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Yes! 40 Year Old Man Thinks You’re Hot

You really needed something to boost your confidence. And wouldn’t you know, this balding 40-something-year-old man was just the guy to make that happen.


Class Silent After Professor Asks Question About Material Not Covered in Wikipedia Summary

“I’m usually a very active participant in class,” Michaelson said. “But then Professor Chowdry asked about something that wasn’t covered on the 150-word abstract or the Wikipedia page, and that’s really beyond my purview.”


Not Exaggeration! Jessica Reporting All Her Friends Hate Her and She Can’t Explain Why but It’s so Obvious

Under the Button is still working to understand the nature of this incident and gain any clarity at all into this developing story.


Wilcaf Will Offer Cow's Milk for No Extra Charge

Proponents of cow's milk cite the ecological catastrophe that is almond milk, the estrogen content of soy milk, and the gluten in oat milk as reasons for making the switch. 


OP-ED: Parasite Was Good, but Wouldn’t It Be Better If It Were in English?

While watching Parasite, I couldn’t help but wonder how much better the film could have been if all the actors were white, speaking English, and if it took place in rural Texas. 


OP-ED: If You See Me Walking Into Center City, Don't Stop Me, I'm Never Coming Back

I will be walking to Center City this weekend, and none of you better try to fucking stop me.


OP-ED: I’ve Been Trapped in Fisher-Bennett Hall for 56 Years. Please Let Me Out.

I’ve been in this building since it was a women’s gym. Back then, there was excitement, activity, the smell of young sweat and hope. Now, it’s just stuffy English majors pretending to be interested in Marx or The Faerie Queene. I can’t take it anymore.


Deadline Extended! You May Now Wait Another Week to Write Our Intern App in One Frantic Evening

You piece of garbage. We know that you haven't even started our application yet, you absolute fucking mess of a human being. What have you even been doing? Homework? A likely story.  


"It's Like a Study Group With a House," and 4 Other Ways to Explain Greek Life to Immigrant Parents

 4. "Pledging is Just Like the American Immigration Process!"


Report: HSOC Major up to Pack of Cigs a Week

When asked to explain why she smokes cigarettes despite concentrating in Public Health, Jameson was quick to explain it was only to keep from hitting her Juul.


OP-ED: Caution, Bus is Turning

Caution, bus is turning. Yes, this bus. Turning now. Right now. 


No, Throwing a Coin Into the Hill Fountain Will Not Get You Into New College House

“Since freshman year, I’ve been throwing all types of coins in there,” said Phenn. “Pennies, dimes, nickels, half-dollars, dollar coins, bitcoins — but nothing has worked."


Eggo of the Week: Cinnamon Raisin Waffle

Meet the Penn senior who combines aromatic spices with dried fruits!


Heartwarming! This Guy "Isn't Even That Mad" Commencement Speaker Is a Feminist

“Yeah, when I heard she was a feminist, I definitely rolled my eyes,” Chad said, shrugging his shoulders, “but I didn’t threaten to boycott the ceremony." He’s so progressive! 


Pennsylvania to Go Red After International Student Gets His U.S. Citizenship

Baker, who refused to concentrate in business analytics in order to focus on finance and real estate, applied for  citizenship in order to stay at Blackstone in New York for a little longer, but little did he know he would now be able to vote as well!


Gaming Laptop Just Porn Laptop Now

Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.


I Entered Commons and Left Uncommon

I entered 1920 Commons quite an everyday fellow: okay character, good head of hair,  a personality both robust and mellow.


Oh Goodie! Professor Dunkin Is About to Talk About His Pastoral German Childhood Again

“If you guys thought the midterm was tough, try weeding the entire backyard in time for dinner,” Dunkin reminisced, staring off into the distance. “Now that’s what I call tough.”


3 Tips From Club Penguin That Will Improve Your Sex Life

The sensual, voiceless, man-sized penguin can actually teach us a lot about life, love, and most importantly, the bedroom.


UTB Presents: Cash Elevator

In this offbeat game show, players entering the Cash Elevator have to answer trivia questions before they reach their destination in order to win. If they answer wrong, they better start climbing the stairs. 


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