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News


BREAKING: Penn Biden Center Endorses Bernie Sanders For President

“It ultimately came down to us endorsing a candidate we thought could stay awake during a Congressional hearing,” the Center wrote in a statement. “Mr. Biden isn’t senile… but he’s not not senile.” 


Sad! This Senior Missed the Deadline to Add Friends

She needed to drop all her old friends before she could add the new ones because they just wouldn’t fit together. Unfortunately, as well-intentioned as her plan was, it was doomed to fail. Homstaller was not paying enough attention to the add deadline and ended up dropping all of her friends just before the deadline passed.


How Faithful! Roommate Prays “Oh God, Yes” and Claps Softly In Bed

I’ll tell him that he shouldn’t be embarrassed about his nightly holy prayer and that he’s free to perform it whether I’m asleep or not. As long as he doesn't insist for me to join him.  


Girl Who Bullet Journals Daily Actually a Freak in Bed

When pressed, Moffit admitted that she can only achieve orgasm if there is a Leuchtturm1917 college-ruled notebook in her immediate vicinity.


‘The Walk’ Rebrands to ‘The Strut’ in Bid to Increase Panache

Everyone knows that a strut is trendier than a walk, so it should come as no shock that the highly vaunted magazine has chosen this name. The real question is, what took them so long?


Queen Shit! McKenzie Blacked Out Again Last Night

McKenzie was really feeling herself that night and decided she wanted to share with her devoted Instagram followers just how great she was feeling. And what better way than with a nude on her rinsta! “Iconic!!”


Meet the Self-Proclaimed Communist Working at McKinsey Next Year

"I just think that private enterprise is fundamentally corrupt," remarked Rogers, as he exited his first-class airplane seat returning from his interview which could have easily been conducted via Skype.


Penn Regular Admission Sees Stand-Out Class, Mainly My Little Sister

Joseph, a high school student with an average 5k time, is one of 10 top students in her 80-person private school class. On top of that, she did research at Penn—and not even for a family friend. 


Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for the Car Table at Distrito

What will you be having tonight? Hmmmm a margarita of course! You’ve worked hard, you deserve a treat. And to eat? Maybe some tofu tacos – something plant-based because you’re such a great person. They only give the car table to the best of the best, you know. 


Meet the New Club Changing Things up at Penn: PennPercs

In a school often singularly focused on chasing prestigious internships and post-graduate job offers, a club providing an avenue for students to let loose with some harmless fun is definitely a breath of fresh air. 


BREAKING: Engineering Students Must Now Learn to “Read” and “Write”

According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received.


Breaking! Bethany’s Break Was “Soooo goood omgosh how was yours?? How are youu!?”

Walking to class Thursday morning, Jessica saw Bethany for the first time this year. The two girls were walking on Locust when they made eye contact, lost eye contact, and then accidentally made eye contact again.


Frat Innovates Sticky Floorboards into Human Glue-Trap

 “We have spent years refining our mixture, experimenting by adding ingredients to our floorboards,” said Chad Dang, the leader of the Omega Tau human glue-trap project.  The ingredients of their formula purportedly include many different types of alcohol, sugar, cocaine, human secretions, and other substances. 


BREAKING: Dumpster Fire Breaks Out In My Brain

A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.


For Every Goose Canada Goose Kills They Vow to Plant a New One

Canada Goose hopes this will contribute to both stopping climate change and the bad press from PETA. 


Man to Vote for Bloomberg If He Sees Just One More Ad

Although a registered Democrat, Scrabis did not vote in the 2016 election. “I'm still on the fence," Scrabis said. "I've seen 47 Bloomberg ads, but I think I really need one more to convince me.” 


Man Explains Bernie to Woman

Arnold, a PPE major, looked his girlfriend in the eyes for the first time, excited to strut his knowledge of politics, philosophy, and economics: “Actually, Bernie is the same age as Trump. And it is a verifiable scientific fact that he is more likely to win the presidency than Warren, because he is a man and she is a woman. Also, I don’t know if you know what this means, but Bernie would be much better for the economy.


Jared Withdrawing From Society to “Focus on His Music”

“To all those near and dear to me, I regret to inform you that I will no longer be engaging with you physically, socially, or emotionally. From this day forward, I plan to eat, sleep, and breathe music — my music. That I am making. I am making music,” Sampson wrote in a recent Instagram post.


Jewish History Class Graded 60% on Exams, 40% on Chutzpah

“Now that’s chutzpah,” Dr. Rabinowitz concluded. “And kid, you won’t get nowhere if you don’t got chutzpah.”


Yogurt Left in Fridge Over Break Now More Cultured Than Exchange Student Who Left It

After biking to Di Bruno Bros on a fancy bike, François, whose superiority over American bikes you cannot even begin to comprehend, walked in and began the selection process for the most cultured yogurts money could buy. François carefully weighed each Chobani and Siggi’s in his hands, knocking to check for ripeness and smelling to test for… aroma. You wouldn’t understand.


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