I’m prepared to weather whatever resistance I am met with by mothers, fathers, and every other fucker under a baby’s conspiratorial spell.

Bring justice to us future lung cancer patients.

In the past several weeks, many Penn students have already received the injection by walking into the FEMA center and claiming the leftover shots.

Gurie Klyfe (W '23) was seen asking, “Has anyone sprinted to Miami and back in 60 seconds?”

Stephanie looks forward to more weeks of not being a complete cunt.

Ah, modernity. Just, ahh… gosh, where to start? Okay, how about this: what is modernity? Heh, what even is it? What do you guys think — is it an era, a concept, an ethos? Do you… feel modern?

If you’ve read Under the Button, you know that they have a tendency to look down on OUR president, Amy Gutmann. We at Over the Button say enough's enough.

During meals, students sitting alone scream out in agony: “I’m getting my braces off next week, I promise!” One student even broke down crying, muttering to himself: “But, my mother tells me I’m beautiful.” 

He so strongly emphasizes the importance of mental health during the pandemic, even mentioning it in his syllabus right above his zero-tolerance late policy and no partial credit grading policy.  

Childbirth. Now that we’re thinking about it, having twins is probably on par with meal prepping’s level of difficulty. But just one kid? Definitely easier. 

 I have a full P.R. team on retainer, and they’ve brought people back from a lot worse than making their “teachers” cry. 

We should all be very pleased with the directions our lives are taking. 

"And what's worse, everyone is talking about this "new normal" like we are never going to be able to go back to how life was before. I'm putting my foot down. I won't accept it."

We cannot even imagine the depth and breadth of Penn's sphere of influence. There's the saying "money makes the world go 'round," but I think the more apt expression is: "money makes the world burn, especially if it's Penn's money." 

 The DP Angels is an advice column brought to you by your DP Design girlies, where we respond to questions from the Penn community concerning all things romance, social life, and campus culture! 

 “I am pleased to say that our great league will not be playing sports for the foreseeable future,” Harris said. “We are once again taking the lead on this issue, and I am determined to uphold our league’s reputation."

“What an amazing testament to Mary Shelley, my God,” Tenderson remarked, shaking his head. “Wait, she was contemporary, right? Shit.” 

You believe this narrative that a virus from a chinese bat came all the way to America and shut down our economy for a year!? Everyone knows bats can’t fly that far.

 In a recruiting twist, Priore is rumored to be the hiring target of local favorites Allegro Pizza and Zesto Pizza. 

Better step it up student athletes!