OP-ED: Penn Should Build the Seyoung Kim House
It would be a house just for me and my closest friends. We could hang out every day! It would be so much fun. I don’t say this enough, but I love my friends a lot.
Opinion
OP-ED: Summer Break Is over and Now I Am Illiterate
I tried to read my email, even BuzzFeed, but found myself lost in a sea of text.
OP-ED: Penn Should Build the Seyoung Kim House
It would be a house just for me and my closest friends. We could hang out every day! It would be so much fun. I don’t say this enough, but I love my friends a lot.
How to Talk About Your Bain Internship Without Confessing That You Made 50 Grand
We know it can be tricky to hide your pride, but that’s just what our leftist campus pseudo-culture does to us.
OP-ED: Summer Break Is over and Now I Am Illiterate
I tried to read my email, even BuzzFeed, but found myself lost in a sea of text.
Dear Freshmen: Wash Your Damn Penn Card
During NSO, University affiliates will ask you to “keep that mf thaaang on you.” I, however, will only ask you to either keep that mf thang clean, or keep it away from me.
Peasants: Dress for Success or Avoid My Well-Bred Gaze
Despite all of us gaining admission to the same university, it’s become apparent that some have strayed from the tenant that got us here in the first place: being well dressed at every occasion. So I implore you, reader: please look presentable, or flee from my sight.
OP-ED: I Don’t Have a Foot Fetish, I’m Just Really Passionate About Toes
I think God gave us toes not because we need them, but because they’re nice to look at.
Fuck It: Who Wants to Buy Pics of My Feet?
People have been clamoring for pictures of my feet for decades. Ever since 1998, my feet have been my best quality, hands down.
OP-ED: I Joined A Sorority For The Sisterhood. Now, I Have Herpes
There are so many things that make being in a sorority amazing: mixers with fraternities across campus, philanthropy events, my new raging case of herpes, and the next three years which I am blessed to spend as an older role model to my future sisters!
OP-ED: If Spanish Class Was in English I’d Fucking Kill
After four semesters of flailing around like a fish out of water through intro level Spanish classes, I have finally diagnosed the root cause of my struggles: I don’t speak Spanish, I speak English.
Op-Ed: Yeah, I Met a Guy This Summer. His Name Is McKinsey.
I am MicKinsey's, and McKinsey's mine.
OP-ED: The Fastest Way to Remove Plastic from the Oceans Is to Convince Millennials to Eat It
I am a firm believer that millennials can change the world we already have. And by that I of course mean that they can, by 2030, physically consume all of the plastic ever created.
OP-ED: How Long Is the Drop Period for This Internship?
I just want to know how long I have to keep exploring my options, even though yeah, I know I interned here last summer too.
Op-Ed: I Support Pete Buttigieg, But Can We All Please Just Call Him Booty?
If you just embraced your beautiful, unpronounceable last name by allowing everyone in the United States to mock it, I think your edge would be that much sharper.
OP-ED: Save the Penn Book Center! (there's, like, a Starbucks in there, right?)
Ooh, do you think they’ll put in another Starbucks where this book place is? I could honestly really use some extra spots to procrastinate and buy coffee before class.
OP-ED: I Wear a MAGA Hat Just so Someone Will Make Eye Contact with Me
People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.
OP-ED: I’m Dead Inside and Steal My Roommate’s Shampoo for the Rush
It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.
OP-ED: Don't Even Talk to Me Until I've Had My Poppers
I'm basically a monster before I get my poppers. Know what I mean?
Oh Fuck: Exam Is Cumulative
You haven’t even glanced at that material since the night before the first midterm. Hell, you haven’t glanced at the new material either, so now you’re doubly screwed.
Incoming Freshman: Take Advantage of Your Peer Advisors Before They Ghost You for the Next Four Years
You will inevitably pick the wrong ones, fail the first midterm, and not learn about the add/drop deadline until it's far too late.
I Don’t Date Temple Boys Because I’m Scared of Mumps, and Also a Raging Elitist
Mumps. Just the mumps. I could see the mumps on him. Smell them.
