopping 15 pageviews all by itself, up 87% from the site’s total pageviews for the entire month of February. 


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