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News


Not Again! Getting in WilCaf Line at 10:59 Makes Sarah Late to Class Again

Why does it need to take A WHOLE MINUTE for me to order, pay, and receive my complicated espresso drink made with a mixture of non-dairy milks?! 


Biden Entering Race to Prove Hillary Would Have Won If She Had a Penis

The white, centrist, establishment democrat was leading in the polls even before he announced his candidacy. Many voters say they were drawn to him because of his history in politics, his age, and because he doesn’t have a vagina, which would automatically disqualify him from the position for obvious reasons. 


RESULTS: Penn Individual Student Survey

Over 400 students completed the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) over the past few days, a number which has surpassed every other UTB survey ever conducted.


Clever! Senior Redacts 65% of Final Paper

That’s why, when it came time to submit his final report for PSCI 237 (The Science of Why Political Science Is a Science, We Swear), Moller knew that he had to do something creative. His report was a mess, and there was no time to edit.


Cinema Studies Department Cancels Classes in Anticipation of Game of Thrones Aftermath

Statisticians predict with 80% certainty and a 5% margin of error that the Penn Quaker himself will not survive, despite a flawless 200-year combat record.


Soundworks Tap Factory Really Bad at Hide and Seek

In an attempt to branch out and engage new members, Soundworks Tap Factory has been experimenting with new activities. 


"Math Is Beautiful," Says Not-So-Beautiful Nerd

Although he himself isn’t exactly the spitting image of beauty, Lombard does have an appreciation for something else that is beautiful.


Spring Has Sprung! Jack Broke out His Birkenstocks and Now We Get to See His Toes Everyday

After months and months of being held captive by the prison that is closed toed shoes, Jack is finally able to grace us all with his two-year-old pair of Birkenstocks that proudly display his size 11 feet.


Visiting Lecturer, The Boss Baby to Teach MGMT 248 in the Fall

Demand for the class is expected to be very high. Wharton sophomore Charlie Kurtis-Thompson said “I heard rumors Alec Baldwin will make a regular appearance.” 


After 3 Years of Presidential Practice, Joe Biden Is Ready for the Real Thing

Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.


Now That Lent Is Over, Junior Excited to Rail Cocaine off of His Roommate's Ass Again

He feels closer to God now that he isn’t railing cocaine off of every flat surface he can find, including his roommate’s ass, which he would often do while his roommate was asleep on the couch.


UTB's New Penn 10: Here's Penn's 10 Worst Students

In an interview, Fiorentino revealed how she fell from grace to become Penn's most notorious failure. She reported having spent her senior year religiously adhering to astrology, seeking Twitter fame, listening to Elton John's Crocodile Rock on a loop, and contemplating going blonde (even though she tried it in high school once and "it went horribly").


Penn Prof. Joe Biden Takes Official Leave From Doing Nothing to Run for President

Between his biannual speaking events with Dr. Gutmann and literally nothing else, the former Vice President of the United States will be walking away from a major role at the University as he sets his sights on the Oval Office. 


Freshman Still Without Summer Internship Officially up for Adoption

There are so many opportunities that she should totally have something by now.


Breaking: Joe Biden Declares Presidential Bid, Would Be First Penn Alum to Hold Position

The monumental opportunity this provides for the school cannot be understated. Of the Ivy League schools, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Columbia all have associations with previous presidents. Biden’s candidacy represents the opportunity for Penn to join the ranks of these other Ivy League schools. 


Ahead of 2020, Sororities Already Planning 2010s-Themed Date Nights

Our curated playlist spans from T-Wayne to Silentó. Acceptable dress can take the form of dressing like you’re in the NBA when you’re really 5’ 7”, cuffed jeans and Stan Smiths, or just head-to-toe Supreme.


Meet the Freshman Surviving the Rest of the Year on 4 Meal Swipes and 7 Dining Dollars

I might pop in three times a day to grab a banana from Commons. Lord knows nothing else there is edible.


Class Board Presents: Some Vague Event, but There Will Be Food

Are you ready for the most important part of your [INSERT CLASS YEAR HERE] yet?


Pennovation Win! This Allergenic Frat Boy Started Cutting His Blow with Zyrtec™

Never one to settle for the status quo, the junior used his frat's drug-fueled backlot party to his advantage last weekend. While forming lines of cocaine on a picnic table, genius struck.


Quiz: What Does the FMC on FMC Tower Really Stand For?

Under The Button staffers have discovered not a single person in the Penn Bubble knows what FMC stands for. As a result, Provost Wendell Pritchett has decided to officially rename the building, but he needs your help to decide.


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