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Thrilling! You Have Under 60 Minutes to Complete, Check, Scan, Email, Upload, and Submit Midterm

The upcoming midterm will consist of long-form response questions, diagram drawing, and every other question type seemingly handpicked to make your life just a little more inconvenient.


Anti Vaxxers Weigh In: Let’s Throw Measles Back Into the Mix!

But look. I think we can do even better. Why would we stop at one wildly dangerous, devastating illness when we could do more?


'Our Students Are First-Generation, Low-Income, and Obscenely Privileged, Too,' Says Amy Gutmann

We call on the great silent majority, the privileged students of Penn: Be loud. Be proud. Never forget that you, above everyone else, matter.


Uh Oh! TA Now Twitch Streaming Recitations, Wants to Know "What's up, Gamers"

Students from the class were willing to confirm that Owens conveys roughly as much useful information during his Twitch rants on Belle Delphine as he ever did during a regular recitation.  


Poly Sci Professor Once Again Vowing to Release Lectures On-Time Next Week

 The professor will remain anonymous for his own sake, but he knows damn well who he is. 


Rachel Offers Free Spaghetti Eating ASMR During Zoom Class

As Rachel Connolly (E ‘22)  slurped, slopped, and slogged back her plate of spaghetti, it was difficult for anyone to focus on what was being presented on the slides. People attempted to type in chat to draw her attention to heroically save her from a lifetime of embarrassment but to no avail. 


Plot-Twist! Those Frat Fliers Slipped Under Your Door Were Actually Provisions for Toilet-Paper Shortage

With grocery stores across the globe failing to meet the demand for toilet-paper, Penn officials slept soundly knowing their student body was provided with a stockpile of paper materials.


Report: Yup, Bedroom Ceiling Still Looks the Same

Yup. Exactly the same. No differences here. Same color too. Oh, wait... is that crack new? No, that’s been there since middle school. Right, right.


Student Jet Lagged After Huge Trip Taking out Trash

He opened the door and faced the harshness of the elements. It was a sunny day, 78 degrees, and the sun was blinding. Was this God’s punishment? Indeed. 


Dad Buys 9-cubic Feet Freezer and Potatoes 'Just in Case'

 “Oh yeah,” he responded. “I also bought this AK-47. Just in case, you know.”  


Shocking! Social Smoker Still Smoking

“Baby, I don’t think that’s your last cigarette.”



President’s Engagement Prize Awarding $250,000 To Anyone Looking to Try Something Out in West Philly

Although the participants candidly admitted they could not predict the future of their projects, they all felt this experience would have long term and sustainable impacts on how they approach their work once they begin as consultants for McKinsey.


Has COVID Gone Too Far? Trevor Forced to Wear His "Left at Home" Shirts

Spearman displayed several shirts over Zoom. "I just want you guys to know how bad it is out here on the front lines." Indeed, one shirt asked the viewer to "find x" in the style of an algebra problem, while simultaneously circling the letter "x" in red. Truly horrifying.


Wow! Penn Really Not Gonna Change to Pass/Fail

Public response to the move was overwhelmingly negative as some students are put at a disadvantage due to lack of resources and others claim, "the stress of having to study is too much for them."


So Sad! This "Quarantine" Thing Is Mildly Inconvenient For Travis :(

Travis is as close to struggling as he has ever been, and he would really like your attention right now.


Main Line Girl Who Goes Home Every Weekend 'Starting to Miss Campus'

"On very special occasions, like the birthday of Theresa’s favorite horse, Timothée, her mother might even pick up Theresa and her laundry basket from campus."


Breaking: Jesus Self-Quarantining, Easter Canceled!

Recently, word came down from on High that Jesus is self-quarantining and there will be no resurrection this year. 


BREAKING: Hundreds of Penn Students Receive Summer Internship Offers From Mom

The roles students will have to fulfill range from Waste and Disposables Technician to the Director of Internet and Gadgets, working directly under the head boss.


Student With Therapy Dog Discovers Xanax to Be Much Simpler Solution

When asked what the main draws of replacing his therapy dog with Xanax were, Schmidt specifically noted how, “Xanax doesn’t shit on your carpet or need to be walked.”


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