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Accepted Class of 2027 Worried There Is Less Recess Time at College

(04/10/23 11:21pm)

April means that a lucky batch of 2,400 seventeen-year-olds and a few degenerate twenty-odd-year-olds will commit to attending Penn this fall as part of the class of 2027. In President Liz Magill's words, this is set to be one of Penn's most diverse classes, with students from 49 states and 5 countries. 

Epic Fail! Mentioning Circumcision Protest to My Mom Leads to Long Lecture About How if I Had a Penis I’d Be Uncut

(03/02/23 6:59pm)

In an attempt to make conversation with my mom on our weekly phone call, I brought up the recent circumcision protest on campus. That's right. These guys weren't shouting religious epithets like the usual rotation of protester on College Green. These dudes were marching in cowboy hats and white jeans with a "blood stain" on their groins. 

Stupid Bitch! Rushing as a Sophomore Is Actually Super Fun and Will Not Make You Feel Lonely and Left Out!

(02/16/23 6:22am)

It's February, which means sorority rush season has come to a close. With that comes a year of angst and uncertainty for freshman girls who are following their mom's advice and "feeling school out before making a commitment." There are a myriad of questions that come with the wait until the next recruitment cycle, namely, what will it be like rushing as a sophomore? UTB talks with various members of greek life to get their take.

"I Don’t Wanna Yuck Someone’s Yum": Devil's Advocate Guy Picks Up New Signature Saying

(01/17/23 2:55pm)

Sources report that HIST 1240, Scars: Impacts of the Cold War, just got way more intolerable. The conversations in this ten person seminar are dominated by pushy, reactionist college sophomore Aaron Smith. Things are taking a turn. Smith, known for butting into conversations with "just to play devils advocate" followed by something wildly insensitive, just came up with a new slogan. "I don't wanna yuck someone's yum."

I’m Just Trying to Figure Out What Sport You Play, Not Look at Your Boobs

(11/07/22 4:23pm)

We have all been there. You see an athlete approaching, and you try and use every context clue to figure out what sport she plays. Tall or short? Ponytailed or French braided? On foot or scooter? There is a myriad of sports she could play, as she gets closer you squint at her shirt. It comes into focus. Penn Athletics… basketball! 

Take Your Mind off of Academic Woes! Browse These Fall-Fun-Photos of Amy G’s Warm Toned Midcentury Princeton Home on Zillow

(10/18/22 4:14pm)

Nestled in the nice part of Princeton suburbs, Amy G’s 1.7 million dollar 5 bed 4 bath is the fall getaway you want to get lost in. Everything about this house says I was the longest serving president in Penn history. Doesn’t seeing the ice on her pool cover just make you want to head inside with a cup of hot apple cider and forget about your pending ECON midterm grade?