Johnson and Johnson Relieved They Took This Class Pass/Fail
Star students Pfizer and Moderna scored 95 on the first midterm while JnJ bombed to a 70. Forced to swallow their pride, JnJ panic-switched to pass/fail the night of the deadline.
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College Admissions Offices Promise to Preserve Legacy of Cultural Bias Even Without SAT Scores
They will simply be getting more creative with how they judge students.
Don't Have Time to Walk-in for Vaccination? Try Running In
I sprinted into the convention center and plowed through the military guy that was managing the line. I sprinted down the hallway with no regard for any of the other patients. I hurdled the fences like I was a fucking Olympic athlete.
Introducing EAST & UP: My Flight Back to China This Summer
Even after the 13–hour is up, the jouissance of EAST & UP is far from over.
Gay Son or HSOC Daughter? Penn Students Answer.
Mike Pelanti, a senior studying sociology and concentrating in LGBTQ Studies, recently conducted a survey where he asked Penn undergraduates across all four schools one simple question: would you rather have a gay son, or daughter studying History and Sociology of Science?
Amy Gutmann Vows to Achieve Net-Zero Salary Increase by 2050
In a brilliant display of leadership and selflessness, Amy Gutmann has announced a net-zero salary increase goal for herself by the end of 2050. After years of taking on larger and larger paychecks, Gutmann has decided that she is ready to begin the process stepping back from her role as top breadwinner on campus.
UPennAlert: I’m Upset at 39th and Locust
See www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for details.
Why I Refuse to See Other Women as Competition Unless They Are the Same Race As Me
I’m all against competitions unless it’s coming down between me and another Chinese skank. In that case, there is absolutely a competition and I’m winning.
Breaking: Pennsylvania to Legalize Marijuana
Becky Weisberg
Tuesday, April 20, 2021Tue, Apr 20, 2021
On April 20, Pennsylvania became the 16th state to legalize recreational marijuana after a years-long campaign to decriminalize the drug.
University of Pennsylvania Declares April 20th: "Disengagement Day"
Becky Weisberg
Tuesday, April 20, 2021Tue, Apr 20, 2021
With the final Engagement Day having come and gone, and the spring weather being so fucking noice, we are delighted to update you that the University Life and New Student Orientation and Academic Initiatives (NSOAI) has declared Tuesday, April 20th, 2021: Disengagement Day.
Students Kicked from Campus as Penn’s Acceptance Rate Drops into the Negatives
As a result, students will be required to spar the Penn Quaker mascot in a one versus one boxing match in order to determine whether they will remain enrolled.
Freshman With Commitment Issues Skips Advance Registration
Steve isn’t ready for that kind of emotional investment: “Are URBS 078 and I really that tight? I don’t think so.”
Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals
We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement.
Penn Students Send Letters of Continued Interest to Move Up in Vaccine Waitlist
Being vaccinated is a highly marketable skill, especially in the finance industry, since it means you’re healthy enough to fully exploit.
Soviet-Style Architecture Students Visit 1920 Commons for Inspiration
The small class of 13 students took an in-depth tour of the glorified cafeteria to observe uncaring, brutalistic conformity in its most distilled form.
A Letter of Deepest Gratitude to the One Kid Doing Worse Than Me in Class
Claudia Hogan
Saturday, April 17, 2021Sat, Apr 17, 2021
I feel so close to you but also still better than you, and that’s everything to me.
Pie in Center of Graph K=5: How To Conjure a CIS 160 TA
He had been staring at the same problem for the past 5 hours, but he just could not figure out how many gangsters were expected to get their hat back.
Student Thrilled to Receive Incomplete On Credit/No Credit Assignment, Will Learn More This Way
Alicia Lopez
Friday, April 16, 2021Fri, Apr 16, 2021
While at first, he was angry about his TA's decision to grade a credit/no-credit based on quality, Turner soon saw the light and realized he would get a lot more out of the class if he did an extra assignment to make up for the incomplete.
Caring Professor Announces Final Will Be Called "Midterm" to Relieve Stress
Exams are upon us and students are stressed as usual. However, one generous Professor, Physicist Paul Heiney, won't let the end of the year kill his students.
