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News


6 Goya Bean Alternatives: A Photo Essay

It's like, you still kinda need beans and such, but you also kinda need to live in a country with moral standards and such. I bean there, girl. Lucky for you, I've compiled this list of 6 Goya alternatives to balance out your dual needs for beans and freedom. 


Penn Sells Student Belongings to Pay Off Budget Deficit

Student dorms were raided for their packed up belongings and anything of value was sacrificed to the University. In the end, over a thousand Canada Goose jackets were collected, raising close to a million dollars for the University. Next, alcohol was collected and resold to the nearby frats that are prepping for the largest social gatherings they’ve ever had come fall.


Trump Threatens to Cut Education Funding Because He Cares About Education

 “I care about our children’s education,” said President Trump. “It’s so important, it’s a matter of life or death.” 


UTB Interviews Health Professionals (Dermatologists, Dentist, Orthodontist) About Safety of Fall Plan

I make the majority of my yearly salary listening to students who live in the quad freak out thinking they have skin cancer or something, when it's really just Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease. From a dermatological perspective, the Penn campus wasn't that safe health-wise before the pandemic. There's nothing to lose!" - Dr. Rose Clearskin, Dermatologist at Wartz B Gone Practice


The United Yets of America: Here's How Kanye Can Win in 2020

Assuming Kanye wins every toss-up vote, every Democratic-leaning vote, and every Republican-leaning vote, he will have secured a total of 225 electoral college votes, easily beating out both Biden and Trump.  


GENEROUS! Penn Gives Students Half-Filled Fro-Yo Punch Cards as Financial Aid

Penn is happy to announce that this year, we are able to offer each student a punch card for frozen yogurt at one of the various shops near campus. Don’t worry, most of these cards are already almost filled out, so it won’t be long before you can claim your frozen treat!


Awkward! Penn Football Games to Show No Change in Attendance Despite Canceled Season

Our projection shows that even when you factor in every game being canceled due to the global pandemic, there will be exactly the same amount of students not showing up as there were in previous years.


After Trending #Disneyisoverparty Hashtag, Twitter Successfully Cancels Disney

When I woke up to see #Disneyisoverparty on Twitter, I thought to myself, "No way! Surely it would take more than some angry Twitter users to end a billion-dollar corporation." But this is America, fellas. This, not Disney, is the land where dreams come true. 


Penn Pastor Thrilled That Students Will Have To Leave At Least 6 Feet Of Room for Jesus When Grinding at Frat Parties

The words “Hallelujer!” echoed through the Church belfry as Pastor Smith, Head of Penn’s Christian Association, rejoiced in the news of a socially-distanced fall.


Yale Kicked Out Sophomores for the Fall, Can Penn Kick Out Professors for the Fall?

“I think the plan is great,” said College senior Malachi Constant. “Professors can stay home and be closer to family, while all students can be on campus and party-I mean, study together.”


After News of Princeton's Fall Plan, Students Glad They Were Rejected From Princeton

"I always carried around the weight that I was rejected from Princeton — it was a point of shame for a long time, but after hearing Princeton's fall plan, I don't feel bad anymore. I feel like Penn is a better fit for me than Princeton ever would have been.


Student Blows Up Kitchen Performing Virtual Chemistry Lab

 Drain cleaner? Check. Some weird unlabeled bottle? Check. A splash of bleach and detergent? Check. Maybe it should’ve been a red flag when all these items appeared on the WikiHow article titled “How to Make A Home-made Bomb”, but clearly if he just mixed the chemicals the right way, everything would turn out perfectly. 


Makes Sense! Celebrate Veterans with PTSD by Lighting Off Explosives

"If there's one thing people who come back from war love, its explosives. Why do you think they wanted to go to war in the first place?" UTB fact-checkers determined that this statement "definitely checks out." 


Happy Inde-BEN-dance Day! Here's what Ben Would Have Written in the Declaration

For the phrase, "For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us" he would add, "If I were interested in large bodies, I'd pay a visit to his majesty's mother".


Amy Gutmann Accidentally Burns Down College Hall with Illegal Fireworks

In order to showcase national pride, Penn president, Amy Gutmann, decided to host the first, and potentially last, Annual University of Pennsylvania 4th of July Firework Spectacular Sponsored by Bud Light.


Quarantine in Sansom Place West Biggest Deterrent to Catching COVID-19

“I can’t live there for two weeks or more. No matter what. I promise I’ll be responsible and not catch COVID.”


Trump Rally Attendance Matches Penn Basketball Attendance

 Just like Penn Basketball, if Trump wins reelection, you all can get a free ShakeShack burger!


Penn Vows to Increase Diversity of Diseases Available to Underclassmen

"I have hand, foot, and mouth already," shouted one excited incoming freshman, peering out of an inconspicuous bush on Locust Walk. "I was accepted ED, and I've been waiting to roll around on the floor of a quad bathroom ever since! I can't wait to get COVID-19! Is this the Penn experience?" 


Gutmann Hides 10 Golden Tickets in Penn Sweatshirts to Determine Lucky Few Getting Housing

"I've bought 15 Penn sweatshirts so far, but I still haven't found a golden ticket," explained stressed junior Andre Jones. "At this point, I'll be wearing Penn sweatshirts almost exclusively well into my 30s."


Party City! Penn to Reopen in Fall, But Only For Professors

After months of deliberation, university officials have finally come to a consensus on their plan of action this upcoming school year. Instead of reopening its doors to all, entrance to Penn’s campus will be restricted to one group: professors.


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