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News


Report: 100% of People That Watch Super Bowl for Ads Are Quirky and Different

While she liked almost all of the ads, her favorites included “that one with the M&M, that funny one with the beer, and the one with the babies.” 


BREAKING: My Grandma Thinks That Fellow Has Too Many Tattoos

“What does that young fellow have all over his skin? He is very good looking I must say, but what is with the schmattas all over his chest area?"


Bookstore Flooding Ruins 3 Textbooks, Causes $2 Million in Damages

While the two recently refurbished escalators are reported safe and sound, the store is not without its damages. Witnesses say that the flooding really wasn’t too severe, but the damage is irreparable. 


Study: Purity of Brita Water Found to Offset Binge-Drinking and Chain-Smoking

"It’s absolutely mind-boggling how a $30 plastic product from Walmart can have a more profound effect on purifying the body than some of our multi-million dollar machines."


"Study Abroad Changed Me" Says Senior After Spending 1 Hour in North Philly

she learned what study abroad really means: embracing and learning from adversity. She gathered up her courage and decided to embrace discomfort.


Quad Freshman with Girlfriend in NCH Finally Understands Long Distance

When he found out his girlfriend lived in New College House, it suddenly felt as through their entire relationship had been put in jeopardy. Yet Rohde, being the optimist that his high school year book superlative said he was, knew he could make the best of the situation. 


Parents of Girl Sitting in Class in Front of You Paying $70,000/Year for Her to Text Ben from ZBT

“We talk about Smokes, what he’s eating for lunch, mixers, and…Smokes."


BREAKING: Boston Born Eagles Bandwagoner Thinks He Can Re-join Pats Nation

Despite disrespecting his home state, community, and immediate family last year by hopping on the Eagles bandwagon, College junior Johnny Sullivan thinks that he can publicize his #PatsNation pride this cycle without anyone calling him out on his bullshit.


Fraternity Earns Record High Yield After Taking Rushes to the Penn Museum

“Even though the IFC always suggested a trip to the Penn Museum, for some reason I assumed it wouldn’t be as fun as going to New York or Atlantic City"


Gutmann Announces New Hall of Money to Replace Green Space Lost During Construction

When asked whether it was morally responsible to assemble an entire building made out of foreign currencies, gold bars, and the Bitcoin Penn bought, Gutmann lit a Cuban cigar with the second mortgages of struggling Penn parents and told UTB that she “doesn’t speak broke.” 


BREAKING: Your Roommate Just Posted a Picture of Your Dirty Dishes in the Group Chat

Hey, guys. I don’t want to disrupt anyone, but it’s time to drop what you’re doing and clean up your fucking mess.


Average SAT Admit Score Jumps to 3750 Following Announcement of Fact Checking Policy

This impressive figure surely comes as a relief to the Admissions department after they embarrassingly disclosed that they’re unable to fact-check most applications.


United By Blue Offers Alternative Spring Break Option of Framing Photos of the the Great Outdoors

“We feel like our customers are already onboard with our message of ‘nature without the dirt,’ and so we felt that this would be another great way for consumers to feel like they might as well be contributing to a good cause."


Seems Legit: Ja Rule Funding New College House West Construction

Ja Rule assured architects and builders earlier this week via a screenshot of the Notes app in an email that "this building is NOT A SCAM as everyone is reporting."


Penn Struggling To Erect Building On Last Remaining Square Foot Of Grass

When appraisers first noticed the 11 inch by 11.5 inch rectangle of grassy dirt, the University community was shocked to learn that something like that still existed.


Freshman with ‘7 Rings’ Energy Bursars AirPods for Six of Her Bitches

Bursts of hot pink and purple light suddenly beat down upon Fitzgerald as her desire – nay – NEED to spoil her friends with her riches overwhelmed her petite body.


Penn Intramural Polo League Off to Slow Start

The league is looking for folks who have three to six horses and three friends who also have three to six horses.


Selfish Friend Fails to Accommodate Lucy’s Busy Pledging Schedule

Since when does being unaffiliated with Greek life also mean being inconsiderate?


Student Leaves Room After Finishing CIS 160 Problem Set, Disappointed to Find the Year Is 2019

"Good news was I finished my homework. Bad news was, I failed the class and missed all of winter break."


Incoming Freshman Disappointed to Learn Penn is not a “Free Drug Zone” and That He Cannot Read

Believing the sign to actually signify that all drugs on campus were free and, perhaps, even provided to students, Caulfield immediately set his sights on the school.


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