Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

News


Ahead of 2020, Sororities Already Planning 2010s-Themed Date Nights

Our curated playlist spans from T-Wayne to Silentó. Acceptable dress can take the form of dressing like you’re in the NBA when you’re really 5’ 7”, cuffed jeans and Stan Smiths, or just head-to-toe Supreme.


Meet the Freshman Surviving the Rest of the Year on 4 Meal Swipes and 7 Dining Dollars

I might pop in three times a day to grab a banana from Commons. Lord knows nothing else there is edible.


Class Board Presents: Some Vague Event, but There Will Be Food

Are you ready for the most important part of your [INSERT CLASS YEAR HERE] yet?


Pennovation Win! This Allergenic Frat Boy Started Cutting His Blow with Zyrtec™

Never one to settle for the status quo, the junior used his frat's drug-fueled backlot party to his advantage last weekend. While forming lines of cocaine on a picnic table, genius struck.


Quiz: What Does the FMC on FMC Tower Really Stand For?

Under The Button staffers have discovered not a single person in the Penn Bubble knows what FMC stands for. As a result, Provost Wendell Pritchett has decided to officially rename the building, but he needs your help to decide.


Police Finally Catch Man Releasing Birds into 30th St. Station

The arrest led to the discovery of 400 birds in basement of the suspect’s University City home, along with a map of 30th street station covered in red X’s, noting the spots at which birds have been released.


Eugenics Group Disappointed to Learn EAS 203 Is Not 'Engineering Ethnics'

Members of the Philadelphia chapter of the Eugenicist Values Interest League (EVIL) were spotted in the Towne Building attending a lecture of EAS 203, a mandatory course for all engineering students. Their initial enthusiasm, however, was quickly dampened by the actual contents of the lecture.


Chez Yasmine: Take a Free Napkin, Apple, Water, and Cigarette

Before I discovered Chez Yasmine, I was appalled by Penn's lack of SABSing locations.


How to Focus in Class Even Though Your Mind Is Wandering to the Purple-Clad Member of the Wiggles

Think about your intense, all-consuming crush instead of Jeff. Never confront them and feel constant dread about it because these are your last few weeks with them. Quickly, a dark cloud of imminent regret will envelop you and taint all of your experiences, including your Legal Studies class, instead of Jeff.


Nursing Student Uses Note Cards to Remember The Sensation of Sleep

Freshman eyewitness, Shawn Lane spoke to the contents of the card. “I was able to get a closer look. The details were something like…” Lane proceeded to draw the notecard on a piece of paper, which we have transcribed below.


Sick! Guy in Front of You Has Night Mode for Excel Turned On

Seems like Ole Maxy forgot to come back to the land of the living after pulling an all-nighter working on his valuation of Toys R Us.


Innovative! This Freshman Boy Has Been Amazon Priming New Underwear All Year Instead of Doing His Laundry

He’s a busy, busy boy with many important things to do, and he can’t be bothered to take care of himself or perform basic life functions.


Student Prepping for SHS Appointment Guzzles 6 Bottles of Gummy Vitamins

 It's just like studying for a test. When you don't pay attention all semester, you cram the night before, and then you get an A.


Depressing: "What If?" Grades to Remain Wishful Thinking

Students everywhere are shocked to discover that they were really only fooling themselves with their own rose-tinted grades.


Healthy! Freshman Plans to De-stress Over Break and Take 7 Summer Courses

This summer, Kirkpatrick will be taking CHEM 241, CHEM 242, MATH 241, BIOL 203, BIOL 404, BIOL 407, and CIS 160 (just for fun, of course). Come fall of sophomore year, she will have completed seven full credits worth of pain.


Is This Self-Care? All Calls to CAPS Hotline Now Redirect to Queer Eye Season 3 on Netflix

After an interlude of adult male giggles and exclamations of surprise, culture expert Karamo Brown proclaims, "'Beauty' is knowing that you're worth it," while interior design expert Bobby Berk follows up with "Go out there and find your chosen family!"


Wow! Penn Astronomy Beats Light Pollution, Announces First Ever Picture of Moon

With the light and smog from downtown, you can barely catch anything. That’s why this moon sighting is so, so crucial.


This 16 Year-Old On Tour in his Patagonia Quarter Zip Has It All Figured Out

What can I say? I gave my long-term girlfriend a promise ring last week and we’re staying together through college.


Tiger Woods Attributes Masters Win to Practice with Pottruck Golf Simulator

If only the simulator had a drunk driving setting or an extramarital affair setting built in, it would be perfect.


Shy Senior Rewards Herself with a Full Day of Rest After Participating in Class

Plans for her day of rest included skipping all of her classes, having brunch at a restaurant of her choice, purchasing three new pairs of shoes, and indulging in a Netflix bender.


PennConnects