After the decision was publicized, Wax could be seen flying above the Law School skywriting various curses and “SURRENDER SHEEPLE” in black smoke. 

As the Penn community awaits Magill taking over Gutmann’s presidency, many have assumed that tensions between the two women are high. These people are sorely mistaken—the only thing getting high is them! 

In the expansive world of fluid dynamics, fluid flow can occasionally be idealized by Bernoulli's Equation, which states p + 0.5(ρV^2) + ρgh = c.

Are you tired of the musty smell of your Quad room, where the ceiling could cave in at any moment due to the happy little colonies of mold slowly consuming the ceiling like how time slowly consumes your life? 

Sure, homework is ‘important,’ and there are ‘deadlines,’ but sexy mirror pics are timeless.  I won’t have this bod forever!

Look out Penn: the gays are coming

No cap, this bout to get lit.

“Now that they see that my Crayon-eating brain can’t even spell the state correctly, I’ll never be able to sell my soul to dream companies like McKinsey, Bain, and Boston Conslutting Group.”

“There are homeless Americans sleeping under shops all around the city. When I call the police to clear them, I make sure to remind our officers to treat them with respect and decency.”

Many schools have already announced that they will be going Wordle-optional for the foreseeable future, including Ivy League schools, Brown and Cornell.

While the student had initially entered the office seeking an increase in her financial aid package, she left in tears as the new owner of a very stylish pen and absolutely no money at all. 

It is rumored that similar initiatives will take place campus-wide, renaming Speakman hall and Perelman quadrangle to Speakwoman and Perelwoman, respectively.

Yeah, so if you’re looking to plant some begonias or something, make sure to use nutrient rich soil, you ignoramuses. Plants, in fact, need nutrients to grow up big and strong. Christ, I know you suckers are just eating this right up.

That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.

The congratulatory ditty has already escaped from your laptop speaker. 

Sweating and shivering, sweating and shivering.

What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely. 

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.

“This makes things so much easier! My family is going to eat Thanksgiving dinner at the LAX P.F. Chang’s with me, then I’ll get right back on the plane and head back to Philly that night. Convenient!”

Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.