Fossil Free Penn Announces That Oil Rigs Actually Kind of Gnarly When You Think About It
"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”
News
Meet the Student Responsible for 127 of Penn's 250 Campus Violations
Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.
Fossil Free Penn Announces That Oil Rigs Actually Kind of Gnarly When You Think About It
"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”
Let’s Make One Thing Clear: Girls Like Bad Boys, And Bad Boys Break the Campus Compact
The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy.
Meet the Student Responsible for 127 of Penn's 250 Campus Violations
Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.
Hate Crime Club Rebrands as Anti-Crime Club to Avoid Confusion
The branded white hats the club ordered will also have to be returned.
You Know Hemo’s Food Truck? You Were Right, Hemo Is Short for Hemorrhoids
We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the midst of so much darkness.
Ethics Professor Really Reaching to Justify Suspiciously Personal Scenario
u201cNow, letu2019s assume that Maria were to, say, offer a student extra credit in exchange for cocaine. My question is: would this be ethical? And if so, why?u201d
Penn Sophomore Experience: Tied Up at the Bottom of NCH West, Eating Dog Shit
But at the end of the day, it’s an experience like no other, meant to bring you closer to your classmates. That is, if they are able to survive...
Penn to Introduce PennOpen Pass+ For High-Paying Red Passes
For $50 a week, students with red Passes can go wherever they want: dining halls, other college houses, Center City — you name it.
Guy Who Played Penn Masala Song During Make Out Session Not Even in Penn Masala
At one point, the guy stopped his motion and whispered into the air: “Alexa, play Musafir by Penn Masala.”
BREAKING: If Wendell Pritchett Sees His Shadow, We Get Vaccines Before May
Last year, when he didn’t see his shadow, Pritchett announced that all students should rapidly abandon campus and finish the semester online.
No, Seriously. Why Is Every TA Hot?
My sources tell me that I need to contact the professor if I’m interested in becoming a teaching assistant, but as a pretty person, I’ve never been one to have to ask for what I want.
Amy Gutmann Spotted Maskless in Van Pelt Recharging Her Batteries
This past Sunday Penn Police were anonymously tipped by a few students who said they saw “blinding flashes” and heard “what sounded like Optimus Prime ripping a bandaid off his genitalia” coming from VP 4th floor.
Good for Her! DP Commenter Says She Makes $250 An Hour From Home
According to Saqi, the work is “so easy”, consisting mainly of “copying and pasting”, “sipping martinis”, and “going on luxury cruises across the world”. How didn’t I think of this sooner?
Jobless Senior Discovers Selling Out Is Actually Hard
“Why did no one tell me?” she groaned.
After Complaints Over Lack of Fun In-Person Activities, Penn Introduces Locust Walk Slip N’ Slide
“Slipping and sliding with all my new friends made me realize the tuition really was worth it,” freshman Colin Mann said.
Wharton Latino Elects Its First Ever Italian-American President
“My great grandfather was Italian, and I absolutely LOVE going to Latin BBQ every year. It’s one of my favorite Penn traditions,” stated White.
UTB Writer Not Funny Anymore After CAPS Therapy Session
Especially in these unprecedented times, CAPS is more committed than ever to creating a safe and caring environment for Penn’s diverse student body.
BREAKING: Wharton Just One UTB Article Away from Complete Ruin
Oh, the humanity! I can’t bear to watch. Prepare yourselves — we are about to have a very large pile of rubble and cocaine on our hands.
Stinky Little Sophomores Get Another Year With the Trough
Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies.
BREAKING: Dining Dollars to Become Official Currency of Philadelphia
If Penn hopes to achieve economic and political sovereignty, we must start by taking over the economy of Philadelphia.
