Quiz: What Day of the Week Is It? Where Am I?
(09/13/22 10:00am)
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1. The High Rises
In a Tuesday morning statement, the College Board announced that the SAT will no longer be administered as an in-person 3-hour block. Instead, students will be required to complete and share a Wordle as the test-based portion of their college applications.
Hey! I know everyone’s super duper stressed out with finals and everything, so let me save you a trip to CAPS.
"3. I've just posted a story on Instagram that says "repost if you're against aggravated assault—I see who views this btw." What do you do?"
In the past, the length of Penn’s Thanksgiving break has drawn some criticism. In an effort to address these concerns, the administration has announced that they will be cutting Friday out of this year’s break.
3:35am: Woke up. Stretched and mentally prepared for a long day of voter fraud.
Oh hey! Sorry I missed your wave, I just really really hate you.
Following recent backlash over housing affordability and water damage in multiple dorms, Penn has released an official mission statement: “We’re gonna mull it over.”
In a powerful move of autonomy and girlbossery, women have decided that their place is in the kitchen. This notice was found posted on kitchen doors worldwide:
1. What you will first want to do is establish a boundary, preferably giving yourself as much space as possible.
It can be hard to tell!
As summer classes comes to a close, one mensch stands out among the rest: President Gutmann believes she has finally fulfilled her language requirement, which means she has, at long last, announced her intention to take a semester abroad in Germany.
Amy Gutmann has done it once again. For the second year in a row, she has swept every single heat and event of the Penn Relays. There were no fans, announcers, officials, or press allowed—only President Gutmann’s assistant (the one who trails her around campus with a camera) was in attendance. However, the students peering through the gate onto Franklin Field bore witness to what some describe as a miracle.
Hey besties!
Omg bestie that’s like totally exciting and I’m like super happy for you... but tbh it’s kinda tmi and I don’t remember asking?
Last week, Winter Storm Uri wreaked havoc on Texas, leaving millions without power and dozens dead. In the midst of this catastrophe, GOP Senator Ted Cruz came under fire for taking a last-minute trip to Cancún, Mexico, escaping his doomed home state. Although Cruz’s reputation took a hit, his team has successfully initiated damage control: the senator tweeted a photo op of himself loading bottled water into trunks with the inspiring caption “#TexasStrong,” and today it was revealed that Cruz took it upon himself to boil some water of his own—Mexican tap water from his Cancún resort—in solidarity with his fellow Texans.
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In the aftermath of the Philly Fighting COVID fiasco, the City of Philadelphia has announced that they will soon be partnering with a much more successful and reputable COVID-19-fighting institution: PennOpen Pass. Though the decision to let college kids handle the first stage of vaccination left Philadelphians questioning the decision-making abilities of their city officials, this promising new partnership has already restored the faith of most residents.
After 12 miserable weeks of remote learning from his hometown of Melbourne, Australia, Steven Gundy (C ‘24) has developed the ability to see in the dark. Gundy’s classes begin at 10 am EST and end at 4:30 pm EST. In Melbourne, this means that his first class is at 2 am and his last is 8:30 am.