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News


Sad: Perry the Platypus Kicked Out of His World House

"This is fucking bullshit," remarked Perry as he scoured Airbnb to find a new home. "I built this entire establishment with my own bill and beavertail. Do these fuckers even know who I AM? My name is Agent Fucking P, and you'll be hearing from me in court."


Fro Gro Bag Lives Thrilling Second Life as Bathroom Trash Can Liner

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Well, it might be time to rethink the premise of that philosophical inquiry.


New Study Reveals Europeans Immune From Lung Cancer

There’s nothing quite like being hit with the smell of a freshly lit cigarette as you exit the library fresh from an all-nighter, probably being smoked by someone speaking a language you don’t understand.


Amy Gutmann’s Husband Furious That She Keeps Gentrifying the Backyard

Much to the chagrin of her husband, she appears to be scheming new gentrification initiatives left-and-right, most recently approving the development of a 4th high-rise in the small alcove where the local West Philadelphia rabbits reside.


University of Pennsylvania to Suspend University of Pennsylvania Following Hazing Concerns

When asked by a reporter if, instead, the university could simply just stop hazing its students, the president replied, “No.”


Meet the Man With Three Fridges and No Vegetables

Henry is a 21-year-old Wharton student with a love of Corona and a mild case of scurvy. He and his roommates (Chad, Brad, and Mad (short for Madthew)) have three fridges in their Hamilton Court apartment. And yet, a thorough inspection of these fridges would yield not a single vegetable. We sat down with Henry to learn more about his story.


Gutmann Blows Through Endowment During Feb Club Atlantic City Trip

Onlookers report that Gutmann strutted into the Tropicana casino Saturday night and barreled straight to the roulette table, saying, "I'll put the Class of 2024's financial aid on red, please."


Google Campus Recruiters Highlight Partnership With Raytheon Developing Autonomous, Child-Seeking Missiles

Packaged as part of a broader initiative aimed at deepening ties between the Pentagon and Google, campus recruiters are seeking to appeal to Penn students’ sense of patriotic duty, unaware they have none.


It's Over: Professor Discovered Joy Division

According to firsthand reports, biology students have agreed to hold out until Dorsett at least discovers New Order.


Dan to Share Twin Xl With Tourist After Roommate Airbnb's His Side of the Room

Penn has given no formal comment on renting out college dorm rooms, however, Wharton Entrepreneurs is offering seed funds for anyone wishing to take advantage of this inefficiency in the free market.  


Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part VII

Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.


Most Awkward Interaction of All Time Not Your Fault at All You Smooth, Sexy, Free-spirit, Phoenix

Despite internal feelings that you were, “very weird,” and, “couldn’t stop talking,” you actually appeared as a graceful debutant, making the person you interacted with incredibly nervous, embarrassed, and even ashamed to be in your presence.


Penn Students Agree: Best Way to Heal an Infection Is to Let It Fester for a Couple Weeks

Jasmine Ling (C '20), who received a fingernail-bed infection this winter, "doesn't mind that it hurts to type or to even tie [her] shoes. The body takes care of these things."


Senior Moving to NYC to Pursue Career in Melancholy Walks in Crowded Places

She will stop for a coffee once, maybe twice. If she grows weary, she will rest on a bench in a public green space.


Breaking! Up With You! I Am Breaking Up With You

Hello again. Sorry for ghosting you for a month. I really thought you would forget I exist, but I guess we have Stats together… and Econ… and Intro to Geology. Anyways I would stop going to those classes completely because I hate them, but there’s this super hot girl who I honestly might need as a rebound after we — oh yeah by the way, can we talk?


Crisis Averted: TSA Seized Grace’s Hummus in Airport Security

"This was a major security risk for Grace, her fellow passengers, and ultimately everyone in this airport. We had no choice but to destroy it," TSA Agent Richard Yu told UTB staff.


Considerate Classmate Chews Crunchy Food ~V e r y ~S l o w l y

“Ccc...rrr……... ONCH.” Oh God. Jessica froze. She looked around, the nib of carrot resting on her tongue. Could her classmates hear her? Had they noticed her shame?


Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for a Lobotomy

Say goodbye to your frontal lobe and say hello to a whole new world! A talented team of specialized doctors have decided that you should not think anymore.


Conspiracy: Amy Gutmann Has Been Replaced by a Lookalike, No One Notices

One time I thought I saw her, but it was just a very lifelike looking tree with yellow leaves. And that was in the fall.


A Message From President Gutmann: Yoooo Smoke's Tonight?

A Message From President Gutmann University Notification: Request for a Lit Friday Night Amy Gutmann, President


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