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(11/04/20 4:45am)
In case you were not aware, last night was the season finale of the United States: the 2020 General Election. Despite the fact the only candidates on the presidential ballot were Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and Jo Jorgeson, Barack Hussein Obama has won the popular vote and electoral college by a landslide. Barack Hussein Obama has also been elected to almost every congressional seat, in a series of unprecedented victories. (Obama did not win in Alabama, after it was revealed to voters that Barack and Michelle are not, in fact, cousins.)
(08/03/20 12:40pm)
Has this ever happened to you?
(07/27/20 5:01pm)
In the past few weeks, Penn has developed a "Campus Compact" for students returning to campus in the fall. Now, I didn't actually "read" the compact per say, but I did read a screenshot of a summary of the compact that my friend sent me. So...
(07/20/20 1:55pm)
Last week, Goya hopped on the Trump train. It's always disappointing when your very fav Bean Mogul gives campaign donations to your least fav sallow orange fruit by the foot. It's like, you still kinda need beans and such, but you also kinda need to live in a country with moral standards and such! I bean there, girl. Lucky for you, I've compiled this list of 6 Goya alternatives to balance out your dual needs for beans and freedom. Let's get to it!
(07/14/20 2:02pm)
With just four months to go until the general election in November, musical genius Kanye West has announced his campaign for president of the United States. According to an FEC spokesperson, Kanye has filed none of the paperwork required to declare candidacy or gain ballot access. So, can Kanye really make it to the Oval Office in 2020? Let's look at the math.
(07/06/20 1:15pm)
Americans spend more than 1 billion dollars every year on Fourth of July fireworks. Considering that the Department of Veterans Affairs Spends 180 billion on veterans every year, the United States spends about twice as much on explosives on the Fourth of July than they do on veterans' affairs. Patriotism at its finest!
(06/29/20 7:10pm)
A recent Under the Button poll has found that students are increasingly concerned about the lack of diversity at Penn. Here at Under the Button, we stand with you. We are proud to announce that, as a direct result of our tremendous influence over our school's administrative process, Penn has vowed to increase the diversity of diseases available to all incoming freshmen and sophomores for the fall of 2020.
(07/02/20 2:43pm)
It comes as a surprise to no one that Joe Biden is trying to find a woman vice-presidential candidate. With any luck, a female running mate will distract from any (theoretical) "sexual assault allegations" that might spring up from Joe's history in politics.
(06/16/20 4:09am)
Three months ago, college sophomore Ella Norstalick did something she's always wanted to do: she buzzed her hair. For many Americans, the pace at which the United States is reopening in the wake of COVID-19 is simply too slow. For those who gave themselves the "COVID cut," however, any additional time to recover would be a godsend.
(06/08/20 4:00am)
Black Lives Matter protests continue around the globe this week in the wake of a series of violent crimes against black people in the United States, including the murder of Ahmaud Arbery by two white male civilians in Georgia and the murder of George Floyd by Minneapolis police officers. Many major news sources in the United States continue to paint such protests as violent.
(06/03/20 4:00am)
In this day and age, there is a lot of deceit and deception permeating American politics. As a white, 15-year-old boy who gets all my news from Reddit and the Joe Rogan Experience, I never expected that deceit to stem from the most important male role model in my life: Elon Musk.
(05/25/20 11:46am)
For those of you who are uncultured, the "Killer Bean" saga is a cinematic masterpiece renowned the world over. It began in 1996 when Jeff Lew, a visual effects artist for X-Men, The Matrix Reloaded, and TRON: Legacy, decided to breathe life into the world. That is, he decided to single-handedly write, direct, animate, and produce The Killer Bean.
(05/22/20 4:00am)
What's up bitchesss,
(04/30/20 5:47pm)
It has been weeks, but the decision still haunts you. You thought to yourself, "I'll only be gone a week. It's just spring break. I can go that long without a vibrator." You were young then. Ignorant. Foolish. Of course, fate took advantage of your stupidity.
(04/27/20 5:46pm)
In the United States, doctors have become very selective about who they test for coronavirus. That is why Melanie Jones, an Engineering freshman, and serial hand cougher, was so excited to be chosen for coronavirus testing about one week ago today.
(04/23/20 5:10pm)
After years of oppression, proud gamer and CIS 120 TA Randal Owens has decided to break free of his chains. While many see quarantine as a robbery of opportunity and an exacerbator of disparities, Owens sees the move to online classes as a great equalizer. Universal online school has provided Owens with an opportunity which he has been unjustly denied him for far too long: the opportunity to Twitch stream recitations.
(04/22/20 5:35pm)
A professor from the political science department is vowing once again to publish his lectures on time next week, despite publishing lectures nearly a week late for every week since quarantine started. The professor will remain anonymous for his own sake, but he knows damn well who he is.
(04/14/20 6:52pm)
This past week, COVID-19 took its 100,000th victim. Those victims do not yet include College senior Travis McElroy or any of his friends or relatives. McElroy nonetheless tweeted Sunday morning from the comfort of his home, "I'm literally dying." Travis is as close to struggling as he has ever been, and he would really like your attention right now.
(04/16/20 5:31pm)
The global death toll for COVID-19 sored over 130 thousand this week. Many local sources, however, claim that this number is too low. Trevor Spearman, an undeclared sophomore, hasn't done laundry since school went virtual, as he refuses to walk to the basement of his four-story home in the Philly suburbs. He reports that "while COVID has physically killed over 110,000 thousand, it is responsible for the spiritual death of thousands more." This week, Spearman was forced to wear his "left-at-home" clothing.
(04/07/20 6:53pm)
Help! I have no idea what classes I'm enrolled in this semester! Can you help me figure it out? Asking for a friend.