"Frankly, we are shocked by these findings. We always thought sniffling when it gets a little chilly was a result of cocaine usage."

Reaction to the change has been mixed. Much of the outcry has come from alumni who had just bought red and blue apparel for their two-month-old children.

For Engineering freshman Jasper Tisdale, the two weeks allotted for this task still won't be enough. 

With midterm season in full swing, many Penn professors are looking for innovative ways to make things more interesting for themselves.

She was wearing Stan Smiths and would wave flyers in front of passersby, at times even forcing the slips of paper into victims’ mouths.

For College sophomore Sofie Perez, every day is a waking temporal nightmare.

The report comes after the discovery of mold in several rooms in the Quad.

Wharton sophomore Aguistin Latimer always wanted a small campus vibe.

Although almost a full week has passed since the release of this report, President Amy Gutmann has yet to comment on the matter.

College senior Mark Judge was recently spotted laying shirtless on Locust Walk, with sunlight hitting his entire body.

Bowers said on exiting Towne “I’m just hoping a lot more people made the choice I made today. Because if not, the curve is really going to fuck me over.” 

Current estimates suggest losses totalling over $10,000, including broken laptops, desks ripped off their hinges, and at least three broken noses and several other alleged broken noses that are being used as excuses to get a nose job.

Dr. Smith did not respond to requests for comment, but a one-way receipt for a plane ticket to Aruba and her latest Facebook posts show that she is far away from the stresses of dealing with the acne-ridden, stress-fueled, overly affluent freshmen who occupied her previous daily life.  

Mayhew also said she and other debaters have been big fans of Gritty for a long time. 

The service would pick up and drop off ballots for students for only $9.99, traveling distances as far as 0.2 miles (the furthest any student is from a polling location).

Jamie Reston (C '19) entered the gym with the intent to warm up on the elliptical and then jump into a core-blasting pelvic floor exercise.

For some reason, the Mexican international just can’t do it, even though he gets pestered by the same, perpetually-smiling guy on Locust every day.

Unlike the program in Huntsman, non-College students will have equal access to the grandma hired for this position.

Have you ever been trying to take an innocent trip to the bathroom when, in the next stall over, you hear the tell-tale snap, crackle, pop of a Juul pod that’s less than 50% full?

Lenny Kravetz (C ‘22) entered college without a sense of direction.