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Amy Gutmann Wins Every Single Event in The Penn Relays For Second Year In Row

(04/27/21 8:39pm)

Amy Gutmann has done it once again. For the second year in a row, she has swept every single heat and event of the Penn Relays. There were no fans, announcers, officials, or press allowed—only President Gutmann’s assistant (the one who trails her around campus with a camera) was in attendance. However, the students peering through the gate onto Franklin Field bore witness to what some describe as a miracle.




Heartwarming! Ted Cruz Boiled Mexican Tap Water In Solidarity

(02/22/21 6:45am)

Last week, Winter Storm Uri wreaked havoc on Texas, leaving millions without power and dozens dead. In the midst of this catastrophe, GOP Senator Ted Cruz came under fire for taking a last-minute trip to Cancún, Mexico, escaping his doomed home state. Although Cruz’s reputation took a hit, his team has successfully initiated damage control: the senator tweeted a photo op of himself loading bottled water into trunks with the inspiring caption “#TexasStrong,” and today it was revealed that Cruz took it upon himself to boil some water of his own—Mexican tap water from his Cancún resort—in solidarity with his fellow Texans.



Vaccine Rollout Stops Immediately Due to Shocking Success of PennOpen Pass

(02/01/21 5:50am)

In the aftermath of the Philly Fighting COVID fiasco, the City of Philadelphia has announced that they will soon be partnering with a much more successful and reputable COVID-19-fighting institution: PennOpen Pass. Though the decision to let college kids handle the first stage of vaccination left Philadelphians questioning the decision-making abilities of their city officials, this promising new partnership has already restored the faith of most residents.










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