According to a school-wide survey, Alex Travers (W ’20) is one of the six students excited to return to school this month.

Citing low attendance in years past to mandatory New Student Orientation events, the University announced Monday that all events this year will be held at its hospital’s emergency room. The move is part of an effort to make attending NSO events more convenient for freshmen.

The dress code states that, “under no circumstance are sports jerseys allowed in the vicinity. Please find hip, alternative ways to assert your stomach-churning masculinity. We have faith in you.

The “Daddy Issues: Legal Trouble in the Penn Bubble” seminar will be mandatory for all students whose family names are attached to campus buildings.

The early bird gets the worm! Or in this case, rather than a worm, Elizabeth Rogers (C '22) will be getting some Golden Beets and a Syrian Lamb Kabob.

“I thought when I told the world 2 years in advance that I would be an Investment Banking Summer Analyst at Goldman Sachs, no one could be bolder. But this, this is bold.”

When he opened his first lemonade stand at the age of 4, Goldberg knew that he was bound to become a true business mogul. Within years, he had claimed to be the "CEO, Co-Founder, and President" of over a dozen companies.

For years, the people have been struggling underneath your iron boot. But, when they link arms and liberate themselves of their yokes, they are coming for Wharton students first.

One family of 4 reportedly witnessed him "slapping the bag by himself," and begging their 4 and 6-year old children to have a boat race with him.

"I think it will be a great fit," stated a spokesman from the company. "Professor Wax has shown to be a huge admirer of pizza in the past."

"Honestly, we recommend recycling your urine like a hibernating bear, but not everyone has the biological capabilities to do this yet. Rest assured, there is a team of engineers and pre-med students working to solve this problem immediately.”

"If he didn't get an A+ in his Advanced Quantum Computing course, there's no way we would have hired him to do this critical work for our organization."

"How was I supposed to know I can’t just skip? Apparently, they take attendance every day. Total buzzkill."

Thomas, who has recently placed 3rd in a frat-wide FIFA tournament, harnessed his intellectual brilliance to memorize the names of as many soccer players as possible so that he could sound intelligent when discussing the World Cup.

The two reportedly have a great deal in common, including their political views, their thoughts on the legal system, and the amount of minorities who actively support them. 

Of course all of this happened while his over-achieving peer in the College, Christian Roberts (C ’19), maintained his pristine academic performance.

Gutmann insisted that there was no hidden meaning behind the jacket. "It's a jacket. There was no message. Haven't you guys been getting my emails?!"

"We're bullish on creativity and bearish on rigid requirements," remarked Frank Harris, Dean of Wharton Undergraduate Admissions. "We have realized that it is unfair to expect applicants to successfully walk us through a discounted cash flow analysis and a comparable companies analysis."

Incoming freshman Jeff Clarke (W '22) exclaimed that his idolization of Musk encouraged him to pursue the unbelievably original academic combination of Finance AND Computer Science.

Visitors to the East Village apartment of Ryan Bertrand (W ’19) have been complaining of a strange smell.