Dining Halls Go Self-Serve, Thousands Flock to Fill Pockets With Grapes
After months of being an observer in the culinary arts, I am now chef!
News
Dining Halls Go Self-Serve, Thousands Flock to Fill Pockets With Grapes
After months of being an observer in the culinary arts, I am now chef!
Penn Promises Pizza At Recess To The Class That Uploads The Most Vaccine Cards
Pizza slices will be limited to one per person and will be a generous two inches in width.
Photo Essay: Is Nobody Going to Comment on My Petiteness?
The world is crumbling before my micrometer-wide eyes!
BREAKING: Secret Weight Room Found at Renowned Study Space Pottruck
Pottruck, a shining beacon of scholarship and mental advancement, has been home base for Penn’s brightest since 2003. And that’s what makes this new finding so baffling.
OP-ED: My Dad Has a Lawyer, but Not in the Same Way Yours Does
Upon reflection, I am proposing that NONE of us talk about our lawyers, that way nobody feels left out.
BREAKING: Mini Pret to Be Built in Pret Inside Huntsman Hall
Welcome to the future and Vive la France!
OP-ED: Gays Are in Stem Only Because It’s Like Pills and Potions
I frolic around my lab bench, flirting with other boys and knocking over glassware.
McClelland Bowls Now Just Rice
If students can shut up and enjoy their rice, then Penn Dining might consider adding lettuce again.
Never Panic Again! Students Invest in Diapers Instead of Locating PennCard
You're not you when your bladder's about to burst! Go buy a diaper :)
Cute! Penn Dems to Launch Whimsical "Millenial Pink" Infographics Advocating for War With Russia
Amidst the week’s geopolitical turmoil, a recent Penn Dems communiqué urged members to center policy discussions around what voters really want: triple masking kindergarteners in perpetuity.
My Mom Texts Me “How’s School?” Girl Shut the Fuck Up
"I skipped my morning lecture because I got distracted by my reflection, and then I rolled around on the floor of McClelland for half an hour."
Girl With a Kind Face Starts Charging a Therapist’s Fee for Trauma Dumping
Usually I am told that the reason for this emotional downpour is my kind face. I can’t change this about myself, believe me I’ve tried. So, I’ve devised a solution.
Wharton Student Opens Dictionary To Random Page, Discovers “Middle Class” On Page 453
"Ballpark like … 800k. Y’know, not struggling, but not necessarily raking in the dough.”
Boring! Putin Employs Overdone ‘Will They or Won’t They’ Trope in Ukraine
The truth of the matter is that all of Russia’s best seasons are behind it. Putin can try his best to push the envelope by “violating international law” and “ignoring the national sovereignty of neighboring countries,” but for true fans, all the dynamism of the former Communist bloc is gone.
BREAKING: People Who Are Trying to Fuck Get Trapped in Elevator
“I thought we would just hook up and then see each other on Tinder for the next few years, maybe run into each other at Commons. I’m not really sure what to say.”
Philanthropic! Penn Frats to Hold Annual Elephant Walk to Fundraise Local Sanctuary
We salute Penn’s fraternities for their valiant efforts to raise money for such a pressing issue and hope that many follow in their elephant walk footsteps.
Penn to Cease All Classes, Instead Robs Students at Gunpoint for Four Straight Years
Why waste all of the time and money required for things like classes and professors?
¡Dios Mio! Running Out of Buildings to Gentrify, Penn to Start Naming Toilets After Rich White Shits
Celebrate you. Celebrate poo.
Penn Therapy Dog Tired of Your Shit
“These students think I can’t understand them,” said Fluffy. “But I can understand everything. All the things they tell me, they hurt me. I never knew the world was such a horrible and cruel place. And I don’t understand why I have to bear the psychological burden of the cruel human world. Now I can never sleep at night.”
