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News


White Man’s Burden! Tommy Just Got a Podcast

College senior Tommy Anderson just got a podcast, and you’re gonna fucking listen to it.


Girl Not Answering Your Texts During Quarantine Probably Just Busy

If she had seen the "hey" that you sent four days ago at 3:24 A.M., blind drunk off of eight dollar Pinot Grigio and loneliness, she absolutely would have responded. Right?


Graduation Can Be In Person, But Everyone Must Be In Giant Hamster Balls

Most human-sized hamster balls have a 2-meter diameter, so you'll always be following CDC guidelines!


Breaking the Toilet: Lactose Intolerant Jessica Orders Another Whole Milk Latte

We emailed Wharton sophomore Justin Verdaux about his perspective on the (fecal) matter.


Penn Med Study Finds U.S. Only 5 Hours Behind Italy

The United States is as few as five hours behind Italy, and even fewer hours behind other countries.


PSA: You Should Probably Wash Your Towel Now

I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but the time has come for you to take that towel and put it on the floor to be washed a month from now when you get to it. 


OFFICIAL SPRING 2020 GREEKRANK RANKINGS FLOORS OF VAN PELT (OFFICIAL)

Let’s be honest, this is how it is. This is probably going to be downvoted by the 4th floor but everyone knows they’re social climbers.


Students Denied From Frat-Sponsored Zoom Party

By midnight, the party was at maximum capacity and the poor west coast students, whose nights were just starting, were locked out from joining in the call.


Get Him! This Engineering Student Thinks JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Is Just “okay”

It’s high time we show him what happens when he messes with engineering students.


Vigilante Justice! Cough in This Recitation and You Will Be Squirt-Gunned With Green Apple Hand Sanitizer

Students everywhere are saying, “COUGHHH COUGCCougcuoguhghGHCOUGH.” 


A Message From the Provost: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here

It’s closing time. Like Fresh Grocer or Bobby’s Burgers, time to get gone people.


TA's Scholarly Work in Urban Housing Serving Her Well as Glorified 'Apple Genius' For Elderly Professor

Fernandez has been able to apply her 280-page dissertation by turning on the projector, connecting laptops to the projector, and explaining other details of the projector to Professor Thompson.


Amy Gutmann Diagnosed With Rare Medical Condition: Can Only Read Change.org Petitions

Gutmann has been diagnosed with a rare neurological condition: she cannot read or comprehend text that is not in the form of a Change.org petition.


Zoom Ordered to Stay at Least 2 Inches Away From Other Desktop Applications

“We strongly encourage everyone to immediately drag the Zoom icon away from their other apps and to run their antivirus at least five times a day.”


Oops! Professor’s Freudian “Example” a Little Too Specific to Be “On the Spot”

What started as an innocent example quickly escalated to a deeply personal tangent about his not-so-platonic love for both Chris Evans and his father.


Penn Early Decision Interview to Be Conducted Over Snapchat Video

"I don’t even need to put on pants!"


OP-ED: Just Because You Have a Laser Pointer Doesn’t Mean You Are a Good Teacher

“Who does he think we are? Cats?” said Engineering freshman Holden Trout. “All he does is point at his wall of text, and read it off to us, while pointing at it with his laser pointer.”


The Louvre Didn't Burn Down, but This Is the Picture I Would Post If It Did

The Louvre — the treasured largest art museum in the world — has not burned down. But if it were to burn down, I would post the above picture on my Instagram.


COVID-19 Now Almost As Bad As The Spotted Lanternfly Epidemic

"My entire family perished in the Great Lanternfly Epidemic of 2019," reported one sad, elderly lanternfly, found preaching on 34th and Walnut — probably named Buggy or something. "Thousands. Gone in a matter of months. Our hospitals were over capacity... our leaders refused to acknowledge the problem until it was too late."


BREAKING: Amy Gutmann to AirDrop Diplomas to Graduating Seniors

With rightful concern about spreading the coronavirus, a sincere handshake is a little too much personal contact. AirDrop is a much safer way to share the accomplishments of our graduating class without sharing germs. 


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