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News


Girl in Front of You in Class Actually Doing Work so Things Are Probably over with Ben from ZBT

Though Curtain is done squandering her class time on texting Ben from ZBT, she still has not dipped her toes into scholarship on immigration and refugees. She is off to a solid start, though, and is taking baby steps toward her final goal.


Fatality: Five Dollar Spotify Premium Fee Delivers Final Blow to Student's Bank Account

“Spotify taught me the meaning of pain, both physically and financially,” Lucero sighed, his wallet lighter than the AirPods in his ears. “I’m gonna be eating Locust Walk shrubs for days.”


Watch Out! That Kid Who Scooters to Class Just Got Nunchucks

While he doesn’t plan on using them to hurt anyone, he does plan on practicing with them every 12 to 3 o’clock on College Green.


Pennsylvania Lawmakers Propose Ban on Single Use Fling Tanks

Why do you want to waste your money on a tank top with a Penn club pun that has a slightly inappropriate twist to it?


Magic Gardens Tickets Never Existed, Just Construct Teaching Privileged Feeling of 'Wanting and Not Receiving'

This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity.


Big Woof! The Service Dog in Your Lecture Got a Higher Score Than You on the Midterm

Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.


Exit Poll: UA Voters Care Most About Neat Sidewalk Chalk Handwriting

It really is a dying art.


"It Is What It Is" Says Student Who Just Aced the Midterm

Shut up, Rafael. Everyone knows you did perfectly fine on the exam.


March Madness Win: This Mechanical Engineer Had the Best Bracket

He’s previously competed in a desk building competition, so Hader has had to pick brackets before. Last year, he put all his money on the Everbuilt Zinc Plated 1 ½” Bracket, but that one lost it all during the strength test. 


This Week at the Kelly Writers House: Edible, Sex-Positive Zine Workshop

Topics of your zines can include, and are limited to, ethical non-monogamy in Papua New Guinea, the intersectional bisexuality of John Quincy Adams, and the best places to masturbate on campus.


Click-Bait: I Just Described a Penn Student I Saw on Locust! Click to See If It's YOU!

Spruce Street is her refuge, the path for those on this campus who crave a shred of anonymity. Protecting her from the sight of others, her Penn cap says it all: “yes, I’m a low-key bitch. And, you’re also right — I do go to Penn.”


President of Penn Democrats Declares Bid for Presidency, Citing 'Issues' and 'Problems'

His public announcement on Locust — difficult to hear over four adjacent a cappella groups blasting music and selling tickets — was received with moderate enthusiasm by his friends. “We’ve got to fix what’s going on,” he said candidly. “Why is it so hard to get Magic Gardens tickets? I think there’s some conspiracy.”


Pathetic! Jessica Says "Thank You" to Professor Who Just Crushed Her Dreams for 50 Minutes Straight

Equipped with seven different highlighters, a multi-pen, two erasers, and a fleeting hope for success, she scribbled vigorously, but her professor had no mercy.


Yikes: Britain Just Used Their Last Extension, Next Time They Lose a Letter Grade

It’s only the beginning of April, and Britain has already used all of their extensions for the semester. The next time they fail to meet a deadline, their grade will go down by a full letter grade per late day. 


Amy Gutmann Declares Candidacy for UA Elections

With this bold and unprecedented move, Gutmann has added her name to the list of approximately 1,020 candidates already running for the UA, believing that she “might have a real shot at winning.”


Penn Transit to Add New PennBus Route Direct to Long Island

Penn Transportation and Parking Services announced yesterday that a PennBus route traveling directly to and from Long Island, New York will be added within the next month.


Starbucks Under Commons to Stop Bullying Customers

Beginning this week, Starbucks Under Commons will cease directly mocking you by name before you leave the cash register — a policy that had some customers feeling uncomfortable.


Feel Old Yet? Class of 2023 Too Young to Remember Moon Landing

The children of this second age will never know the realities of the first or the pathos of its end. When we greet the University’s two hundred sixty sixth class in the coming fall, we must be mindful of this.


Controversial New Research Shows Students Perform Better on Tests if They Study More

Any amount of studying, the study shows, is likely to produce better results than taking the test without studying. This new information ought to revolutionize the way people prepare for tests, but students aren’t buying it. 


Penn Rowing Team Finally Reaches Shore

At long last, they’ve finally done it.


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